Sunday, June 30, 2013

So You Want To Vote One Nation


Wowsers, what a week.
If voters were disillusioned in the 2010 election (as evidenced by an 11.75% vote for minor party The Greens and Labor scraping through the election with a minority government) then 2013 looks set for another free-for-all of Independents and minor parties sticking their feet in the door for dem seats, seeing as the major parties seem to be all in a kerfuffle. One such minor party that has consistently been in the public eye for over a decade is One Nation; a group that promotes conservative nationalistic ideals (with some surprising policy amendments recently.)
 
Image from the One Nation website.
W... wait, $10 doesn't equal free.
Already your fiscal policies seem suspect...
 
Although popularity for the party has dropped drastically since 1998, from 8-9% of the House of Reps and Senate vote down to a meagre 0.2-0.6% in the last Federal Election, interest will inevitably peak in coming 2013 polls now that Pauline Hanson has rejoined the ranks.


Image from the One Nation website.

Ever the investigative reporter, I thought I would delve into the One Nation political platform and review a few of the policies Australia would be seeing implemented should One Nation gain significant headway in the Federal Election later this year. (Note: Take this analysis as a synecdoche of all minor parties and Independents on offer this year for the Senate and the House of Reps. I encourage viewers to spend some time researching and analysing other political parties to foster constructive political debate leading up to the coming election, of policies vs personalities. Elections only come around every three years, make them count for your tax dollar and send the right people into government to do the things that need doing properly.)

  

WHO ARE ONE NATION?
One Nation was a party initially founded in 1998 to promote Australian-owned business and protest government support of foreign workers and the race-based welfare system available to Indigenous Australians. Their policies focussed on insular nationalistic ideals in place of diversity and growth through immigration and a globalised trade market.

Riding on the social zeitgeist of the time that Asianisation of Australia was growing uncontrollably and that local jobs were being lost to overseas workers and investors, One Nation managed to clock up over 22% of the statewide Queensland vote.

Party Leader Pauline Hanson’s maiden speech to the House of Representatives received wide media coverage and public discussion at the time. She has since remained in the peripherals of the political scene, with several failed election attempts over the years after branching out to form Pauline’s United Australia Party, before her return to One Nation earlier this year.

 
YEAH, BUT LIKE, REALLY… WHO ARE ONE NATION?
One Nation is a conglomerate of semiliterate Anglophonic Gen-X Christians who rank workforce skills training over academic studies and avoid interacting with communities of cultural difference, chirping “They took our jerbs!” at anyone >12 on the Von Luschan chromatic scale of skintone. They wish to construct a Rabbi-proof fence around Australian borders, equip our navy with a fleet of armed sea-vessels and maintain a nationalistic society, free from the cultural scourge of Muslim, Asian, African or any other lifestyle tainting.

Image from the One Nation website.

Startlingly, this broad description fits a large number of political parties in Australia; so by further comparison we can define One Nation as having a slightly less astute sense of super-egotistical campaigning shame than, say: the Liberal, National, Liberal National, Australian Christian, Family First, Australian Stable Population or No Carbon Tax Climate Sceptics parties. (I would still argue that One Nation is a far more sensible option than the Australia First, Christian Democratic or Katter’s Australian parties.)

 
 
 
 
 One Nation’s ideology is a blatant mimicry of right-wing American propaganda, much like an annoying younger toddler who tries to tag along with their older sibling’s friends on outdoor ventures and ends up being a constant burden of naïveté and incompetent ability along the way. Much like the American Right Wing, One Nation repeatedly offers download links to the Australian Constitution. No introduction or abridged party commentary on it, just here… have a copy of the Australian Constitution, everybody. Free download! Woo! Constitutionnnnn!
Image from the One Nation website.

http://sa.onenation.com.au/heather.htm
Just as Obama’s birth certificate was a constant point of question from his detractors, One Nation questions the validity of Julia Gillard as Prime Minister:
“A person holding citizenship or rights of citizenship in a foreign country (including UK) is ineligible to be a member of the Senate or House of Representatives… The question is: "Has Julia Gillard renounced British citizenship in proper form and has the renunciation been registered?"”
Yes. The answer to that question is yes. You should have been able to find that answer rather quickly from a number of easily accessible sources.
 
Image from the One Nation website.

http://sa.onenation.com.au/austflag.htm
The name ‘One Nation’ derives from the lyric ‘One Nation Under God’ from the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag. Numerous images and gifs of the Australian flag are plastered across the One Nation party websites, along with paragraphs of in-depth flag-based history.
They also include an anonymous poem written in the first person by the Australian flag as it recalls patriotic experiences over the last century of Australian history.

 
Image from the One Nation website.

http://www.nsw.onenation.com.au/Slimdusty.flv
The NSW website includes a tribute music video to Slim Dusty, full of European settlement imagery, diggers holding the Australian flag, hot blonde chicks wrapped in the Australian flag, happy White Australian families waving the Australian flag, slowly-undulating close-ups of the Australian flag…

Image from the One Nation website.

You may also notice a prominent image of Abraham Lincoln, with a quote beside it reading
“You cannot build character and courage by taking away man’s initiative and independence.”
 -Abraham Lincoln
A quick Google reveals that this quote is not actually from Abraham Lincoln, rather from a pamphlet written by Presbyterian Minister William Boetcker in 1916, which included Abraham Lincoln quotes on one side and his own statements on the other.

“It matters not to us in Australia that he was an American president, for what we are faced with today is in essence not all that dissimilar to that (sic) Lincoln himself was confronted with…”
Despite the fact that Lincoln never actually said the quote at all, I believe that he led The American Union through a Civil War in the 1860s against Southern Confederate states, eventually abolishing slavery laws. This is ENTIRELY dissimilar to an Australian political party campaigning for tougher immigration laws and less foreign investment for a 2013 Commonwealth nation.

“… and those that do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
Those that do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it? This coming from the supporters of Pauline Hanson, who was an unsuccessful candidate in the 1998 QLD state election, 2001 Federal election, 2003 NSW state election, 2004 Federal election, 2007 Federal election and 2009 QLD state election.

Image from the One Nation website.

One Nation also quotes The Declaration Of Arbroath, a Scottish letter to the Pope in 1320 confirming Scottish independence and asserting themselves as their own kingdom against the reigning monarch. This seems to clash with One Nation’s strong anti-Republic, pro-monarchist, pro-Union Jack messages throughout their websites.

The party seems to be rather overloaded with vague patriotic rhetoric and contempt for current government laxness in areas of foreign policy and the Australian workforce.

“Our government instead is intent on selling all of our assets in contemptuous disregard for you and Australian sovereignty. Their policies sending (sic) a huge portion of the population into poverty and despair.”
Um, Australia currently has the 5th highest per capita income in the world, and has the 12th largest economy despite only taking up 0.1% of the global population. We are ranked 2nd in the world on the Human Development Index, a composite statistic of life expectancy, education, and income. This is far from poverty and despair. Why, it sounds like the complete opposite.

Image from the One Nation website.
 
 
SO WHY SHOULD I VOTE FOR ONE NATION?
Just because a party is founded on a few crackpot issues you don’t agree with, doesn’t mean every policy they espouse is going to go against common sense, contradict your political beliefs or be a completely outlandish and impractical idea of change to current systems in place. I’ll save those ones for later. One Nation has a fairly substantial policy base covering a wide area of issues affecting Australian society, outlined on their South Australia website:
- Commonwealth Parliament
- Communications, Information Technology & Arts
- Defence & Security
- Education, Science & Training
- Employment & Workplace Relations
- Energy & Mining
- Environment
- Family & Community Services
- Health
- Immigration & Customs
- Industry, Manufacturing, Business & Tourism
- Law & Justice
- Primary Industries
- Review of Discriminative Policy
- Seniors in retirement
- Superannuation & Finance
- Taxation And Finance
- Trade & Treaties
- Transport
- Water*
* “One Nation believes water so important that it should have its own portfolio”


 I’ll start off by highlighting some of the One Nation policies that I found surprisingly positive and constructive for Australian society: (You know, going from briefest to longest and all.)

GAY MARRIAGE
http://vic.onenation.com.au/review.htm
“Although One Nation neither supports nor opposes same sex union, we believe that the decision to enter into a relationship is not one the government should make.
POLICY: ONE NATION WILL REPEAL CURRENT DISCRIMINATIVE LEGISLATION

One Nation will repeal all current discriminative legislation in order to protect the rights of all Australians. We believe all Australians have the right to choose how they live provided no harm comes to others.”
In case you weren’t aware, Kevin Rudd supported Philip Ruddock’s Marriage Amendment Act 2004 which states:
Marriage means the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life. Certain unions are not marriages. A union solemnised in a foreign country between: (a) a man and another man; or (b) a woman and another woman; must not be recognised as a marriage in Australia.”
In a 2007 press interview, Rudd is quoted as saying:
I have a pretty basic view on this, as reflected in the position adopted by our party, and that is, that marriage is between a man and a woman.”
Subsequent Labor leader and Prime Minister Julia Gillard similarly re-asserted the party’s policy against same sex marriage.

Mere months ago in September 2012, Rudd again failed to vote in support of the Same-Sex Marriage bill put to parliament. Only in May 2013 did Rudd suddenly backflip on his streak of not supporting gay marriage, right before backflipping again on prior comments that he would not be challenging Labor leadership.


In a March 2013 radio interview with Kyle and Jackie O, Pauline Hanson proclaimed:
“The fact is I don't agree with gay marriages, or gays adopting children or [having] in vitro fertilisation.” Months later in June, she announced she was rejoining One Nation, a party that now has a policy in support of repealing discriminatory marriage laws. Does Pauline Hanson not thus display the qualities of our nation’s Labor leaders Rudd and Gillard, justifying Pauline a shot at the top position too? Furthermore, is One Nation not more progressive in their stance on gay marriage than every other major party at this point in time?  


FIREARM REGULATIONS
http://vic.onenation.com.au/defence.htm
“Controls on importing assault weapons, a registry for gun owners with mandatory background checks and serial numbers, flagging those with a criminal record and destroying weapons used in a crime.”
Wow, I must have been wrong comparing One Nation to right-wing American political groups. That… that sounds like a completely sensible and viable gun ownership policy.

Image from the One Nation website.


DAMS AND CATCHMENTS
http://vic.onenation.com.au/water.htm
“Water is the only resource that Australia lacks; therefore it is essential to conserve this valuable commodity.”
POLICY: ONE NATION WILL CONDUCT A SERIES OF FEASIBILITY STUDIES ON WATER CATCHMENT and STORAGE ON THE FOLLOWING PROJECTS
One Nation goes on to list, like, two dozen different rivers, flood basins and water sources around Australia. It’s a pretty decent review of plans for each affected area.

PHYSICAL EDUCATION AND FITNESS
http://vic.onenation.com.au/education.htm
 
“A national sports program will teach children the values of physical activity, the values of teamship and provide children with the lifelong skills of healthy nutrition and diets to invest in their long term health. As part of the healthy living culture, the drug culture will not be condoned or tolerated in our schools or colleges. Teachers will be trained to teach children the negative outcomes associated with drugs.”
This seems like a positive way of combatting the ever-rising epidemic of hyper-chemicalised foods, unhealthy eating habits and obesity levels in children these days. (However, recent events would suggest that trying to teach kids an Australian sporting culture whilst also trying to teach kids that drug taking is not to be tolerated, kind of sends mixed messages…)


JUVENILE DELIQUENCY
“Juvenile justice, for those who qualify, involves giving our youth who front the courts a last chance before prison. Mixing black and white males and females together in a skills training program on an isolated property near Tingha in NSW was a huge success but the government pulled the funding when the program trainers found that a mere $200,000 was not enough when it went over budget, only needing $350,000 or so to work. Most of the training programs and equipment are provided by local industries i.e. panel beaters, mechanics, retail stores, light industry manufacturing and rural, etc. One Nation would get it going again under a new program.”
For a party consistently referred to as racist as backward, they sure seem to support a racial mix for troubled youths engaging in a rehabilitative skills training program.


Image from the One Nation website.
lol, I'm not even kidding.


AUSTRALIAN HISTORY EDUCATION
http://vic.onenation.com.au/education.htm
“Aboriginals are part of the Australian landscape and were settled on Australian soil before the first white settlers. History would include all facets of past Australian history including discovery, politics, inventions, sport, ANZACS and other conflicts, the arts and further areas that have impacted Australia as we know it today. The school system should seek to provide literacy and numeracy, and a much more generalised knowledge and skills base, which would enable students to graduate with the ability to accommodate a wide range of occupational futures. Additional features should include life skills, including parenting, work environments and social responsibilities. Attracting male teachers back into the occupation, so that numbers equal those of female teachers. One Nation will change the education system to encourage responsibility and self-discipline and skills in line with employment opportunities.”
Okay, I honestly believe that opening line is *attempting* to be as respectful as a One Nation party member can muster, inadvertently failing to understand the offensiveness of using ‘Aboriginals’ as a plural noun and the potentially dismissive undertone of the phrase ‘part of the landscape’. The rest of this policy sounds like a genuinely proactive ambition to train up future generations in pertinent life skills to equip them for the Australian employment market, and provide  more positive male role models to boys during their developmental stages.
Image from the One Nation website.


PHARMACEUTICALS
http://vic.onenation.com.au/health.htm
“One Nation believes in the restoration of the Commonwealth Serum Laboratories, to enable us to retain an alternative to the market exploitation of multinational drug companies. This
 would provide us with an indication of the real cost of drug production.”
I’ve watched enough Michael Moore to not trust those big pharmaceutical corporations in their drug pricing. Stick it to the maaaaan, man!


URANIUM
http://vic.onenation.com.au/energy.htm
“One Nation opposes the sale of uranium yellow cake and will process it into fuel rods, leasing them for electricity generation with by products to be returned for re-processing.”
One Nation is pro-uranium program and pro-nuclear energy. Considering that Australia has 31% of global uranium stores, I think having a nuclear energy policy in consideration is important for any party in Australia. I also appreciate that One Nation aims to at least not help arm the Iranians, but rather fuel an awesome submarine fleet. (Mentioned later.)

Image from the One Nation website.
 
 
 
HMM, SO I SHOULD VOTE FOR ONE NATION?
Ha. Good, now that I’ve accomplished a minimum criterion of balance in representing the party as a somewhat humanised and legitimate political group, allow me to toss that all into the mincer and really sink my teeth into the juicy flesh of hilarious ridiculousness that is the One Nation party.

One Nation has several affiliated state websites outlining their policies, core beliefs, political inspirations and aspirations. These websites are an absolute eyesore, looking like something out of a 1998 online spam business; with flashing two-frame gifs, highlighted bold capitalised text, corny clip art images and slowly-scrolling banners. (The South Australian website boasts a terrifying 500,000+ hits. There are 1 million South Australians enrolled in the state.)

Here are some basic typos to be found on the official party-endorsed pages. (I lost count of all the improper use of capital letters.)
http://vic.onenation.com.au/Equality.htm

“NO FUEL EXISE  (excise)
“NO SUPERANUATION TAXES”  (superannuation)
“WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTUARY (century)

“Initiatives that rank highly on One Nation's list of priorities are… the reigning in of crime and ferrel behaviour.” (reining in, feral behaviour).

http://sa.onenation.com.au/
“… there would be approximately $20Million people who would love to come to Australia to be feathered down with our social security system.”
- Ron Maclean
(Apparently dollar amounts are now a legitimate unit of measurement for counting people.)

But the stupidity doesn't stop with a basic failure in spelling, grammar or making sense:
“Perhaps it is time that the two Party preferred system was overturned and the minor Parties be looked at.  Many of these have policies that are put there for us, the people of this Great Country. Maybe they aren't ready to Govern but they just might do as Don Chipp used to say "Keep the bastards honest".”
Haha, yeah, that Democrat Don Chipp certainly seemed to know what he was talking about.
Vote  #1: Democrats! And just to make sure it’s clear, folks… One Nation is NOT READY TO GOVERN. Let’s just keep taking cracks at those who do.
 
“The policies of the Greens would destroy the fabric of Australian society, but are totally irresponsible, and would take us back to the laws of the jungle and Tarzan.”
Hahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ahhh, you’re good. You are *good*.


PARTY LEADER JIM SAVAGE
Now to current party leader, Jim Savage, the QLD candidate for One Nation.
http://www.onenationqld.com.au/

Image from the One Nation website.

Jim is a businessman “who works primarily in the Resource Industry currently engaged in exploration works in Papua New Guinea.” (Comments on his webpage reveal that this is in oil mining.) As an example of his sterling character, on June 25th 2013 he commented:
“I believe Islam is the biggest threat to the civilised world. We let these 15th century barbarians in at our own risk.”

He also commented on April 24th 2013 that “We openly oppose gay marriage.”
This directly goes against the previously mentioned policy that One Nation is neither for nor against gay marriage, but would support a bill allowing it in Australia. Which one are we to believe?

Jim Savage has a bucket list for 2013, which includes “closed borders”, “English only” language for Australia and a culture that is “our country and the law of the land”.
My Bucket List 2013:
HERE IS ALL I WANT
Gillard: Gone!
Craig Thompson: Gone!                                                                                                       
Three "Independents": Gone!
Put "GOD" back in Australia!
Borders: Closed!
Government: Obey its own laws NOW!
Language: English only
Schools to sing our National Anthem each day
Culture: Our Constitution, and the law of the Land!
Drug Free: Mandatory
Drug Screening before Welfare!
NO freebies to Non-Citizens!
We the people are coming!
 
One day after typing this out, Gillard was Gone! and two out of three Independents were Gone! Boy, that Bucket List was ticking up several successes already. Unfortunately, I am still unable to find ‘God’ in ‘Australia’ and have a feeling that ‘the law of the Land’ is very different to the laws outlined in the Constitution.

Image from the One Nation website.

On a different note, can you imagine singing the National Anthem every day of your school life? That’s 280 times a year, for 13 years… 3,640 times all up. We were sick of Gangnam Style after the fifth playing. You’d have a national riot on your hands if you made every schoolkid sing the national anthem every freaking day, Jim.

Next topic along, our school curriculum currently has Arabic, Armenian, Chinese, Classical Greek, Classical Hebrew, Croatian, Dutch, Filipino, French, German, Hindi, Hungarian, Indonesian, Italian, Japanese, Khmer, Korean, Latin, Macedonian, Malay, Maltese, Modern Greek, Modern Hebrew, Persian, Polish, Portuguese, Russian, Serbian, Spanish, Swedish, Tamil, Turkish, Ukrainian and Vietnamese available for the HSC. You seriously think these 34 different ethnic groups, representing about 1/6th of Australians who speak a second language at home, are going to be fine with having their language study option stripped from schools?

For comments such as this one, I am not even going to *bother* addressing the socially ethical givens and basic impracticality of One Nation’s xenophobic attitudes. I assume readers of this will relate and we can move on with a deadpan dismissive eyeroll.

Oh, but before I move on, I believe it is worth mentioning that Jim Savage, leader of the One Nation party espousing closed borders, English-only language and all-Australian patriotism, has a wife and two children who appear to be rather of South East Asian descent. Like, it makes this all seem to be an elaborate ruse for Jim to not have to have the in-laws around for dinner. 

Image from the One Nation website.
(Did NOT see that one coming, did you?)
 

ONE NATION POLICY STATEMENTS
Let us now have a brief review of the entire One Nation package of ludicrous policies:
http://onenation.com.au/votingtrends.htm
http://nsw.onenation.com.au/policy.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/commonwealth.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/communications.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/custom.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/defence.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/education.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/energy.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/environment.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/family.htm

http://vic.onenation.com.au/health.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/law.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/primary.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/seniors.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/taxation.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/trade.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/transport.htm
http://vic.onenation.com.au/water.htm


TAXATION AND FINANCE
“One Nation proposes a finance, bank and tax review, replacing the GST with a complete reform of the tax system… It will supply the necessary revenue for full financial support of the Australian Government… There is only one collector, the National Treasury and only one minuscule tax rate (1%) for all… the Transaction Tax system is the most efficient tax system ever devised by man to fund the National Treasury of any developed nation.”
Yes, I’m sure that’s why so many developed nations have adopted it so eagerly.

“Previous Reserve Bank of Australia figures indicated that Australians deposited & withdrew monies that when multiplied by a 1% Transaction Tax realised around 480 billion dollars of income.”
Actually, Reserve Bank of Australia figures May 2012- April 2013 indicate that our total cheque transactions, credit card and debit card exchanges equalled $13.27 trillion.
http://www.rba.gov.au/statistics/tables/index.html

Add to this 12 months of ATM withdrawals equalling $148 billion and we get $13.42 trillion in taxable Transactions. If you taxed this amount at 1%, the government would only manage a Federal revenue of $134.2 billion.

Wayne Swan’s recent 2013 Federal Budget was for $398 billion. Your Tax would only finance 1/3rd  of what treasurer Swan proposed as a budget required to fund the country properly. This may have something to do with why we currently have a 10% Goods and Services Tax and other income and import taxes in place. Because that system actually works. Also, did I mention that this 1% tax scheme is precisely the same as an anti-Obama ‘Debt Free America’ tax proposed by ‘a single congressman’ from Pennsylvania, ‘which has no support from any other member of Congress’ and ‘a 0% chance of being enacted’.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/taxes/debtfree.asp

 
COMMUNICATIONS, I.T. AND THE ARTS
ONE NATION WILL LEGISLATE NO FOREIGN OWNERSHIP (more than 49%) OF THE COMMUNICATIONS INDUSTRY BY 2018.
Since 2002, ‘foreign p
roposals involving portfolio shareholdings of 5% or more must be submitted for examination’. For pay tv, two or more foreign investors cannot own more than 35% in a company. For newspapers this is limited to 30% and for free-to-air tv this is limited to 20%.
Telstra has a foreign ownership restriction of no more than 35% of non-government-owned shares. Singaporean-owned Optus seems to be the only company that this policy seems applicable to. We have 3 Optus satellites providing remote areas with coverage. We have numerous Optus earth stations in major cities. We have 2 British Inmarsat earth stations serving the Indian Ocean and Pacific Region. We have 10 UK/US owned Intelsat earth stations serving the Indian Ocean and Pacific Region. But oh, let’s just monopolise the telecommunications industry with our superior Australian services under Tony Abbott’s national broadband system.

DEFENCE AND SECURITY
“One Nation will ensure security of our vast coastline and territorial waters, we will scrap the Collins class submersible boats, and replace them with modern submarines with stealth, endurance and lethality, capable of patrolling submerged and undetected, providing pure offensive devastating fire power.”
Gee, wonder who you’ll be trialling those lethal submarine fleets out on…

“One Nation will introduce a sound, competitive industrial manufacturing base as a key element of the national defence effort. With defence equipment and supplies manufactured in Australia preferable by Australian owned companies. Support sea, land and air based weapon system and platform upgrades and supplements that meet a national defence need. Support the implementation of credible air-defences for all force elements and sites defined as vital and key assets. Decentralise and duplicate defence needs manufacturing plants, vital stores and defence assets. Reintegrate a continuous and rotational-based war stores and stocks program.”
I’m sure your 1% universal taxation policy will fund all of this just fine, along with the free Medicare, irrigation schemes, energy production, pharmaceutical industry and other costly policies listed here.

“One Nation is resolute that women shall not be conscripted to engage in combat on or near front lines.  We are opposed to the conscription of women for combat for a host of reasons; suffice to say here that those that do support it are largely ignorant of the reality and brutality of war and inconsiderate of our servicemen and women.”
Considering that the Australian Defence Force has had repeated scandals regarding the ‘friendly fire’ treatment of women on home soil quarters, I doubt that allowing women to engage in front line combat will make any difference regarding that point. Denying women the opportunity to take on certain military roles, if they have proven themselves capable of doing so, would be clear gender discrimination.

EDUCATION, SCIENCE AND TRAINING
“Time and funds will not be wasted on politically correct subjects… Governments have taken the soft option on science; we once led the world in science. The Australian Atomic Energy Commission and the CSIRO were foremost in vital areas of research… One Nation opposes pseudo-science with funds only being granted for politically correct subjects.”
Evolution and climate change are apparently pseudo-science, people. Though being able to read a crystal ball is the party's idea of an education...

Image from the One Nation website.

 “The ideal age for apprenticeship is after third year at high school, at the age of 15-16 years, an age receptive to discipline and learning. The majority are now forced to stay another 2 years at school, at which time it is usually too late for them to successfully enter a trade, most are not suitable for an academic career, so we have this huge problem with youth unemployment. Nursing is a typical example, many girls who would have made excellent nurses, have been lost due to the disbandment of on the job apprenticeship training.”
Wow, Tony Abbott would be proud. Nowadays, those 15 year old girls are just getting TOO MUCH education! Get those nurses back into their stereotypical gender role, people!

EMPLOYMENT AND WORKPLACE RELATIONS

“Allowable matters as defined and listed in the Workplace Relation’s Act will be reviewed. Cultural leave and other discriminatory forms of leave will be withdrawn from ‘allowable matters’. Special allowances or preference based on race will not be tolerated and will be excluded from all contracts and agreements.”
Oh, I’m sorry, your cultural beliefs and practices have no currency here in workplace leave.
Queen’s Birthday? Christmas? HOL-I-DAYYY BITCHESSSSS!
 

 
Images from the One Nation website.
 
 
ENERGY AND MINING
“One Nation believes all mineral and energy resources belong to The Commonwealth of Australia (Australian people). This includes profits from sale of these resources. Resource rental fees will be levied on private developers, with forfeiture upon failure to develop them. All mineral and energy resources will be the property of The Commonwealth of Australia. Foreign investment in mining operations will be encouraged.”
You... you've just been ragging on the current government for giving away too much foreign investment in Australian industry. Now you're saying it will be encouraged.

“One Nation does not support wind turbines and would replace them with more appropriate and less intrusive forms of power supplementation.”Like White Power? *bada-tch!*

 "POLICY: ONE NATION WILL FURTHER INVESTIGATE CLEAN ENERGY ALTERNATIVES INCLUDING NUCLEAR POWER GENERATION"
News flash: Nuclear Power is NOT a clean energy alternative.

 
ENVIRONMENT
“Companies that are charged for carbon discharges will simply pass the charges onto the consumer leaving the consumer to bear the brunt of this cruel tax. This tax will do nothing to reduce carbon emissions.”
Victoria reported an 8.7% drop in emissions last year.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-10-18/emissions-drop-since-introduction-of-carbon-tax/4320956

In January 2013, lower emissions were again reported.
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/climate/emissions-drop-signals-fall-in-carbon-tax-take/story-e6frg6xf-1226559632995

The Climate Commission on April 29th 2013 announced that carbon emissions had dropped 4.7% over 2012 to the lowest levels in over a decade. Renewable energy has doubled.
http://www.news.com.au/national-news/carbon-tax-and-tight-consumers-help-lower-emissions-new-report-says/story-fncynjr2-1226631177867

“One Nation opposes the discharge of sewerage to bay and ocean outlets. We propose treatment and recycling of waste water wherever possible, and piping it inland for irrigation and improving flow of inland river systems. Further scientific research is required on this matter to eventually catch, treat and distribute treated water to improve the environment.”
One Nation doesn't even want our shit leaving our borders.

 “One Nation will withdraw from all treaties that threaten our land usage and environment.”
Yes, because that pesky Kyoto Protocol you wish to drop out of is such a threat to our environment.

Image from the One Nation website.
(PS. We don't have squirrels in Australia.
Who is your environment minister?)

“One Nation will implement the Coastal Protection Act nationwide, with buffer zones to protect the habitat and access to our beaches, coastline, bays and waterways, bringing the numerous and mostly ineffective organizations under one umbrella.”
As the second verse of the National Anthem proclaims: “We’ve boundless plains to share”. Reaching these plains via boat, however, is an entirely different story.


FAMILY AND COMMUNITY SERVICES

“We recognise the very significant distress suffered by families with children who have been traumatised through divorce.”
Oh, but the trauma caused by the Stolen Generations being forcefully removed from their families was ‘vastly exaggerated’, however…?
http://sa.onenation.com.au/
“Rudd's apology over the vastly exaggerated "Stolen Generation" leaves Australians at the mercy of compensation claims.”

“The rights of responsible organisations and clubs to exist for recreational activities, e.g. Social, horse and 4WD.”
I think this fairly reflects the hobbies and interests of the average One Nation supporter.

 
IMMIGRATION AND CUSTOMS
“One Nation believes in balanced, zero net immigration… The justification for our policy of not exceeding zero net immigration is that environmentally, Australia is near her carrying capacity.”
Consider this: Australia’s population is 22 million with 7,692,024 km² of land area.
The Philippines has a population of 95 million people living in 300,000 km². That is more than four times as many people living in an area smaller than 1/25th the size of our country. We are literally 100 times as ‘few’ in Australia as in the Philippines. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN AUSTRALIA IS NEAR HER CARRYING CAPACITY?!

Image from the One Nation website.
You know, the one that stands against dual citizenship.

This is the UK flag you realise, guys.

 
POLICY: ALL IMMIGRANTS ENTERING AUSTRALIA SHALL NOT HAVE AT THEIR DISPOSAL FREE OR SUBSIDISED LEGAL REPRESENTATION
One Nation proposes that Immigration will become the Department of Customs and Immigration; Responsible for the protection of our coastline from illegal invaders, goods (Drugs) and terrorists with control and monitoring of entry and leaving of people and goods, issue of passports, visas and other documentation. No dual citizenship, Australian citizenship to be mandatory after 5 years residency.”
I have my own personal qualms with notions of citizenship. You have very different qualms, and they are fucking stupid and demonstrative of a complete lack of passion for the majority of our international population, who live in vastly poorer, less educated and more hostile areas of the world.

“Foreign student migration is abused to the extent that it precludes Australians from entry to educational institutions. One Nation believes that due to most countries now having good education facilities it is no longer necessary for them to come here to study.”
You either have a very skewed definition of what qualifies as ‘most countries’ or ‘good education facilities’… or pretty much every other word in that paragraph.

 “POLICY: ONE NATION'S NEWLY FORMED DEPARTMENT OF CUSTOMS AND IMMIGRATION WILL INSPECT ALL GOODS ENTERING THROUGH CUSTOMS
… and would ensure all drug, illegal firearms, terrorists and dangerous goods entering Australia are detected and destroyed.”
Sorry, let me just read that last line again… nope, thought I’d read wrong there for a moment, but… nope. Ensure all terrorists entering Australia are detected and destroyed. Right.


LAW & JUSTICE
“Preferential Voting. Why should a No. 2 vote have as much power as a No. 1 vote? I believe it should have half the power, and political parties should not have the power to allocate preferences for voters, as is the case with voting above the line in the Senate. This is undemocratic Preferential voting and party politics is why we have so many idiots as Politicians.”
- John Slackson-Smith, previous One Nation leader
http://www.onenation.com.au/votingtrends.htm

If you feel that way, you are absolutely free to vote Below The Line and fill out your preferences individually. Anyone is free to vote below the line to allocate their own preferences if they do not agree with the parties’ preferential votes. Problem solved.

Also, 2013 party leader Jim Savage just commented on his QLD website on June 29th that supporters should “Vote 1 One Nation above the line on the senate ticket”, so we should assume that he is another idiot politician?

I can't believe I actually just asked that question.
 
 
“LIVING STANDARDS IN MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISONS TO BE REDUCED TO MATCH LIVING STANDARDS OF LOW INCOME AUSTRALIANS
One Nation believes that no prisoner detained in a maximum security facility has the right to privileges over and above law abiding low income Australians.”
I assume you will apply this policy to IMPROVING security facilities for asylum seekers to match living standards of low income Australians?

"Police Officers to have discretionary powers to remove unescorted, under aged children from the streets and return them to their homes or other suitable establishments.”
Wow, you… really did NOT get the Stolen Generation memo, did you.
 

PRIMARY INDUSTRY
“Under the Transaction Tax system tobacco and alcohol products would be extremely cheap with current excise taxes removed. A levee needs to be put in place on the manufacturer to keep retail prices up and thus make these products less attractive to young Australians.”
One Nation plans to remove an excise tax to implement their 1% Transactions Tax, and then will reintroduce the excIse tax again for tobacco and alcohol. Efficient legislating.

 
SENIORS AND RETIREMENT
South Australia - “One Nation proposes that all Australian's over 55 years of age are classed as Senior Citizens, and not thrown into a demeaning political category of aged etc., and covered under the ageing portfolio. Free Health and Medical care for all seniors after retirement age as currently legislated.”
NSW – “One Nation proposes all Australians over the age of 60 be classified as seniors.”
Uh, can you guys make sure your party policies are consistent?
Also, your taxing scheme is NOT going to be able to fund free health care for an Australian population where 25% will be of retirement age, the ones most dependent on health care for day to day living, and the number of people over retirement age will be on an ever-increasing trend upwards as demonstrated in population pyramids over the past century.


Image from the One Nation website.
Shit... that's your legitimate retirement plan, isn't it.


SUPERANNUATION AND FINANCE
Currently concessional contributions to superannuation are taxed at 15%.  Under One Nation’s proposed Transaction Tax of only 1%, contributions will be taxed at a lower rate.  This will result in people having a greater amount of superannuation savings in retirement.”
I have reread this proposal half a dozen times now, and my brain gets stupider each time.


TRADE AND TREATIES
“One Nation opposes ‘Globalism’.  It means Australians giving up their country for the profit of a few.”
Really? I thought it meant an ideology that individuals, goods and information should be able to cross between national borders without a fuss, allowing for a socio-economic system dedicated to free trade and free access to markets. Seeing as Australia is 0.1% of the global population, I fail to see how the 99.9% of people who aren’t Australian would be a ‘few’ who would profit from this system.

 Gif from the One Nation website.
 
 
TL:DNR?
In conclusion, research your minor party and Independent politicians’ policy platforms. Question. Probe. Double-check. Cross-reference. Hold the parties accountable. Politicians run our country and we elect them in trust to do it in the best interests of our nation. Make your vote count.
… also, bogans can be spectacularly stupid. Make fun of them so their ways and attitudes die out.

*Disclaimer: I’ve been Nib. This has been 6,000 words of hastily chopped, assorted and edited commentary from a media dropout who has absolutely zero qualifications to back up any of his comments or analyses. Ensure you make your own far more informed decision this 2013 Federal Election when voting for your party of choice.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

How To Not Get A Job At Google


The release of the film ‘The Internship’ has arrived on our screens recently, following the job interview process required to become a Google employee (I think? Haven’t actually seen it…)
I thought it would be a good time to attempt some of those so-called ‘brain teaser’ questions Google supposedly has all applicants go through during a job interview.

 I think I did pretty well…




1. How many golf balls can fit in a school bus?

As Australian schoolkids rely on public transportation buses, we will assume a ‘school bus’ is one of those big yellow ones seen in the USA. These school buses are usually 36 feet in length (national standards do not permit a school bus over 40 feet in length), 8 feet wide and under 11 feet in height (usually 10 feet) including tyres and rooftop escape hatches.

Stock image courtesy of US national Road Safety Organisation. 

Taking into account engine space and hull thickness, we will have an interior bus space that is about 34 long x 8 high x 7 feet wide (1,904 cubic feet). We must then deduct the amount of space taken up by seating to find the available area remaining; so 23 shared seats for passengers at 3 x 2 x 3 feet (414 cubic feet) plus the backseat at 7 x 2 x 3 (42 cubic feet) and a driver’s seat of 1.5 x 2 x 3 (9 cubic feet) leaves us with 1,439 cubic feet of available bus space. However, it wouldn’t be a school bus without being filled with students now, would it?

Due to rising levels of childhood obesity, with rates of overweight or obese children surpassing 1 in 4 White kids by 2010, the average size of an American schoolkid these days is about 115 pounds. Overweightness and obesity in Black children is even higher, at around 40% averaged between boys and girls, so we will presume an average weight of 120 pounds.
 (Hispanic children are also at similar levels of obesity to Black kids, but since when have you ever seen a Hispanic kid on a schoolbus?)


You know, apart from a residential address.

Water weighs 62 pounds per cubic foot, with a human body at roughly 63 pounds per cubic foot (sinking in water with empty lungs, before a build-up of bodily gases causes it to float to the surface) hence the average White schoolkid would take up approximately 1.8 cubic feet of space. Assuming 23 White American schoolkids in the seating area, one sitting up front annoying the bus driver, this would be around 41.5 cubic feet of pasty pudge. Adding an additional 4 Black children sitting at the back of the bus would consume a further 7.5 cubic feet of space. A 300lb Chris Farley bus driver a la Billy Madison, another 4.75 cubic feet would be taken up at the front. The amount of free space available inside your typical American school bus interior at full passenger capacity is thus around 1385.25 cubic feet.


A golf ball with standard diameter of 1.68 inches takes up almost exactly 2.5 cubic inches.
One cubic inch equals ~0.00058 of a cubic foot, thus a single golf ball takes up 0.00145 cubic feet. With 1385.25 cubic feet to spare on our school bus, one could therefore fit 955,344 golf balls in a school bus, or 955,372 if all the passengers had a golf ball stuffed in their mouths.

 
I surpassed my racist joke quota *minutes* ago.



2. How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?

Window washing is considered an unskilled profession, with no formal training mandatory, though rope training and working at heights training is part of job orientation. Thus, while regular building cleaners earn around $11.81 per hour, a unionised exterior window washer can earn over double that at $23.65 per hour due to added risk. Assuming that every window in Seattle requires an internal and external clean, every hour should be logically charged at a rate of $17.73, alternating between an exterior and interior window cleaning job.

Seattle has a population of 635,000. Assuming there are 4 people per household/apartment at an average of 15 windows, plus around one window per person in all the skyscrapers and places of business/education/recreation/dining in the city, Seattle assumedly has around 3 million windows to be cleaned. Professional window cleaners use half cold/half warm water with detergent to lather over a window to remove dirt and marks, followed by squeegeeing away suds, then wiping away excess drips with a cloth around the edges. This process takes about 30 seconds for a small window, with obviously more time required for a full glass pane wall in an office building; not to mention the time spent setting up any ladders, safety rigging or platforms and changing into your Spiderman outfit when washing the windows of children’s hospitals. 

With great power comes great glass visibility.
 
With a full interior and exterior clean of a window thus averaged out to around 3 minutes each, or 20 windows per hour, washing every window in Seattle would take 9 million minutes of labour, or 150,000 man hours, at a cost of $2,659,500. This is a far cheaper method of billing that the alternative payment plan of professional pricing per double-sided clean, at $3.75 for a small pane and $6 for large sliding doors. Assuming larger office windows would cost even more, the city would clock up a total bill of around $20 million going from this pricing method.

About 0.0006% of the Australian workforce were listed as window cleaners in the 2011 Australian census. Applying this ratio to the population of Seattle, we can assume about 380 window cleaners will be faced with the task. This amounts to 394 hours of employment for each cleaner for a complete city clean, or 49 working days each, assumedly carried out over 10 working weeks for an individual wage of $6,985. Assuming windows would be washed five times a year, with two weeks off for holidays, the task would provide a respectable $34,925 annual wage to the average Seattle window cleaner. Though, they would probably wash their own windows, so deduct 380 payments from that equation.


  On a related note, I hear that some homeless guy standing at
the CBD traffic lights of Seattle with a dirty old t-shirt in one hand
and a bucket of stale water in the other has got a multi-million-dollar
windscreen washing monopoly going on at the moment.


 3. Why are manhole covers round?

Our streets are bound by the rules of gravity. The best shape for a protective cover over a hole is a round one, as you exert the same amount of even force when lifting it upwards from whichever angle you approach from, and it can also then be placed down from any angle without having to twist your wrist or elbow to align it, thus risking an injury.

It's like trying to fit some kind of peg into some kind of hole!

Furthermore, a round cover cannot fall through the gap below even when tilted sideways, which could potentially occur with a square or otherly-shaped cover. A circular manhole also provides the same diameter of space for a human to enter and exit from at any angle, without any corners to bump or scrape against whilst climbing up and down.

Most importantly of all, however, is the fact that a circular pizza can be easily carried down a circular manhole to the sewers by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Square pizza boxes are a whole different question entirely.


4. How many piano tuners are there in the entire world?

Forte.




5. How many times a day do a clock’s hands overlap?

Sigh. There is a reason I dropped maths in high school, and it’s because of questions like this.
Brace yourself…

An irritating paradox occurs in the movement of clock hands, for as the second hand ‘ticks’ around a clock 60 times every minute in visually noticeable 6 degree intervals, it must therefore be presumed that a minute hand similarly ‘ticks’ 60 times across the 6 degree interval that it covers every minute, though the jerky ticking movement may not be as perceptible to human sight from notch to tiny notch. If 60 ‘arcminutes’ comprise 1 degree, a minute hand thus ‘ticks’ a distance of 10 arcminutes per second. (I will use the terms ‘arcminute’ and ‘arcsecond’ here so as to not confuse these units of angle measurement with the ‘second’ and ‘minute’ units of temporal measurement.)

An hour hand must thus ‘tick’ at an interval distance that is 60 times smaller than a minute hand; 3,600 times that of a second hand’s movements. After one hour (or 3,600 ‘ticks’) a second hand will have completed 21,600 degrees of rotation around a clock, a minute hand will have moved 360 degrees around, whilst an hour hand will have moved just 6 degrees to the 1 symbol (360 arcminutes, or 21,600 arcseconds). Each ‘tick’ of an hour hand is thus a tiny 6 arcsecond movement.

Why this pedantic analysis of arcminutes and arcseconds? Because keeping these miniscule movements in mind, a second hand will not land perfectly on top of a minute or hour hand if they have both shifted forward by the time the second hand has circled around the clock one rotation. An ‘overlap’ thus only really occurs ‘mid-tick’ as the second hand moves between one visual notch to the next; the minute and hour hands are often somewhere in between.
It's 720 minutes past two. Get it? Eh? GET IT?!

 
So, starting at midnight, we have the second hand, minute hand and hour hand perfectly aligned straight upwards. Let us allow 1 minute to pass. Many people assume that 60 seconds later, the second hand has completed one ‘overlap’ of the other hands. However, during those 60 ticks, the minute hand has moved forward 6 degrees to the first notch on the clock, and the hour hand has moved forward 6 tiny arcminutes from due north.
 
Google Images: providing you with 850,000 pictures of clocks
that are completely irrelevant to the time you wish to depict.
 
Hence, at 00:01:00am:
The second hand is at the 0 degree, 0 arcminute, 0 arcsecond mark.
The minute hand is at the 6 degree, 0 arcminute, 0 arcsecond mark.
The hour hand is at the 0 degree, 6 arcminute, 0 arcsecond mark.
The second hand has yet to overlap any of the other hands. Another second ticks past.
At 00:01:01am:
The second hand is now at the 6 degree, 0 arcminute, 0 arcsecond mark.
The minute hand is now at the 6 degree, 10 arcminutes, 0 arcsecond mark.
The hour hand is at the 0 degree, 6 arcminute, 6 arcsecond mark.

The second hand has landed PAST the hour hand, and the minute hand has shifted slightly forward of the 1 so that the second hand is still behind it by a distance of 10 arcminutes.
A second hand will take one entire rotation of a clock PLUS another 1.0167 seconds before it has actually ‘overlapped’ the minute hand ‘mid-tick’ between the 1 and 2 second mark.

Tick, tick, tick... coming up next on 60 Minutes...

The minute hand on a clock overlaps an hour hand 22 times each day between midnight and 11:59:59pm, before the 23rd overlap marks a new day beginning at midnight again. However, as these clock hands do not smoothly rotate around a clock like a swimming pool timer or a stopwatch, they TICK by jumping across notched intervals, I believe that a traditional clock *does not measure any interval of time shorter than one second*. With this in mind, moments of time on a clock are limited to single second increments. For example, it is said that the first ‘overlap’ moment for an hour and a minute hand occurs 1 hour, 5 minutes and 27.272727 seconds after midnight. The second hand would be ‘midtick’ at this moment, therefore I do not acknowledge this as a moment of time measurable on a standard clock. By comparison, at midnight or midday there is a distinct 0 degree, 0 arcminute, 0 arcsecond gap to be found between the hour, minute and second hand. For second hand and minute hand overlapping, this only happens every hour on the hour.

Let us see what happens 6 hours after midnight, as the second hand marks 6.00am:
The second hand is at the 0 degree, 0 arcminute, 0 arcsecond mark.
The minute hand is at the 0 degree, 0 arcminute, 0 arcsecond mark. PERFECT OVERLAP!
The hour hand is at the 180 degree, 0 arcminute, 0 arcsecond mark.
 30 seconds later from this point, at 6:00:30am:
The second hand is at the 180 degree, 0 arcminute, 0 arcsecond mark.
The minute hand is at the 3 degree, 0 arcminute, 0 arcsecond mark.
The hour hand is at the 180 degree, 3 arcminutes, 0 arcsecond mark. OVERLAP MISSED.

From this analysis, I suggest that from an inclusive period of midnight until 11:59:59pm that same day, the second hand lands perfectly overlapped on a minute hand at 24 hourly occasions, along with an hour hand overlap only twice.
You can shove daylight savings up your arse.


6. In a country in which people only want boys, every family continues to have children until they have a boy. If they have a girl, they have another child. If they have a boy, they stop. What is the proportion of boys to girls in the country?

To begin with, the ratio will be 1:1.

For firstborns, the chance of a boy is 50% (assuming hermaphrodites and sexually ambiguous genitalia are assigned a gender by systems of oppressive dichotomous social norms) so that the number of firstborns who are boys will be the same as the number of firstborn girls.
 For secondborns (not to be confused with temporal ‘seconds’ or angular ‘arcseconds’) the chance of a boy is, again, still 50%. However, there must have already been a girl firstborn in order to necessitate a secondborn child, so once more the boy/girl ratio is perpetuated at 50%. There is no chance of two boys ever being born to a family if they always stop after the first boy, so there will only ever be a 1:1 ratio of girls to boys. For every firstborn boy to no girls born, assumedly there will be neighbours with two girls born before a boy, in perfect 1:1 ratio across the country according to basic probability.

Just consider yourself lucky you aint in Game Of Thrones, kiddo.

