Saturday, February 21, 2015

8 Hot Tips On How To Woo Taylor Swift


Taylor Swift, with her golden honey locks, adorable anime chipmunk chin and carefree demeanour (yet rocking a fierce eyeliner gaze that can punctuate coquettish flair from 100 yards) is a world-renowned pop star who seems forever cursed with a perpetual string of relationship failures.

Despite dating several hotshot celebrity names, our beloved starlet never seems to settle for longer than a few months before spreading her wings to seek greener pastures and catchier melodies about aforementioned breakup subject matter.

However, by analysing the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s numerous romance songs, Average Joes just like YOU will be able to garner some insight into the mind of the most eligible bachelorette on the planet and use this information to court her more effectively into a stable long-term relationship.

Behold: 8 juicy strategies on how to win over Taylor Swift, based on subliminal hints she has scattered throughout her albumography.

Taylor Swift is rather fond of the proverbial windows to the soul, with frequent mentions of eyes found throughout her song lyrics. Although blue and brown eye colours have caught her fancy, it is evident that green eyes are her clear favourite, so ensure you flash her those emerald gems whenever possible, Potter.
By synchronising your blinking patterns with hers, you will also maximise the amount of time you spend together with uninterrupted eye contact.

Get me with those green eyes, baby
- Sparks Fly

Didn't you flash your green eyes at me?
- Wonderland

Green eyes and freckles and your smile
- Everything Has Changed

Cory's eyes are like a jungle [Jungles are green! –Ed.]
- Stay Beautiful

Something in his deep brown eyes
- Superman

Blue eyes
- State of Grace

Your beautiful eyes stare right into my eyes
- Beautiful Eyes

Keep your eyes open
- Eyes Open

Your eyes still shined like pretty lights
- Mary’s Song (Oh My My My)

Your eyes light up when you smile
-  Invisible


Our dear Taytay is a bit of a night owl and apparently loves talking well into the early hours. Indulge her nocturnal tastes with arguments, feuds and embittered conversations which will inevitably lead to a furious cathartic purging of emotions via angry sex, prior to apologetic makeup sex directly afterwards.

2.00AM, who do you love?
- Enchanted

It's 2.00AM in my room
- I Wish You Would

2.00AM, riding in your truck
- Mary’s Song (Oh My My My)

It’'s 2:00AM and I'm cursin' your name
- The Way I Loved You

I remember that fight, 2.30AM
- Mine

4.00AM, the second day
- Come Back… Be Here

 Taylor Swift has dated the following J-name lads:
- Joe Jonas
- Jake Gyllenhaal
- John Mayer
This trend suggests a subliminal annoyance with anyone afflicted with a ‘juh’-sounding name, considering none of those relationships has worked out.
(The whole Triple-J debacle recently was additional salt in the J-shaped wound.)

Furthermore, her other ex-boyfriends include
- Taylor Lautner
- Connor Kennedy
- Harry Styles
- Zac Efron
Out of 76 letters in these names, note that the vowel ‘i’ does not appear once. By process of elimination we can therefore deduce that the letter ‘i’ is Taylor Swift’s Achilles Heel, for you to come along and dot with a loveheart.

We already know of Taylor’s affinity for ‘eyes’, so she will surely go for a name peppered with ‘i’s. 
Did you see what ‘I’ did there?
Aye, captain.

Sorry baldies, but TSwiz is totally enamoured by lush locks of keratin spilling out from one's scalp; praising the trait in several of her ballads. Hit up the Rogaine aisle quicksmart if you want to have any chance of winning over her heart by going to get your weave did.

You got that long hair, slicked back
- Style

I like the way your hair falls in your face

- Jump Then Fall

Run your hands through your hair

- Fearless

To the fella over there with the hella good hair

- Shake It Off

Taylor is such a hoot, you guys! Oh boy, does she crack the funnies. 
Show her how much you appreciate her comedic genius by giggling, cacking it, guffawing and chortling at all the right moments. You know, moments like that time she, uh… … ahhh…  just… … … haaa, just *sooooo many* whimsical moments, y’know.
That girl, I tell ya. What a wit.

Your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard 
- Jump Then Fall

I'm the one who makes you laugh

- You Belong With Me

You throw your head back laughing like a little kid

- Begin Again

I hear your laugh

- The Best Day

Our song is the way you laugh on the first date

- Our Song

I could go back to every laugh

- Come In With The Rain

 Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town 
- You Belong With Me

You're tied together with a smile

 - Tied Together With A Smile

You smile that beautiful smile

- Superstar

Calm my fears with a Cheshire Cat smile

- Wonderland

I love the gap between your teeth

 - Ours

It is a character trait of one TS that she believes in the more traditional gender norms of a relationship, and the stereotypical guy with a flashy car seems to toot her horn, crank her engine and… inject fuel lubricants… into her… carburettor? Look, I catch public transport, okay.

Ensure you wax up your hood, buffer your boot, polish your hubcaps and stock up that backseat with plenty of pine tree air refreshers for all of the vehicular action awaiting you when taking Tay out for a night to paint the town Red. (Red was the name of one of her albu- you know what, forget it.)

You come and pick me up, no headlights
- Style

Two headlights shine through the sleepless night

- Treacherous

Headlights pass the window pane
- I Wish You Would

He opens up my door and I get into his car

- The Way I Loved You

Drive out of the city, away from the crowds
- Wildest Dreams

Grab the keys and we drive and drive
- The Best Day

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car
- Our Song

You're in the car on the way to the movies
- Never Grow Up

So baby, drive slow
- Fearless

We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
- All Too Well

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street
- Red

Now it’s big black cars, and Riviera views
- The Lucky One

Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?
- Out Of The Woods

You never let me drive
- Picture To Burn

So I drive home alone
- Teardrops On My Guitar

Taylor takes particular pride in her refined vintage look, so make sure you notice when she rouges up her lips and dons the latest frock that will soon have her Instagram followers frothing at the credit card for purchase.

This commitment will inevitably result in many hours a week spent watching her try on different outfits, which means plenty of time watching her changing out of these outfits in between you humming “Yeah, that’s nice. Yeah, that looks good. Yeah, that works. Yeah, I liked the other one better…” before you can go out to the local cafĂ© for a morning coffee.

I hope you think ‘that little black dress’
- Tim McGraw

And that little black dress
- The Other Side Of The Door

You’ll pick out a white dress
- Love Story

The girl in the dress, cried the whole way home
- Dear John

Spinning like a girl in a brand new dress
- Holy Ground

With you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress

- Fearless

Standing there in my party dress
- The Moment I Knew

You'll remember me standing in a nice dress
- Wildest Dreams

You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore
- Clean

Red lips and rosy cheeks
- Wildest Dreams

I got that red lip classic thing that you like
- Style

In red lipstick with no one to impress
- The Moment I Knew

Let’s face it, Lorde has managed a longer-lasting monogamous relationship with Taylor Swift than any man has managed.
Ellas before fellas!
[Though we all know Beyoncé makes the greatest life partner of all time. OF ALL TIME.]

No comments: