Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Mac Law Rev 2015 Rap Roasts

 *All roasts were written at the approval of those who should have known better

Daphne’s short and a wog, I don’t know which to ridicule more
It’s been 2,000 years since Greeks cared for Political Law
Got a Cypriot nose, Cretean chin and Maltese eyes
Zucchini breath, olive oil skin, and feta cheese thighs
They say her carpet matches the drapes, they both look Persian
Get her drunk and she’ll re-enact her first fuck as a virgin
Daphne is so damn short, she longs to have a man touch her
Gosh, was Sasha Grey squashed in an industrial can crusher?

Your physique is godly, from Bacchanalian enjoyment
Behind the LUNA PARK sign, it’s KRAP ANUL employment
You should switch your job to a café as a waitress who waits
With that face, I doubt you’ll ever hear the breaking of plates
She gets no dates, and for prune lovers that’s just a mockery
Her poor Mama will spend the next decade dusting crockery
Can't keep a man, Daphne must be broken-hearted
Her Papa kicks them down her cooch, yelling “This is Sparta!”

You used to shoplift shit because you were too pov to buy it
Why even try, all those condoms now have long since expired
In school, you drew hearts on each and every Geo essay
Handing them to your teachers Mr Pim and Mr Estay
My god, the lengths this loser will go to just to get nailed
She flew to Perth to lose her virginity… and still failed
She joined “My Big Fat Greek Wrestling” on Grindr
The closest thing she’ll get to a wedding, men ran a train behind her

Can you please shut the boring mouth that you speak with?
Nobody wants to hear your crappy Daphne the Greek myth
Your phobia of rotten mould has gotten old
Have you forgotten? Your Yaya is a terracotta mold
This bitch needs tweezers for that Nick Giannopolous brow
You wake up looking like Effie from Acropolis Now
Daphne trims a goat beard in her pubes for a prettier puss
A pity it won’t stop the smell from your Shitty Anooss

This bonehead exudes an air of totally dumb slowness
Not even Google could name me a notable trombonist
Ed is awful at strings, has no rhythm as a percussionist
But has years and years of practice pumping his fist with puckered lips
He’s cool and suave? Ha ha ha. Nuh-uh, bruh
The theme tune for his penis is a “Wahhh-wahhh-waaahhhhh”
Look at his face, damn. Must be swollen from all the mace, man 
He’s one fake tan away from that orange fucker in Space Jam

How many cuffs to the head dislodged your brow forward?
We knew you’d perve on cast, so wrote lines to allow for it
He plays that brass soul like a pompous arsehole
Oswald is gonna shoot this loser from a grass knoll
Check out his girlfriend, the poor thing has been stuck with a dud
His eyebrow piercing’s the only time she’s fucked by a stud 
She must be the most experienced scream faker
She wakes up naked, sees you, and wishes she chose Team Jacob

Photos of you with your bae are a girl’s worst fears
You’re like Jesse James and Sandra Bullock: The Early Years
At a luncheon when on a date, you’re munching food off her plate
Even Pacquiao agrees this cunt is straight punching above his weight
They hide this gargoyle up the back of the bandstand
You should ask Maddy to donate her jawline for a transplant
Your hustle is skimpy, muscles are wimpy, plus you look gimpy
Feel the Os burrrrn, Edward, I’ma rustle your jimmies

I can’t believe I got a roast request from Emily Ward
This chick’s more rough around the edges than an emery board
Giving up shots would be your only shot to get into heaven
You’re like Amy Winehouse… except she lived to see 27
Every weekend promoting lingerie at Hellfire Club?
Not since Jared have we seen such perverted sex with a Sub
You were engaged at 15? I don’t mean to be indignant
But you’re not meant to shout “Prude!” when watching 16 And Pregnant

Protip: when you go out to hit the dance floor at The Ivy
Don’t literally hit the dance floor so hard that you need an IV 
This maniac’s insane, smacked her brain and left her back in pain
When she broke her spine falling from so high on crack cocaine
She’s always swirling higher than a kite when twirling fire
At night she masturbates with heat gel and a curling iron
You hit puberty and had all your body hair lasered off of you?
You’re hospitalised so often, they named Emily Ward after you

Eating you out is like kissing a leper’s pet cobra
She’s discovered the best hangover cure… never get sober 
Wearing knee-high boots in her kitchen whipping the cream
Got bored and left 50 Shades of Grey ripped at the seam
Is it crystal meth clear that this lewd bitch is a crude wretch?
Even Saed begged you to wear more clothes in the nude sketch
Your sexual partners need a hazmat suit for quim squirtin’
Your biopic will be directed by Courtney Love and Tim Burton

You’ve wrecked your nostril so bad it can now go down on a bloke
I can’t tell if your spine, your wallet or your dreams are more broke
Your bestie’s got lung cancer from all your secondhand smoke
Shit, Maddie’s veins are itching from all of the secondhand coke
Did your folks treat infant colic with alcoholic gin?
You look like somone robbed a bargain bin to cosplay Harley Quinn
I can’t believe you make a living as a children’s clown
You’d cause less trauma locking all the doors to burn the building down

