Oh, boy, what a year it has been. Why, it feels like barely days ago that New Year's fireworks were christening the skies with optimistic splashes of colour, noise and chemical fragrances and resolutions were being extemporised by humanity in communal inebriation.
But now that the dust has settled on another year, let's take the time now to look back at and reflect upon the highs, the lows, the twists and turns of the Top 10 Moments of 2014: The Year That Was (so far).
#10. LATVIA JOINS THE EUROPEAN UNION, SWAPS LATS FOR EURO
Tsk, what happened to you, Latvia?
You used to be all about the mires, cabbage-stuffed salmon and
Baltic ennui. You've chaaaaanged, man.
#9. THE PHRASE 'POLAR VORTEX' ENTERS EVERYONE'S VOCABULARY
Basically an extension to the rule of the Coriolis effect, in which
everyone's toilet in the Northern Hemisphere get frozen over with
ice and can't swirl in any direction.
#8. PAKISTANI STUDENT AITZAZ HASAN STOPS SUICIDE BOMBER
Selflessly sacrificing his own life to stop a suicide bomber
from entering his school, teenager Aitzaz Hasan tragically
reminded us all that those of the next generation who say
"YOLO" the least deserve the sentiment the most.
#7. CHINA EASES OFF ONE-CHILD POLICY
Mass panic ensued as the government announced that
"every family in China can now go nuclear."
#6. JUSTIN BIEBER: RETIRED
"He is retard? Is very nice you allow him eat at table."
-Borat
#5. EVERYONE NOW KINDA "MEH" OVER THE WHOLE NSA THING
Considering the amount of shit we let a phone app get away with
in accessing our personal information, this aint really a biggie.
#4. DOGECOIN SURPASSES BITCOIN; SPONSORS JAMAICAN BOBSLED TEAM
Such internet.
#3. GOLDEN GLOBES AWARDS NIGHT WAS PRETTY GOOD I SUPPOSE
Idris Elba failed to win in either of his nominated categories for
Best Actor in a Motion Picture, or Best Actor in a Miniseries/TV movie?
SCANDAL.
#2. PUTIN BANS GAY PROPAGANDA FROM SOCHI WINTER OLYMPICS
Boycott? As in boy cot? Aha! More gay propaganda aimed at our children!
Why can't you just let all the muscly guys in spandex lie on top of each other
as they ride a phallic sled downhill without all this gayness interfering?
#1 PROTESTERS IN KIEV PROTEST UKRAINE'S NEW ANTI-PROTEST LAW
That's gotta be, like, entrapment or something, right?
