Last week marked The 63rd Miss Universe Pageant, an
annual showcase of the most stunning beauty on the planet which billionaire
Donald Trump requires to harness and use in regenerating the carcinogenic cell
tissue that putrefies beneath his ghastly wig.
You're fired.
Every year, the Parade of Nations segment displays an array of iconic national symbolism from each country’s representative, in the form of a horrendously ghastly fashion calamity. Australia has certainly not shied away from serving numerous offenses to the palate of visual aesthetic over the years with our efforts in national costume design. We pay tribute to these abominations below:
2004 –
Jennifer Hawkins
DESIGNER
VISION:
"The
traditional frock is a vintage dress line I did when I was in college and
depicts the Harbour and foreshores from an aerial view."- Paris Dwyer
I’ll stick to Google Maps, thanks.
2005 –
Michelle Guy
DESIGNER VISION:
I have scoured dozens of articles online trying to source the designer of this monstrosity.
All I could find was:
“Exactly
who was responsible for the ‘national costume’ worn by Perth teenager Michelle
Guy during the Miss Universe competition? It seems no-one is owning-up as the
creative genius behind the feathery, gum-nutted floral extravaganza, complete
with Crocodile Dundee top hat, which has been derided by fashion critics back
home...”
- Sydney Morning Herald, May 31st 2005
WHAT
IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE
You know a design is bad when the creator remains anonymous.
Let’s put Nan’s tablecloth back in the cupboard, hang the floral
wreath back up on the dunny wall and never speak of that blasphemous headwear
ever again under the sanctity of all that is humanly decent.
2006 –
Erin McNaught
DESIGNER
VISION:
Tsk tsk, another cowardly designer laying low from the
public backlash of committing the fabric equivalent of a war crime by not
attaching their name to their patriotic aberration.(Utterly understandable.)
WHAT
IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A slutty Halloween costume of Rescue Rangers: Down Under.
2007 –
Kimberley Busteed
“It wasn't up to designers to choose. We just got told what to wear. I thought it showed off Australia well and me as well. It presented the girl that I am."
- Kimberley Busteed
WHAT
IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A Little Nippers advertisement in the local newspaper. Pigtails
and pink sandals? Come on, guys, this is a MISS UNIVERSE pageant broadcast to over a
billion people around the world.
2008 –
Laura Dundovic
“Rather than drawing inspiration from Australian characters, such as surfers and shearers, I want to express the natural elements of the country - the colour and shape to create a beautiful sweeping gown that will comment on the sea, sand and desert.”
- Jayson Brundson
WHAT
IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A jellyfish was put through an inkjet printer during a cyan test
print.
2009 –
Rachael Finch
- Ruth Tarvydas
WHAT
IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A surgical instructional video on vajazzling.
2010 –
Jesinta Campbell
Not even kidding, the designer of this dress tried funding their effort with a $3,000 Pozible kickstarter. It fell short of target after raising only $500 in pledges.
“[The costume] will ooze our rich, unique landscapes by contrasting textures and fabrics. I hope to use elements that are iconic to Australia and want to show our indigenous heritage through colour and mix media.”
- Natasha Dwyer
WHAT
IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A How To Train Your Dragon character fell into a pile of
Vegemite labels on their way to Starbucks.
2011
- Scherri-Lee Biggs
“The costume was inspired by Australia's breathtaking landscapes. It represents the whole country from coast to the centre… with a vivid gold belt buckle to represent our booming mining industry.”
- Kooey designer Nikki Silverthorne
WHAT
IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A Despicable Me minion
vomiting mulled berry punch everywhere.
2012 - Renae Ayris
“I want the design to represent everything golden, prosperous and lucky about Australia… to be really fresh and bright and also represent the sunsets of Australia. It is inspired by the sails of the Sydney Opera House.”
- Jessica Bregenhoj
WHAT IT ACTUALLY
LOOKS LIKE:
A Greek goddess from one of those ‘guilty pleasure’ cream cheese commercials marketed to young suburban stay-at-home mothers.
A Greek goddess from one of those ‘guilty pleasure’ cream cheese commercials marketed to young suburban stay-at-home mothers.
2013 –
Olivia Wells
"I wanted to show the curves of the female form, whilst combining elements of Australian beaches (the cascade of sparkling jewels). The sexy silhouette reflects our weather and beach culture. The ostrich feather reflects Australia's unique fauna… I grew up by the sand and water, and had seen a documentary on the Great Barrier Reef's ecosystems.”
- Jason Chetcuti
A toilet brush after being dipped into a cistern full of Duck brand bowl-rim disinfectant.
“My costume is inspired by the Dreamtime [with permission from the Wurundgeri tribe]. This gown represents the oldest, ancient, island continent on earth; rich in minerals; surrounded by the azure blue Pacific, Indian and Southern oceans; and embraced by brilliant sunsets.”
- Caitlin Holstock
COSTUME
IDEAS FOR MISS UNIVERSE AUSTRALIA 2015:
- Craft a giant cubic foam lamington costume
- I’m A Barbie Girl (including shrimp headdress
chucked on top)
- Staple Yahoo Serious to the pageant
contestant