How does the saying go? ‘Absinthe makes your heart grow sombre’
Coroner creeps wanting something kinkier ask for your number
A labyrinth of sores, your genitals have minotaurs
The inner walls are all torn raw, by 24 you’ll have hit menopause
Your sexual preference is “peg dykes and choke gay guys with piss”
You make sniffer dogs go “I’ll need a fucking pay rise for this...”
What have you become? It’s like in future we exhumed your mum
Healthy Harold’s heart breaks every time you spew more shrooms and cum

Gen’s slight, thin white with a 5”10’ height 
Enright dresses up for Halloween as a pen, right?
Why do you study Law to try and be a nerd of knowledge
When you’re a student from out bogan west at Cerdon College?
Your pregnant mother had a safety net for her cooter, yo
Because you were constantly slipping out of utero
Gen’s in the Thinness Book Of Records as starvation champ
Did you escape from an Olsen Twin concentration camp?

She needs photoshop to look like a big-boned stocky chick
You played Joe Hockey? You’re more like a hoe / hockey stick
You gave me onions every night to be chewed
Talk about typecast… you always get others to eat your food
Gen has a giraffe dad and a stick insect for a mother
You and Satya were a perfect 10… standing next to each other
One finger held your nipples in the nude skit, without any slipping
When dudes put the tip in you, it’s called skinny dipping

It’s like a can of silly string when she poops
She joined Emily’s troupe, using Fruit Loops as hula hoops
Genevieve will soon receive a shirt from Communitychannel
Just don’t spin with joy or you’ll weave yourself into the flannel
Most folks get upset when they get shirty
Gen just collects tee shirts no matter how tattered or dirty
She'd slip through a noose hung up from the gallows clean
But still gets hung up from a tree branch every Halloween

Finally, I can give it to Imogen without the lay-by
I’ve known her since she was yay high - she’s still yay high
Check that stumpy physique, her milkman must be a pygmy
You’re like Penrith… always at the side, wishing you were Sydney
Her crazy brilliance keeps fermenting into lazy stillness
She’s got the eyebrows of a Greek off-fleek Maisie Williams 
It looks like two caterpillars fucking whenever you frown
Sandy Hook was the second-worst school tragedy in Newtown

I’d bet you went down a slide as a child and the ride blocked
Took so many cocks to the head it’s now always side-cocked
It doesn’t count as studying a Bachelor of Psych
Having bachelors jump out of your window yelling “Psych!” 
Stop blaming your double chin on glandular fever
Guys wear abrasion-resistant gloves to handle her beaver
How loosely she’ll strut, talk smut and try seduce with her butt
I was 0% surprised you’re playing Lucy The Slut

She needs to calorie count all the semen in her stomach
Sneaks boys in her room because they won’t be seen with her in public
Phalluses stab her like several daggers into one scabbard
Even Wikipedia says “There were four members in Abba” 
At Forever 21, she berates and bemoans
How the name accurately refers to her weight measured in stones 
People describe your style as “Lamb Dressed Up As Mutton Chop”
You are what you eat… guess that explains your muffin top

So basic, you’d use vertical video shooting your porn
Plays trumpet because Imogen loves to toot her own horn 
Middle Child Syndrome worse than D.W. from Arthur
It’s awkward whenever you start off a prayer with “Our Father...”
For Happy New Year, Sydney chewed my ass, drunk on scotch
Honey Honey, later your face was buried into my crotch
Mama Mia, all this action with the Abbas, what is this?
I’ll inevitably have a threesome with the twins for Christmas

Jackie wanted a roast too, to feel part of the circle
Maybe work on your awful accent attempt at Angela Merkel
Aged 12, in a bathroom you first started pashing with men
Your relationship standards have only gone downward since then
You love Saint Petersburg like Princess Anastasia
But aint your mum from Asia? Stick to Memoirs of a Geisha
She only learns Law, because daddy says it earns more
To pay for surgery... your cheeks are like a hamster burns ward

This bitch is always so late, we wait an eternity
Putin saw her nose and fled town to avoid paternity
Plus you’re a coeliac; can’t even eat a freaking crouton
So spent your childhood eating glue instead of eating gluten
That’s why today she’s such an ignoramus, half brainless
Wait, how are you gluten intolerant when you’re half Danish?
Everyone’s concerned at the questionable dates you’re attracting
Your stupid Julie Bishop lines are the epitome of method acting

You and Alvin the Chipmunk would make an attractive pair
Though the Russian lover in you prefers a man like a massive bear
In bed she lays there flaccid, bare, with a spastic stare
This basic bitch is a walking advert for Activewear
You look like Renée Zellweger sucking a lemon
Sex tourism doesn’t usually involve fucking the Kremlin
You were named after Jackie O’Nassis… not ‘cause you’re that sweet
You always blow the head off the guy next to you in the backseat

Jessica wasn’t sure if she wanted a roast or not
Typical ________ number of ______________ is a lot 
You ____________________ voice of Todd Flanders
Then ______________________ as George Brandis
________ figurines _________ manga collection
Her natural habitat ___________ fantasy section
_____ facepaint _____________________ clearance?
_____________________ back home with your parents