For third-borns, the chance of a boy is 50% again. And again, there must have been two girls born already to necessitate a third born, and so on and so on…
This problem would have been figured out by China shortly after their one-child policy was introduced, which most probably implies that ‘having another child’ involves the removal of previous girls from the family via drowning, abandonment in the wild, or transnational exchange for livestock and grain.

A country that wants only boys (really WANTS only boys) will eventually end up with only boys once their maternal mothers have all died out. The country at this point will then be made up entirely of boys, as all the girls would have died out, creating a 0% procreation rate for the country, all those boys will eventually die out and the ratio of boys to girls within the country will go from 1:1 to 0:0.




7. Design an evacuation plan for San Francisco.

This depends on what state of emergency is being called here. An earthquake, for example, would jeopardise the Golden Gate Bridge as an escape alternative, if thousands of cars were to suddenly plunge into the sea as the bridge collapsed. However, a nerve gas released in the epicentre of the city would not rule out this as part of the escape routes.


Has a swarm of Africanised Bees landed in Beuna Vista park? 
Is there a terrorist bombing of one of the many international consulates in San Fran?
Was someone smoking in the mayor’s toilet and accidentally set off the town fire alarm? Some specifics here would be nice.

If a tidal wave is sweeping in over the area from the west, obviously the evacuation plan would involve different population movements than if nuclear material was spilled along the Dwight D. Eisenhower Highway.

Design an evacuation plan for San Francisco? How about, if X is the location that will be affected by threat Y, evacuate citizens in an orderly radius away from this area according to what the limitations of roads out of the city will allow, to get people away from said threat to safety. Everyone meet up at Sacramento for a head count and roll call. How’s that for your damned evacuation plan.

Stay calm
and
GIT TO DA CHOPPA!!!


 8. A man pushed his car to a hotel and lost his fortune. What happened?

What the fuck do you think happened, he just pushed his car down the driveway into a freaking hotel!

Navigating the pool whilst maintaining speed
was *quite* the sight, let me tell you...

As he is a man with a fortune, one can assume that the hotel he was attending was a really posh place with expensive furnishings. A lot of structural damage was inevitably caused as his car rolled through the entrance, perhaps even taking out a few casualties. There would have been security cameras everywhere capturing the moment when some pompous rich guy pushed his Rolls Royce into a hotel, causing tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of damage and bodily harm to innocent bystanders. His actions would have been seen as negligent and/or malicious destruction of property, hence his insurance agency would not pay out for anything and he would have been arrested.

Such a bizarre occurrence would have garnered lots of media attention and his implied high standing in society would have been jeopardised in the public eye, causing his stock investors  to lose faith in his character and business. Company shares would plummet. Legal fees would then drain the rest of his money as he fought the case, causing several other discrepancies to surface into the public eye as people appeared out of the woodwork to sell the media their stories and cash in on the hype. Eventually the man would be bankrupt and have to sell everything he owned, leaving him with nothing.

You know, that or NERRRRRRR PLAYING MONOPOLY this riddle was old in primary school.



9. Add any standard arithmetic signs to this equation to make it true: 3 1 3 6 = 8

3! + 1/3(6) = 8

… what do you mean a ! isn’t a standard arithmetic sign? Fine.

3 – 1 + (√36) = 8

... oh, so now √ is getting too fancy? Well, how about a little alphabetical arithmetic, then?

 T H R E E     O N E     T H R E E     S I X     =     E I G H T
 20 8 18 5 5    15 14 5   20 8 18 5 5   19 9 24   =    5 9 7 8 20

20 8 18 5 5 15 14 5 20 8 18 5 5 19 9 24 = 5 9 7 8 20

20 {[(8 + 18 – 5 – 5 – 15) + (14 x 5)] x [20 x (8 + 18)] + 5 – (5 x 19) - (9 x 24º)]} = 597,820

= 20 {[1 + 70] x [20(26)] + 5 - (95) – (9)]}

= 20 (71) x [(520) + 5 – 95 – 9]
= 20 (71) x (421)

= 597,820

Or a plain old boring (3 + 1) ÷ (3/6) = 8 will do the trick.
NEXT!


 10. You have eight identical balls all of the same size. One ball weighs heavier than the others. How can you find the heavy ball using a balance and only 2 weighings?

Psht, really? I remember doing this in primary school, too.

Place 3 balls on one side of the balance, place 3 balls on the other. If the balance is even, you then weigh the 2 leftover balls on the scale to see which one is the heavy ball.

I am strangely hungry all of a sudden.
 
If the balance tilts down to one side to begin with, you know one of those three balls is the heavy one. Weigh two of those balls from the heavy side against each other for your second weighing. The balance will either tilt again, showing you the heavy ball, or it will remain balanced, ergo the last remaining ball from that group must be the heavy one.

Either that, or go to stack 4 balls on either side of the balance, one by one. At one point in this process, you will notice an imbalance occur after an even stacking, and it will technically count as only one weighing having taken place to identify the heavy ball.



11. You are shrunk to the height of a nickel and your mass is proportionally reduced so as to maintain your original density. You are then dropped into an empty glass blender. The blades will be switched on in 60 seconds. What do you do to survive?

 
I doubt I would survive long enough to escape. If my mass is proportionally reduced, I assume there will be all kinds of sudden issues regarding sensory ability and brain function, blood pressure, organ behaviour, rapid warmth issues from the sudden dramatic shift in surface area, basic respiration complications, and other problems that I won’t even begin to delve into now.


Rick Moranis: renowned for his inept shrinkage.

 
Being shrunk down to half of one’s usual height reduces one’s bodily mass by significantly more than half, much like how a 6 foot cube is 216 cubic feet in volume with 216 square feet of surface area, but reducing this to a 3 foot cube results in only 27 cubic feet of volume and 54 square feet of surface area. A nickel being scaled up to the weight of a 78kg human would only be 33cm in diameter, as metal is more dense than a human is. If we simplify the human body into a cylindrical shape for calculation’s sake, a human who stands 178.16cm tall has the equivalent height of 84 nickels, thus an 84:1 scaling ratio. A nickel coin expanded to our height would be 16.38cm thick, with the nickel/copper alloy weighing about 3.65 tonnes.
One cent is a nickel, right?
God damn these imperial measurements...

 As aforementioned in the school bus question, the human body is roughly the same density as water, with a weight of 1g per cubic cm. If our person weighs 75kg, this gives them 75,000 cubic cm of volume. The volume of a cylinder is calculated as height x πr², thus our 178.16cm tall human must have a round diameter of 23.16cm.

Shrinking this human cylinder down to 1/84th of original size involves a little bit of magic from Galileo, thanks to his observations on biological sizes and weight ratios, so we can calculate that this process would reduce a human to 127mg. By comparison, a grasshopper weighs about 300mg. It would not be an unrealistic scenario that one would be able to scale the side of the empty blender, perhaps by running in a circular upward motion like a motorcycle in a thunderdome, with the accumulated centrifugal force allowing one to scale upwards and out over the lip without too much difficulty within 60 seconds.
Wait, do we get a mini motorcycle too?


 12. You're the captain of a pirate ship. You and your crew get to vote on how the gold is divided up. If fewer than half of the pirates agree with you, you die. How do you recommend apportioning the gold in such a way that you get a good share of the booty, but still survive?
 
Of *COURSE* I could source a pirate at Occupy Wall Street.
 
I would initially keep 50% of the gold for myself, then divide the remaining gold into exponentially decaying increments around the remaining crew whilst claiming a ‘trickle down’ effect. By circulating investment exchanges only with the wealthiest of select individuals, this would thus perpetuate a cycle of income among the fiscal elite on deck.
 Any individuals supporting an equal dispersal of the gold would be labelled a communist and made to walk the plank as a public example to other dissenters.

Although the majority of the crew will be impoverished, I would offer them extra gold upon request if they paid it back in regular instalments with interest. After an initial boost in assets, these dubloon-pinchers will soon be struggling to pay back with gold that does not exist within their combined financial strata, resulting in an inevitable debt cycle to the empowered rich. Eventually, the majority will be unable to cover basic scurvy costs and everyday buccaneer essentials, let alone fund additional resources required to successfully revolt against this system and be dependent on gold investments from the elite for survival.

