Saturday, February 21, 2015

8 Hot Tips On How To Woo Taylor Swift


8 HOT TIPS ON HOW TO WOO TAYLOR SWIFT

Taylor Swift, with her golden honey locks, adorable anime chipmunk chin and carefree demeanour (yet rocking a fierce eyeliner gaze that can punctuate coquettish flair from 100 yards) is a world-renowned pop star who seems forever cursed with a perpetual string of relationship failures.
 

Despite dating several hotshot celebrity names, our beloved starlet never seems to settle for longer than a few months before spreading her wings to seek greener pastures and catchier melodies about aforementioned breakup subject matter.

However, by analysing the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s numerous romance songs, Average Joes just like YOU will be able to garner some insight into the mind of the most eligible bachelorette on the planet and use this information to court her more effectively into a stable long-term relationship.

Behold: 8 juicy strategies on how to win over Taylor Swift, based on subliminal hints she has scattered throughout her albumography.

#1. SHOW HER THAT YOU HAVE EYES
Taylor Swift is rather fond of the proverbial windows to the soul, with frequent mentions of eyes found throughout her song lyrics. Although blue and brown eye colours have caught her fancy, it is evident that green eyes are her clear favourite, so ensure you flash her those emerald gems whenever possible, Potter.
By synchronising your blinking patterns with hers, you will also maximise the amount of time you spend together with uninterrupted eye contact.

Get me with those green eyes, baby
- Sparks Fly

Didn't you flash your green eyes at me?
- Wonderland

Green eyes and freckles and your smile
- Everything Has Changed

Cory's eyes are like a jungle [Jungles are green! –Ed.]
- Stay Beautiful

Something in his deep brown eyes
- Superman

Blue eyes
- State of Grace

Your beautiful eyes stare right into my eyes
- Beautiful Eyes

Keep your eyes open
- Eyes Open

Your eyes still shined like pretty lights
- Mary’s Song (Oh My My My)

Your eyes light up when you smile
-  Invisible


#2. ARGUE WITH HER AT 2AM

Our dear Taytay is a bit of a night owl and apparently loves talking well into the early hours. Indulge her nocturnal tastes with arguments, feuds and embittered conversations which will inevitably lead to a furious cathartic purging of emotions via angry sex, prior to apologetic makeup sex directly afterwards.

2.00AM, who do you love?
- Enchanted

It's 2.00AM in my room
- I Wish You Would

2.00AM, riding in your truck
- Mary’s Song (Oh My My My)

It’'s 2:00AM and I'm cursin' your name
- The Way I Loved You

I remember that fight, 2.30AM
- Mine

4.00AM, the second day
- Come Back… Be Here

#3. A ‘J’ NAME IS JINXED, BUT THERE IS NO ‘I’ IN ‘BREAKUP SONG’
 Taylor Swift has dated the following J-name lads:
- Joe Jonas
- Jake Gyllenhaal
- John Mayer
This trend suggests a subliminal annoyance with anyone afflicted with a ‘juh’-sounding name, considering none of those relationships has worked out.
(The whole Triple-J debacle recently was additional salt in the J-shaped wound.)

Furthermore, her other ex-boyfriends include
- Taylor Lautner
- Connor Kennedy
- Harry Styles
- Zac Efron
Out of 76 letters in these names, note that the vowel ‘i’ does not appear once. By process of elimination we can therefore deduce that the letter ‘i’ is Taylor Swift’s Achilles Heel, for you to come along and dot with a loveheart.

We already know of Taylor’s affinity for ‘eyes’, so she will surely go for a name peppered with ‘i’s. 
Did you see what ‘I’ did there?
Aye, captain.

#4. HAVE LONG, VOLUPTUOUS  HAIR
Sorry baldies, but TSwiz is totally enamoured by lush locks of keratin spilling out from one's scalp; praising the trait in several of her ballads. Hit up the Rogaine aisle quicksmart if you want to have any chance of winning over her heart by going to get your weave did.

You got that long hair, slicked back
- Style

I like the way your hair falls in your face

- Jump Then Fall

Run your hands through your hair

- Fearless

To the fella over there with the hella good hair

- Shake It Off


#5. LAUGH AT HER JOKES
Taylor is such a hoot, you guys! Oh boy, does she crack the funnies. 
Show her how much you appreciate her comedic genius by giggling, cacking it, guffawing and chortling at all the right moments. You know, moments like that time she, uh… … ahhh…  just… … … haaa, just *sooooo many* whimsical moments, y’know.
That girl, I tell ya. What a wit.


Your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard 
- Jump Then Fall

I'm the one who makes you laugh
 

- You Belong With Me

You throw your head back laughing like a little kid
 

- Begin Again

I hear your laugh
 

- The Best Day

Our song is the way you laugh on the first date
 

- Our Song

I could go back to every laugh
 

- Come In With The Rain


#6. OR AT LEAST GRIN LIKE AN IDIOT ALL THE TIME
 Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town 
- You Belong With Me

You're tied together with a smile

 - Tied Together With A Smile

You smile that beautiful smile
 

- Superstar

Calm my fears with a Cheshire Cat smile
 

- Wonderland

I love the gap between your teeth

 - Ours


#7. HER FETISH FOR HEADLIGHTS AND BEING CHAUFFERED
It is a character trait of one TS that she believes in the more traditional gender norms of a relationship, and the stereotypical guy with a flashy car seems to toot her horn, crank her engine and… inject fuel lubricants… into her… carburettor? Look, I catch public transport, okay.

Ensure you wax up your hood, buffer your boot, polish your hubcaps and stock up that backseat with plenty of pine tree air refreshers for all of the vehicular action awaiting you when taking Tay out for a night to paint the town Red. (Red was the name of one of her albu- you know what, forget it.)

You come and pick me up, no headlights
- Style

Two headlights shine through the sleepless night

- Treacherous

Headlights pass the window pane
- I Wish You Would

He opens up my door and I get into his car

- The Way I Loved You

Drive out of the city, away from the crowds
- Wildest Dreams

Grab the keys and we drive and drive
- The Best Day

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car
- Our Song

You're in the car on the way to the movies
- Never Grow Up

So baby, drive slow
- Fearless

We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
- All Too Well

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street
- Red

Now it’s big black cars, and Riviera views
- The Lucky One

Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?
- Out Of The Woods

You never let me drive
- Picture To Burn

So I drive home alone
- Teardrops On My Guitar


#8. COMPLIMENT HER DRESSES AND LIPSTICK
Taylor takes particular pride in her refined vintage look, so make sure you notice when she rouges up her lips and dons the latest frock that will soon have her Instagram followers frothing at the credit card for purchase.

This commitment will inevitably result in many hours a week spent watching her try on different outfits, which means plenty of time watching her changing out of these outfits in between you humming “Yeah, that’s nice. Yeah, that looks good. Yeah, that works. Yeah, I liked the other one better…” before you can go out to the local café for a morning coffee.

I hope you think ‘that little black dress’
- Tim McGraw

And that little black dress
- The Other Side Of The Door

You’ll pick out a white dress
- Love Story

The girl in the dress, cried the whole way home
- Dear John

Spinning like a girl in a brand new dress
- Holy Ground

With you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress

- Fearless

Standing there in my party dress
- The Moment I Knew

You'll remember me standing in a nice dress
- Wildest Dreams

You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore
- Clean

Red lips and rosy cheeks
- Wildest Dreams

I got that red lip classic thing that you like
- Style

In red lipstick with no one to impress
- The Moment I Knew

#9. BE LORDE
Let’s face it, Lorde has managed a longer-lasting monogamous relationship with Taylor Swift than any man has managed.
Ellas before fellas!
[Though we all know Beyoncé makes the greatest life partner of all time. OF ALL TIME.]


Friday, January 30, 2015

Miss Universe Australia National Costumes: A Review


Last week marked The 63rd Miss Universe Pageant, an annual showcase of the most stunning beauty on the planet which billionaire Donald Trump requires to harness and use in regenerating the carcinogenic cell tissue that putrefies beneath his ghastly wig.
You're fired.

Every year, the Parade of Nations segment displays an array of iconic national symbolism from each country’s representative, in the form of a horrendously ghastly fashion calamity. Australia has certainly not shied away from serving numerous offenses to the palate of visual aesthetic over the years with our efforts in national costume design. We pay tribute to these abominations below:

 
2004 – Jennifer Hawkins
 
DESIGNER VISION:
"The traditional frock is a vintage dress line I did when I was in college and depicts the Harbour and foreshores from an aerial view."
- Paris Dwyer


 WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE
The aftermath of a Western Australian coal miner having cleaned his face with a Wet Wipe and used it to blow his nose; not necessarily in that order.
I’ll stick to Google Maps, thanks.

 
2005 – Michelle Guy
 
DESIGNER VISION:

I have scoured dozens of articles online trying to source the designer of this monstrosity.
All I could find was:
“Exactly who was responsible for the ‘national costume’ worn by Perth teenager Michelle Guy during the Miss Universe competition? It seems no-one is owning-up as the creative genius behind the feathery, gum-nutted floral extravaganza, complete with Crocodile Dundee top hat, which has been derided by fashion critics back home...”
- Sydney Morning Herald, May 31st 2005

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE
You know a design is bad when the creator remains anonymous. Let’s put Nan’s tablecloth back in the cupboard, hang the floral wreath back up on the dunny wall and never speak of that blasphemous headwear ever again under the sanctity of all that is humanly decent.

 
2006 – Erin McNaught
 
DESIGNER VISION:
Tsk tsk, another cowardly designer laying low from the public backlash of committing the fabric equivalent of a war crime by not attaching their name to their patriotic aberration.
(Utterly understandable.)


WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A slutty Halloween costume of Rescue Rangers: Down Under.

 
2007 – Kimberley Busteed
 
DESIGNER VISION:
 “It wasn't up to designers to choose. We just got told what to wear. I thought it showed off Australia well and me as well. It presented the girl that I am."
- Kimberley Busteed 

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A Little Nippers advertisement in the local newspaper. Pigtails and pink sandals? Come on, guys, this is a MISS UNIVERSE pageant broadcast to over a billion people around the world.

 
2008 – Laura Dundovic
 
DESIGNER VISION:
 Rather than drawing inspiration from Australian characters, such as surfers and shearers, I want to express the natural elements of the country - the colour and shape to create a beautiful sweeping gown that will comment on the sea, sand and desert.”
- Jayson Brundson

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A jellyfish was put through an inkjet printer during a cyan test print.

 
2009 – Rachael Finch
 
DESIGNER VISION:
“A Sunset Over the Opera House creation featuring a silver sequined bodice; a leg-revealing skirt in shades of tangerine, melon and pink; flashes of flesh and a lace-up back.”
- Ruth Tarvydas

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A surgical instructional video on vajazzling.

 
2010 – Jesinta Campbell
 
DESIGNER VISION:
Not even kidding, the designer of this dress tried funding their effort with a $3,000 Pozible kickstarter. It fell short of target after raising only $500 in pledges.
“[The costume] will ooze our rich, unique landscapes by contrasting textures and fabrics. I hope to use elements that are iconic to Australia and want to show our indigenous heritage through colour and mix media.”
- Natasha Dwyer

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A How To Train Your Dragon character fell into a pile of Vegemite labels on their way to Starbucks.

 
2011 - Scherri-Lee Biggs
 
DESIGNER VISION:
“The costume was inspired by Australia's breathtaking landscapes. It represents the whole country from coast to the centre… with a vivid gold belt buckle to represent our booming mining industry.”
- Kooey designer Nikki Silverthorne

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A Despicable Me minion vomiting mulled berry punch everywhere.

 
2012 - Renae Ayris
 
 
DESIGNER VISION:
“I want the design to represent everything golden, prosperous and lucky about Australia… to be really fresh and bright and also represent the sunsets of Australia. It is inspired by the sails of the Sydney Opera House.”
- Jessica Bregenhoj

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A Greek goddess from one of those ‘guilty pleasure’ cream cheese commercials marketed to young suburban stay-at-home mothers.

 
2013 – Olivia Wells
 
DESIGNER VISION:
"I wanted to show the curves of the female form, whilst combining elements of Australian beaches (the cascade of sparkling jewels). The sexy silhouette reflects our weather and beach culture. The ostrich feather reflects Australia's unique fauna…  I grew up by the sand and water, and had seen a documentary on the Great Barrier Reef's ecosystems.”
- Jason Chetcuti

 WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A toilet brush after being dipped into a cistern full of Duck brand bowl-rim disinfectant.


 2014 – Tegan Martin
 
DESIGN VISION:
My costume is inspired by the Dreamtime [with permission from the Wurundgeri tribe]. This gown represents the oldest, ancient, island continent on earth; rich in minerals; surrounded by the azure blue Pacific, Indian and Southern oceans; and embraced by brilliant sunsets.”
- Caitlin Holstock

 WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
The third chick from the Destiny Child’s Survivor music video who nobody remembers.



 
With Australia having a rather lazy sense of national identity (What are our national colour themes? True Blue? Green & Gold? Sydney Harbour whites? Earthy outback tones? Sun and surf?) it will always be difficult to represent our continental nation in chiffon form as our representative sash sashays down the runway - but heck, surely professional designers can do a bit better than this line-up of cringe-inducing frock shocks and thumbs-down gown creations?

 
COSTUME IDEAS FOR MISS UNIVERSE AUSTRALIA 2015:

- Craft a giant cubic foam lamington costume

- I’m A Barbie Girl (including shrimp headdress chucked on top)

- Staple Yahoo Serious to the pageant contestant

 - Pay tribute to our monarchist overlords by wearing a Union Jack morphsuit and cape
 
- A lifesized goon bag pegged to a revolving Hills Hoist

 

Anastasia ("Anaconda" Nicki Minaj 50 Shades of Grey parody)

ANASTASIA
(to the tune of "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj)
 
 My Anastasia don't... my Anastasia don't...
My Anastasia don't want none unless you cause harm, son

Hey bae named Grey, lives in Washington State
Bought rope from a Bunnings with a carton of tape 
Got my booty red and raw, gonna give it a callous
Spite and malice, making me scream
With his beatings and violence
How I squeal, squeal, squeal
You know I’ll squirt, check the stains on this Steele
Who wanna get hurt? I got him dusting off his drill
A Tylenol will be my morning after pill
I’ll be your drumkit
 
Christian Grey, wanna flay
Gonna swell as he whipping my weals
Thumbs, I have stuck ‘em under both of his heels
Laying on a Catherine Wheel
Watch my dripping blood congeal
He keep ‘nailing’ me for real
Hit with an electric eel
‘cause he love when I’m groaning
He want something he can stab
Then he’ll pull off every scab
Muffled by my rubber gag like
“Mmph-hrmmph-hmm-rrmph-hrmmph-mmph!”
 
My Anastasia don't... my Anastasia don't...
My Anastasia don't want none unless you cause harm, son
 
Bowline knots… look at her cut
Those iron rods … look at her clot
Snow white bod… look at her smut
Look at that slut (Struck on her butt)
 
This dude’s a psycho with his Dominance bible
Such rigour in his power, it’s so ‘suite’ when he’s ‘bridle’
Black vinyl and zippers, verging on homicidal
When he says he’d ‘tap’ that deep, he be talking ‘bout ‘spinal’
Then it’s clang clang clang
I let him hit it as I hang from chains
He dropping acid on my ankle sprains
I love the pain and ache from muscular strains
Plucking my armpits
 
Fifty Shades, E. L. James
Gonna swell as he whipping my weals
Thumbs, I have stuck ‘em under both of his heels
Laying on a Catherine Wheel
Watch my dripping blood congeal
He keep ‘nailing’ me for real
God, I love the taste of steel
And he love when I’m moaning
Now he got a paddle bat
Soon I’ll need a bodybag
My autopsy on the slab like
“More more more more more more!”
 
My Anastasia don't... my Anastasia don't...
My Anastasia don't want none unless you cause harm, son
 
Bowline knots… look at her cut
Those iron rods … look at her clot
Snow white bod… look at her smut
Look at that slut (Struck on her butt)
 
Crippling my nipples and a hot whipcrack
Dribbling my spittle as you talk that smack
Whip me in the hip until my butt’s crosshatched
No light stuff… hook in my gut
 
My Anastasia don't... my Anastasia don't...
My Anastasia don't want none unless you cause harm, son
My Anastasia don't... my Anastasia don't...
Don't want none unless you cause harm, son

Bowline knots… look at her cut
Those iron rods … look at her clot
Snow white bod… look at her smut
Look at that slut (Struck on her butt)
 
Uh, he love my black straps
Uh-uh-uh-uh
Yeah, this one is for my missies who got that knack to be stuck as Sub
I said, “Where my sadist Sub-missives getting clubbed?”
I’ll need twenty stitches, getting hit by switches in the butt
I wanna see all the sick-sad-men-with-riches-and-a-mother-complex sob
Stuff you if you don’t get vicious
Hit me!
Yeah, my safe word’s “Hit me more!”
Come on!

*whip crack*

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Did Girls And Asians Dominate HSC Results This Year? Pretty Much.


Back in mid-October, I made a few observations about successful HSC results over the past 13 years, and noted how certain demographics seemed to make regular appearances in certain subjects, despite the marking process being one of relative anonymity with all students assigned an arbitrary ID number for a fair marking process.

Among these observations were the following key comments:

-          Out of around 800 high schools spread across 809,000km² of New South Wales, 47 out of the 50 top performing schools in 2013 all came from within a 3,000km² area of urban Sydney.
 
 

-          Despite 5% of Australia’s population being Indigenous and <4% of Australia’s population being of Chinese heritage, Indigenous students rarely appear at all in lists of academic distinction, whereas Chinese students appear in the Distinguished Achievers disproportionately higher compared to all other demographics that take up a similar percentage of the Australian population.
 
 
-          There are certain subjects each year which display a notable gender dominance in First In Course results, both involving vast disparity in enrolment and relatively equal enrolment.

-          The Top 7 high schools of 2013 were all selective government schools with a non-English speaking (predominantly Chinese) population of 97%, 94%, 88%, 90%, 90%, 82% and 90% respectively.
-          Rich private schools around the inner city with predominantly Catholic and South African/Jewish populations also perform consistently well in HSC results. A high ICSEA rating (around the 1200 mark) tends to link with highest scoring results.

-          A smaller though noteworthy number of schools with high Indian attendance also perform well in the HSC, despite Australia’s Indian population being significantly smaller than our Italian, Greek, Arabic, Serbian, French, Spanish, German, Macedonian, Croatian, Polish and Turkish-speaking populations.
 
 

-          Girls and Asians generally dominate HSC results.
(The Daily Telegraph seems to have published very similarly-themed articles over the past week, and considering my previous blog was a primary Google result when searching 'Asians HSC' or 'Girls HSC' I can't help but wonder...)
 

 

 

For 2014, the trends stayed generally the same, with 67 girls attaining First In Course wins compared to 38 boys, continuing the academic dominance of girls in recent years. With apparently 75,000 students enrolled in HSC subjects this year (I assume accelerated single-subject Year 11 students were also counted) it was a very large playing field indeed.

Below are some of my more successful 2014 predictions for a number of subjects, based on their general trends over the past 14 years:


DANCE
My prediction: Never, ever ever, a boy or an ethnic.
2014 Winners: Three different White girls.

DRAMA
My prediction: A White girl from the Northern Beaches named Amelia.
2014 Winner: A White girl from Byron Bay named Annabelle.
 
FOOD TECHNOLOGY
My prediction:
Never, ever ever a boy.
Girls have won 13/13 years despite 25-33% of enrolments being boys.
2014 Winner: A girl.
 
PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT, HEALTH AND PHYSICAL EDUCATION
My prediction: A White girl from a rural school.
Twice as many boys take PDHPE than girls but 12/13 wins have been girls.
2014 Winner: A White girl from Parramatta.
 
TEXTILES & DESIGN
My prediction: Never, ever ever, a boy.2014 Winner: A girl.
 
ENGLISH ADVANCED
My prediction: With 30,000+ students of all demographics, I lean slightly towards a girl, and a 1-in-a-thousand crack at Pymble.
2014 Winner: A girl from North Sydney Girls High School.
 
MODERN GREEK BEGINNERS, CONTINUERS AND EXTENSION
My prediction: Wogs.
Every single surname will contain either Z, V, K or OU and end in S, I guarantee it.
2014 Winners: Doulakis, Kefalas and Vallis.
 
ENGINEERING
My prediction: Never, ever ever, a girl. IT WILL BE A BOY.
2014 Winner: A boy.
 
SOFTWARE DESIGN & DEVELOPMENT
My prediction: A White boy from Moriah College. Almost 94% enrolment in SD&D is male.
2014 Winner: A White boy from Normanhurst Boys High School.
 
LEGAL STUDIES:
My prediction: A random name from a school you've never heard of before.
2014 Winner: Spiros Kalavritinos from Georges River College Oatley Senior Campus.
 
MUSIC EXTENSION 1
My prediction: A White boy from a random bogan school.
2014 Winner: A White boy from a random bogan school in Ballina.
 
SOCIETY AND CULTURE
My prediction: An Eastern European girl.
Damned if she doesn't have a Croatian/Serbian/Czech/Russian sounding surname.
2014 Winner: A girl with a Portuguese surname.
 
GERMAN BEGINNERS, CONTINUERS AND EXTENSION
My prediction: Eastern European Whites all around.
2014 Winners: A White girl for Beginners.
An Eastern European White boy for Continuers and Extension.
 
PERSIAN STUDIES
My prediction: [comment amended in sensitivity of recent events in Sydney] A convoluted Arabic surname like Valizadeh Baghjeghaz, Arjomand Bigdeli, Vafaeiafraz or Darvishzadehzolpirani.
2014 Winner: Mohtasham Ansari

AGRICULTURE
My prediction: A Chinese girl from James Ruse Agricultural High School.
2014 Winner: A Chinese boy from Hurlstone Agricultural High School.

MATHEMATICS, EXTENSION 1 AND EXTENSION 2
My prediction: Chinese students from James Ruse with a White first name and ridiculously Asian surname, or a A White boy from Sydney Grammar.
2014 Winners: Paul Yu for Mathematics, Michael Sun from James Ruse for Extension 2.

BIOLOGYMy prediction: Abbotsleigh has beaten James Ruse for Biology 4:3 so I say Abbotsleigh.
2014 Winner: James Ruse.
 
ANCIENT HISTORY, MODERN HISTORY, EXTENSION

My predictions: A White boy from a private Sydney Catholic school for Ancient.
Either a White girl from North Shore or Chinese girl from a Girls’ School for Modern.
A White girl from a random rural school for Extension.
2014 Winners: A White girl from a random rural school for Ancient History.
A White boy from a private Sydney school for Modern.
A Chinese girl from a Girls’ School for Extension.

JAPANESE BEGINNERS
My prediction: A Vietnamese or South Korean girl at a Western Sydney school.
2014 Winner: A Filipino girl at a Western Sydney school.

Two White boys clocked up 9 First In Course wins between them this year.
What they lack in number, they make up for in efficiency.


As you can see towards the end there, my predictions became a little less accurate... and the numerous *omitted* predictions from hereon would display that several past trends were wildly overthrown, such as the first male Visual Arts win in a decade and the notable spike in Indian names this year.

Speculative jokes can only go so far and attempting demographic pigeonholing based on gender, race and socioeconomic location is evidently a flawed exercise.

Best of luck with your tertiary pursuits, students!

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Will Girls And Asians Dominate HSC Results This Year? Probably



The Higher School Certificate (or ‘HSC’ for all you hip jivin’ youngsters) marks the culmination of six years of secondary education for around 60,000 New South Wales students each year.
During the final exam/assessment period, students endure a stressful marathon of weeks honing essay paragraph structure, memorising historical dates, binge-reciting foreign syntax, quoting famous figures, scrawling formula procedures, perfecting performances and polishing up the finishing touches on woodworks/ metalworks/ artworks and food… works… until an exhausted meatpuppet of educated humanity is plopped out the other end as a cookie-cutter adult ready to mould themselves further in the tertiary academic world.

To ensure a fair marking process for the HSC, all students are assigned an ID number so that markers are unable to discern the identity of the student being marked. (Albeit, several subjects cannot avoid face-to-face judging, seeing as certain performance-based Drama, Music, Dance and Visual Art assessments rely upon an individual being marked in person, and a significant chunk of foreign language subjects require engaging in discussion with an external marker vis-a-vis.)

As a general overview, however, the anonymity afforded to HSC students provides an interesting overview of how different genders and ethnicities objectively perform in various subjects year after year. Pedantic comedians such as yours truly therefore have fair grounds to take these non-biased results and spin stereotypical commentary from them regarding which subjects will favour certain demographics.

In conclusion, here are my predictions as to who will top which subjects for the 2014 HSC based on previous years’ results… 

* All First In Course information sourced below is available on the NSW Board Of Education website and is published in newspapers every year
* All demographic data is sourced from the 2011 Australian Census and MySchool website
* Some subjects may have had joint ‘First In Course’ winners in a given year
* Some subjects may not have existed until more recent years, or may no longer exist
* If the highest achiever in a course failed to get a mark over 90, there was no ‘First In Course’ certificate awarded for that year.
* If in doubt over an individual’s heritage or gender, they were omitted from profiling.
 I quite literally Facebook/Google stalked every winner to ensure accurate bigotry

 WHICH SCHOOLS PERFORM BEST IN THE HSC?

Ranking high schools according to the percentage of students who score in the highest band for an HSC course (Distinguished Achievers) is the method used to measure HSC success; however fluctuations between individual years can see a school shifting dramatically up or down the ranking.

Generally, though, selective government schools around the Sydney area are the elite performers and consistently clock up the best results, with private inner-city schools also performing solidly. Schools are assigned an Index of Community Socio-Educational Advantage (ICSEA) rating with a median score of 1000, based on the financial wellbeing of the families attending the school. An ICSEA rating of 500 would indicate the most impoverished schools in the nation, 1,300 would represent the most affluent.

- James Ruse Agricultural High School scores top of the pack in the HSC year after year, with a considerable margin before second place. The school has a 97% student population from a language background other than English. It’s… it’s really Asian is what I’m saying.
ICSEA rating: 1249

 - Baulkham Hills High School has ranked 2nd and 5th in the past two years respectively, and is another selective government school with a 94% non-English-heritage student population.
ICSEA rating: 1200

- Hornsby Girls High School has ranked 3rd and 6th in the past two years respectively, and is another selective government school with an 88% non-English-heritage student population.
ICSEA rating: 1229

- North Sydney Boys High has ranked 4th and 2nd in the past two years respectively, and is another selective government school with a 90% non-English-heritage student population.
ICSEA rating: 1216

 - North Sydney Girls High has ranked 5th and 3rd in the past two years respectively, and is another selective government school with a 90% non-English-heritage student population.
ICSEA rating: 1216

- Sydney Girls High School has ranked 6th and 4th in the past two years respectively, and is another selective government school with an 82% non-English-heritage student population.
ICSEA rating: 1196

- Sydney Boys High School has ranked 7th and 8th in the past two years respectively, and is another selective government school with a 90% non-English-heritage student population.
ICSEA rating: 1205

You get the gist.

There are around 800 secondary schools in NSW. In 2013, 47 out of the top 50 HSC results came from the Sydney area.
(See below.)

 
To put that into perspective, ~95% of the best high schools in all of NSW fit inside this red circle:

  

In Australia, it is evident that money gets you good marks in education. From the small pockets of dots seen around affluent inner city suburbs, you can expect private schools full of Jews and Catholics. The more widely spread dots generally represent selective public schools which tend to be dominated by well-off Asian and Indian students.
-          22 of the top 50 high schools have a high Chinese population.
-          14 of the top 50 high schools have a high South African (Jewish) population.
-          6 of the top 50 high schools have a high Indian population.


 Indigenous students in NSW and Australiawide are generally outliers of low academic performance, low attendance rates and high dropout rates for high school. A quick overview of ICSEA scores and Aboriginal student enrolment at the top-performing high schools in NSW reflects this issue rather evidently, but is an entirely different thread of discussion altogether.
  
NUMBER OF HSC ENTRIES BY YEAR
*Based off combining the number of students studying English Advanced, English Standard or English As A Second Language, seeing as English is the only mandatory subject for all students across the board.

2003 – 60,000
2004 – 60,000
2005 – 60,000
2006 – 60,000
2007 – 61,000
2008 – 62,000
2009 – 63, 000
2010 – 64,000
2011 – 64,000
2012 – 62, 000
2013 – 61, 000
 
SO, WHO WILL FINISH FIRST IN COURSE FOR THE 2014 HSC?

 Aboriginal Studies
A White girl from Cheltenham Girls High School.
For 3 out of the past 4 years, a Cheltenham Girls High School student has topped Aboriginal Studies for the HSC. Their school has an ICSEA value of 1146 and a 0% Aboriginal population.
 

 
Accounting
A Chinese girl attending a Sydney Institute campus.
From 2003-2012, the Sydney Institute and its northern campuses (Petersham, Northern Beaches and Hornsby) produced 11 First In Course wins for Accounting.


[Alas, it appears Accounting is no longer included in the HSC Syllabus. This was a shoe-in.]


Agriculture
A Chinese girl from James Ruse Agricultural High School.
From 2001-2013, 8 students who received First In Course for Agriculture have come from James Ruse Agricultural High School and 7 over that time were Chinese girls.


Arabic Continuers and Arabic Extension
The same Lebanese girl for both subjects.
From 2001-2013, there have been 10 occasions where the same student topped both Arabic Continuers and Arabic Extension.




Biology
*WILDCARD*
Genderwise, Biology is anyone’s for the taking. That said, Abbotsleigh has outdone James Ruse with winners here 4:3 so I’ll put my money on them taking back the crown this year with a White girl posing behind a microscope for her photo in the newspaper.
 

 
Chemistry
A Chinese girl from James Ruse or Baulko.
From 2001-2013, Baulkham Hills has produced 3 Chemistry winners and James Ruse has produced 4 Chemistry winners. 8 Chinese girls notched up a Chemistry win over that time.

 

Chinese Background Speakers, Chinese Continuers and Chinese Extension
A Chinese student from a single-sex Sydney school.
From 2001-2013, there have been 14 First In Course wins clocked up by Chinese students for Background Speakers, 12 for Continuers and 10 for Extension.

Some may scoff that this is as an obvious outcome, but note that one HSC student in 2012 topped French Extension, German Extension AND Italian Continuers and Italian Extension.

Furthermore, Chinese students have also topped the following language courses:
- English As A Second Language:       11 times
- English Advanced:                            Twice
- English Extension 1:                         6 times in the last 9 years
- English Extension 2:                         Twice

- Classical Greek Continuers:             5 times
- Classical Greek Extension:               3 times
- Dutch Continuers:                            Once
- French Beginners:                            Once
- French Continuers:                           3 times
- French Extension:                             Twice
- German Beginners:                          Once
- German Extension:                           Once
- Italian Beginners:                             Twice
- Latin Continuers:                              5 times
- Latin Extension:                                4 times
- Spanish Beginners:                           4 times

Considering that European languages use the same alphabet as English, one can generally infer that somebody of Asian background would have more difficulty than an Anglo student would in studying those languages. Also, there would be plenty of English As A Second Language students who are not Chinese (ie. from other areas of Asia, Europe or the Middle East) so the dominance of Chinese students in the HSC is indeed notable when considering the ratio of students in Australia, as outlined below:


873,275 Australians identified as speaking a Chinese language in the 2011 Australian Census, or 3.9% of the population.
Adding together the remaining Asian, Middle Eastern and European languages spoken in Australia, there were 2,107,805 other individuals from a non-English-speaking background, or 9.4% of the population. That would leave 19,480,480 native English speakers.

AUSTRALIA               22,340,000

ASIAN                         1,304,518
*Chinese                     371,357
Vietnamese                  278,236
*Cantonese                 244,553
*Mandarin                  220,601
Tagalog                       39,643
Korean                        39,529
Indonesian                   38,724
*Other Chinese           36,764
Japanese                     35,111

EUROPEAN               1,264,478
Italian                          316,890
Greek                          252,220
Serbian                        95,365
French                         93,593
Spanish                        78,878
German                       76,443
Macedonian                67,836
Croatian                      63,611
Polish                          53,387
Maltese                        41,393
Dutch                          40,188
Russian                        36,501
Hungarian                   24,485
Portuguese                  23,688

 MIDDLE EASTERN   319,593
Arabic                         243,662
Turkish                        50,693
Persian                        25,238

SOUTH ASIAN           92,491
Hindi                           47,817
Tamil                           24,074
Sinhalese                     20,600

Assuming <4% of HSC students are Chinese, this demographic forms a clear outlier in academic performance every year. One would expect 2-3 times as many non-Chinese foreign students to be topping ESL, but this is simply not the case.
White Australian students outnumber Chinese students a whopping 22 times, yet Chinese students repeatedly dominate several HSC subjects over this enormous disparity.

The stereotype that Asians study a lot is thus completely verified by over a decade of objectively marked data. That’s… that’s all I really wanted to get at in this exercise.
The rest of this is just complete filler so I don’t appear to be a total racist.
I can be totally sexist, too.





 

Dance
Never, ever ever, a boy or an ethnic.
White girls from performing arts schools and college campuses have won this subject 13 years in a row. 95% of Dance students are female. Everyone knows Asians are unco. You do not stand a chance. All hail J’amie.

 

Drama
A White girl from the Northern Beaches named Amelia.
The last 12 winners in a row for Drama have been White girls.
3 of them have been named Amelia.
Like, really now, what are the fucking chances of that.

 

Economics
A Chinese student from a single-sex Sydney school.
Over the last 5 years, 4 Chinese students from a single-sex Sydney school took First In Course for Economics. Despite a 60/40 gender split, boys and girls top Economics evenly so a fair playing field genderwise.
 


 
Engineering
Never, ever ever, a girl.
Year after year after year, over 96.5% of Engineering students are boys. It may be a Chinese boy from a Sydney boys school who tops this course. It may be a White boy from a country town who tops this course. It may be a Lebanese boy studying distance who tops this course.
IT WILL BE A BOY.
 



 
English (Advanced)
*WILDCARD*
With over half of all HSC students studying Advanced each year, First In Course for this subject jumps between boys and girls of all backgrounds, though dominantly from around the Sydney area.
My money leans slightly towards a girl, and I’ll have a random 1-in-a-thousand crack at Pymble pulling a win.


 

English (Standard)
A White girl from a single-sex school.
Inarguably the most studied course for the HSC, White girls have been fairly dominant in Standard English over the past decade, so despite the 30,000+ variables involved, this one is a pretty solid bet.

 

English Extension 1
A Chinese girl from a North Shore school.
With 5 wins in the past 8 years, Chinese girls are slogging this course a solid new one.

 

English Extension 2
*WILDCARD*
Jumping about First In Course laureates year after year from city to country, boy to girl, White to Asian, this subject based on a major work submission is more subjectively marked by judges and thus open to fluctuating demographic strengths.
I’ll hazard a 50/50 on a White girl from Moriah or a Chinese boy from Barker.




 

Food Studies
Never, ever ever, a boy.
Despite ¼th -1/3rd of Food Studies students being boys, girls have won this subject every single year since 2001.
Say what you will about Feminism, but I think over a decade of data covering tens of thousands of students displays a little scientific cred in gender stereotyping here.

 

French Beginners, French Continuers and French Extension
*WILDCARD*
Second language studies open up the chance of a First In Course to everyone on a fairly even playing field, so no surprises that a variety of ethnicities show up over the years.
That said, girls have the edge on Continuers and French Extension so I’ll guess at a White Pymble girl win for those two, and for Beginners, a random ethnic boy from West Sydney for good measure.



 
 
Geography
*WILDCARD*
Another subject with no set demographic displaying dominance in the field.
Abbotsleigh has put its finger in the pie more than once but I’m gunning for a Hornsby Girls or Masada foot in the door this year.

 
 
German Beginners, German Continuers and German Extension
*WILDCARD*
Like French, girls have the slight edge on Continuer and Extension, but unlike French, the surnames here all sound like names you’d hear on a Winter Olympics podium. I say Eastern European boy for Beginners and Eastern European girl for the other two.