I would put off allowing them to vote for as long as possible, and even after that time arrived, this way of apportioning gold will be so ingrained into the crew hierarchy that it wouldn’t make any difference what alternate system was proposed.

(Source: United States of America.)


13. You have two identical eggs and a 100-storey building. The eggs may break from a 1 storey height or a 100-storey height or any number in between, assuming they survive every fall that they can safely over and over again. You must find the safest height at which an egg can be dropped and not break, using the least amount of attempts. You may break both eggs to find your answer.

2 eggs.
Was this image necessary?
 
If we start by dropping an egg from the 50th floor and it breaks, we know the height must be below 50 storeys, and we would then need to go all the way down to the first storey with our second egg and go up the levels one-by-one until we found the answer. At best, the egg would break at the first storey and we would know after two attempts that the answer is 0 storeys. However, at worst, the egg would survive being dropped from storey 1 all the way up to storey 49. This would be 50 attempts before we found our answer.

If we dropped the first egg at level 50 and it survived, then at level 100 and it broke, then again we would need to drop our second egg from level 51 all the way up to 99 until we found our answer, potentially taking up to 50 attempts again to find the answer.
 It thus makes sense that we find the highest increment for our first drop such that the number of attempts with the second egg after this would be the least amount of ‘catching up’ attempts required to be certain of the level in between our ‘jumping up’ increments.

For example, if our first egg survives level 10, then level 20, then level 30, then level 40, then level 50, then level 60, then level 70, then cracks at level 80, we would only have to test levels 71-79 with our second egg for, at most, 17 attempts to be certain of our answer. (A vast improvement compared with the 50 attempts required using our initial method.) The worst case scenario should be accounted for in every method chosen, to find the smallest maximum number of attempts required for each method.

Every 10th storey
Egg 1: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, *100 breaks*
Egg 2: 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, *99 breaks*
ATTEMPTS: 19

Every 9th storey
Egg 1: 9, 18, 27, 36, 45, 54, 63, 72, 81, 90, *99 breaks*
Egg 2: 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, *98 breaks*
ATTEMPTS: 19

An interesting observation is that even though we have just moved the ‘jumping’ increment down from 10 to 9, we still need 19 attempts to find the answer in worst case scenario. Because we are dealing with a 100 storey building, it is probably best to work with factors of 100.

Every 5th storey
Egg 1: 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 80, 85, 90, 95, *100 breaks*
Egg 2: 96, 97, 98, *99 breaks*
ATTEMPTS: 23

Every 20th storey
Egg 1: 20, 40, 60, 80, *100 breaks*
Egg 2: 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, *99 breaks*
ATTEMPTS: 24

Hmm, no, that didn’t improve things either, we either lost too many attempts with a small first egg jumping increment or catching up the large gap with our second egg after testing a large first egg jumping increment. What would happen if we were to vary the number of storeys we ascend each time, so that we still land on storey 100 at the end for maximum numeric efficiency? Logically, a transcending series of numbers that adds up to 100 would be the most effective method of minimising the amount of attempts in a worst case scenario. Our best count so far has been 19, so let’s start at 18 and deduct an increment each time we go up. This way, we maximise 18 as the most amount of attempts that will be used up by our second egg in a worst case scenario.

18 + (n-1) increments:
Egg 1: 18 (+17) 35 (+16) 51 (+15) 66 (+14) 80 (+13) 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99 *100 breaks*
ATTEMPTS: 13

In this scenario, we required only 13 attempts and one egg to find our answer.
What would happen in worst case scenario that our first egg broke first go?

18 + (n-1) increments:
Egg 1: *18 breaks*
Egg 2: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, *17 breaks*
ATTEMPTS: 18

At worst case scenario, we have still improved our attempt count to 18. However, our first egg is left with a large number of individual catch-up levels to manage in the final stretch. By starting with a lower number, can we manage to fill that gap more effectively?
Let’s start with 1 and tally upwards until our increments hit 100 storeys, that sounds sensible:
1 + 2 (3) + 3 (6) + 4 (10) + 5 (15) + 6 (21) + 7 (28) + 8 (36) + 9 (45) + 10 (55) + 11 (66) + 12 (78) + 13 (91) 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, *100 breaks*.
ATTEMPTS: 22, if we start with 13 storeys. Let’s try 14 then:

14 (+13) 27 (+12) 39 (+11) 50 (+10) 60 (+9) 69 (+8) 77 (+7) 84 (+6) 90 (+5) 95 (+4) 99, *100 breaks*.
ATTEMPTS: 12

Huzzah! By starting with our first egg from 14 storeys, the maximum number of attempts we would need to make in a worst case scenario of breakage would be 14 attempts:

14 + (n-1) increments:
Egg 1: *14 breaks*
Egg 2: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, *13 breaks*
ATTEMPTS: 14.

If our first egg breaks anywhere from 14-100, it will only ever take 14 attempts to catch up from the previous storey, as we have methodically reduced the increment each time by one in order to counter the previous number of attempts lost. We are left with only one extra attempt needed at the end to reach storey 100 if needed rather than our previous string of turns.

14 + (n-1) increments:
Egg 1: 14, 27, 39, 50, 60, 69, 77, 84, 90, 95, *99 breaks*
Egg 2: 96, 97, *98 breaks*
ATTEMPTS: 14.

The answer is therefore 14 storeys to begin with, then one storey less than this each time up until the 99th storey, when there will be either one more storey to attempt with the first egg or three more storeys to attempt with the second egg to be certain of our answer. 

For science!


14. Imagine you have a closet full of shirts. It’s very hard to find a shirt. What can you do to organise your shirts for easy retrieval?

If my closet is full of shirts and it is very hard to find a shirt, I would first suggest switching on my bedroom light. Hey presto! Shirts found!

After that, I would pull them all out and scatter them all over my bedroom floor so they are now both visible and accessible when needed.

 (Source: My bedroom.)


15. Using only a four-minute hourglass and a seven-minute hourglass, measure exactly nine minutes without the process taking longer than nine minutes.

Turn both hourglasses over.

 
Next up: paint drying on growing grass!

After 4 minutes, the small one will be empty and the big one will have 3 minutes of grain remaining at the top. Flip them both over again.

After 3 more minutes (7 minute mark), the small hourglass will have 1 minute remaining and the big hourglass will be empty. Flip them both over again.

After 1 more minute (8 minute mark), the small hourglass will be empty and the big hourglass will have 1 minute of sand at the bottom and 6 minutes remaining up top. Flip the big hourglass.

After 1 more minute (9 minute mark), the big hourglass will be empty again.

Of course, we could always assume that the 4 minute hourglass is 36.36cm in height and the 7 minute hourglass is 63.63cm in height; so by stacking one atop the other with the sand at the bottom and dangling them from a hook off the ceiling, we would create a 1m pendulum with a 2 second period rate, with the shifting of the sand along with gravity as each swing reached the extent of its arc causing a perpetual movement backwards and forwards until 270 swings had been counted.


16. You're in a car with a helium balloon on a string that is tied to the floor. The windows are closed. When you step on the gas pedal, what happens to the balloon - does it move forward, move backward, or stay put?

That depends. If the car is in Drive, the car will move forward and the backward movement of the dense air will push the lighter helium balloon forward.

If the car is in Reverse when you step on the gas pedal, the car will move backwards and the movement of dense air forwards will push the helium balloon backwards also.

If you are not in gear, or step on the gas pedal really hard and do a sick burnout, the balloon will stay put.
I believe this experiment will be tested out in Fast & Furious 8.

Thank you for your time, I anticipate my job offer in the mail by the end of the hour.
I am available to start working on Monday.

Yours drolly and trolly,

Nib Oswald