 
Ancient History, Modern History and History Extension
Whiteys.
Ancient History - A White boy from a private Catholic school around Sydney. (Although those White girls from a private Catholic school around Sydney will sure give them a run for their money.)

Modern History – 50/50 between a White girl from the North Shore or a Chinese girl from a Girls’ School.

History Extension – With only 2 boys topping this course over 13 years, a White girl from a random rural school you’ve never heard of should take Extension.
 






 



 
Italian Beginners, Continuers and Extension
Going against the usual language trend, boys dominate Continuers and Extension.

Italian Beginners – a White girl from Santa Sabina College.

Italian Continuers – a White boy from Sydney Grammar School. 

Italian Extension – the same boy who won Continuers.






 Japanese Beginners
A Vietnamese or South Korean girl at a Western Sydney school
Japanese Continuers is hands-down the domain of natives, but Beginners has had numerous other South East Asian surnames in the mix.

 

Latin Continuers and Latin Extension
A Chinese boy from Sydney Grammar School
Sydney Grammar School has notched up 8 First In Course awards for Latin over the years, though Chinese girls from Sydney Girls’ School and White boys from SCEGS and Canberra are not to be scoffed at.


 Legal Studies
*WILDCARD*
A surprising blend of genders and regional locations for Legal Studies winners each year.
Quite literally expecting a random name from a school that hasn’t won this before.
 


Mathematics (General)
*WILDCARD*
The second-most studied HSC subject with objective right-or-wrong answers and the most even gender split of all subjects at an almost perfect 50/5 0ratio every year, resulting in random First In Course wins from absolutely all over the place.
I’ll guesstimate that General Maths is up for grabs by a random girl from an ethnic minority group attending a school you’ve never heard of before.


 
Mathematics, Mathematics Extension 1 and Mathematics Extension 2
Chinese students with an Anglo first name and ridiculously Asian surname.
There’s a bit of a cliché that goes ‘Asians are good at math’. I have already discussed earlier about how a tiny minority of students repeatedly dominate academic results.

Mathematics - one for the Asians, hands down. Chinese students have attained First In Course for Maths 11 times from 2001-2013. James Ruse boy should take this one.

 Mathematics Extension 1 – 15 First In Course wins for Chinese students since 2001 (more than one student may win First In Course in a given year, especially in a subject such as Mathematics where answers are objectively right or wrong). Let’s say a James Ruse girl win here.

Mathematics Extension 2 – 7 First In Course wins for Chinese students since 2001, I’m gonna guess a Sydney Grammar win for this year.

 


Modern Greek Beginners, Greek Continuers and Greek Extension
Wogs.
Every single surname will contain either Z, V, K or OU and end in S, I guarantee it.

 

Music 1, Music 2 and Music Extension
An interesting difference between the 1 and 2 demographics here.

Music 1 – A White boy from a random bogan school

Music 2 – A Chinese girl from Sydney

Music Extension – The same girl who won Music 2.




 

Persian Background Speakers
A terrorist.
I mean, really now. Will you look at these surnames?
Valizadeh Baghjeghaz.

Arjomand Bigdeli
Vafaeiafraz
Darvishzadehzolpirani.
These jumbled letters are clearly code for something . We need to get ASIO on this asap.


Personal Development, Health and Physical Education
Surprisingly, a White girl from a rural school.
With 12/13 wins since 2001, this is another subject dominated by White girls, despite the fact that almost twice as many boys take this subject every year as girls. *Interesting*
I guess hiding your boner in class all the time when presented with anatomical diagrams and sex ed videos proves too distracting.

 
 
Physics
A Chinese boy from James Ruse.
Although the ladies poke their heads in here every now and again, Chinese boys have this one under wraps and James Ruse is due to reclaim their sporadically-won title.



 
Society and Culture
An Eastern-European girl.
Seem a bit left-of-field? I thought so, too. But damned if it won’t be a girl with a Croatian/Serbian/Czech/Russian sounding surname.

 
 
Software Design & Development
A White boy from Moriah College.
One girl has managed a First In Course for Software Design & Development since 2001, no mean feat given the 93-94% prevalence of boys in the subject.


 
Studies of Religion 1
A White boy from a private Catholic school with ‘St’ in its name.
Because Catholicism covers all religions, really.


 
Studies of Religion 2
A White girl from a private Catholic school with ‘Lady’ in its name.
I’m guessing this course is more Pope Francis material.

 

Textiles and Design
Never, ever ever, a boy.
With a huge gender disparity to the tune of 98.5%, it is no surprise that 15 out of 15 First In Course awards since 2001 have been girls. (Construction has an EVEN HIGHER rate of gender disparity!) Broughton Anglican College had a nice run a few years’ back for Textiles and Design triumphs, but I’m gearing towards a White girl from Sydney Girls School here.

 
 
Visual Arts
A White girl from a Sydney girls’ school.
Visual Arts has seen 12 First In Place wins for girls over the past 13 years, and 6 out of the previous 7 wins came from a Sydney girls' school.

 
 
Well, that was a productive use of my time.

Best of luck to our future shelf-stackers, burger-flippers and coffee servants!
And remember, the HSC is really, really important and you will totally still be thinking and caring about it 18 months from now.