Her kitchen sucks ____________________ soup aroma
____________ legal postal address _______ Supanova
All those _____________________ broken the walls
____________ marital aid _____________ Pokémon balls
She __________ wig glue ____________ curly extensions
Wearing ___________________________ furry conventions
_______ corset whalebone ___________ structural threading
_____________________________ Sheridan luxury bedding

As a child _________________ white gryphons
________ boyfriend ___________ height difference
______ costume _______ crossbow__________ wearable scabbard
____ Sister Mary Patrick__________________ terrible habit
What a fucking __________ lactation stains _______ gag reflex
This whorish _______ Chewbacca suit ______ shaggy sex
___ cuntface _____ lynches war vets ____ cordless ____ execution style
______ kitten limbs _____ and does it all with a smile!

Kleenex has made a fortune selling Maddie tissues
She’ll badly misuse aged care volunteer services for her daddy issues
Named her car Harvey, like it were alive with a dick
I don’t wanna know how you ever learnt to drive with a stick
Your mother was still teenaged when she was expectant?
You yell out “Ma’s on the teevees!” watching 16 And Pregnant
She studied Law whilst raising four kids with no father?
You’re just like your mum… lawyers get nowhere without a firm partner

No cough you’ve ever had could be described as ‘chesty’
You’re such a lazy fuck, your boyfriend of 5 years shagged your bestie
Your nickname is from your teddy bear, Jessica Robin?
Or from robbin’ stores for ecstasy popped in your dresser, sobbin’?
You still sleep with a stuffed toy, to salvage enough joy
To bear how each fuckboi shoots and leaves like some bok choi
Your pussy is infected with cobwebs of neglect now
You’re the only checkout chick that no guy ever checked out

Your life’s in shambles, it’s a bit of a gamble you can’t even handle
Your sister shaved her head for cancer and sells vegan candles?
She’s making television, making a living… she’s eleven
You’re in the shadow of a sibling who’s just four foot seven!
You chaperone Emily with ironic sobriety
All your dad’s chronic smoke has left you with chronic anxiety
Threw up violently, dressed as Hermione from Harry Potter
The local glory hole greets you weekly with “Welcome back, Cotter”

You may as well get neutered like your two cavoodles
Caricatures are the only time sketchy dudes should give you doodles
So cantankerous, we can tell to date her is horrid
NASA launched a rover to photograph that craterous forehead
Photoshopping each selfie won’t improve a thing, don’t endeavour to
You’re not bad at telling when guys are flirting… they just never do
You look like Madeline Zima got MPB from facelifts
Stumbling home drunk, you’d get friendzoned by a rapist

Oh, you want another mock rap? Girl, shut your cock trap
…and with a chin like that, you’d need a jockstrap
This bird is from the UK
She's the type to play croquet and pronounce 'bucket' as 'bouquet'
You talk like Keira Knightley with a speech impediment
And look like the botched result of a bleach experiment
So much eyeliner you’d think Hermione copped two shiners
Your eyes are blacker than your family of coal miners

You must have Annie and Oliver as an ancestor
Why do you date a stick like Sam if you love ManChest huh?
You two anthropomorphise Kermit and Miss Piggy
Do you have the proper permit to be this ditzy?
All that peroxide must have seeped into your dopey skull
Who glued Alfred Hitchcock’s nose on the face of Sophie Dahl?
So sad the Spice Girls kicked Pumpkin Spice out the spice team
Hey look, it’s Reese With 'er spoon and a tub of icecream

When she isn’t in the kitchen like a mothering cook
She challenges herself mentally with a colouring book
Beware her demon side, Madeleine will give you evil eye
If you so much as hint that her chin compares to Stephen Fry
Diplomatically answers haters with a regal response
You’re like the walking embodiment of Legally Blonde
We loved that couple costume where you wore nothing but leaves
How funny, you went with Sam dressed up as Adam and Steve

Manny piles every hummus tub into his cart at the deli
You’ve got the smug shit-eating grin of Martin Shkreli
An epidural must’ve given Adam Brody’s twin neural harm
The deformed foetus got dumped off at a Dural farm
He'll torrent porn because ladies find this fella abhorrent
It doesn’t help he has the face and arms of Mélanie Laurent
An annual tally of pussy you get amounts to a granule
Your sex drive is handled like driving a car… Emmanuel

American Psycho can’t do a manic grin like Manny can
We panic when he laughs, it’s like a Goosebumps DJs mannequin
A short fuse in the embers when you’re losing your temper
If they run out of tzatziki, you’ll start abusing your vendor
He’s such a shitty cook he’ll butcher a dinner disaster
There’s only so much feta you can add to vinegar pasta
Yells “Hold me back!” but nobody will when he faces blokes 
What should be held back are all of your dad’s racist jokes

Your heritage is from Greece, the mother country Hellene 
Your diet also was Grease, you found it Hell to be Lean
Manny was such a chubby baby, with a body so swollen
He was immune to SIDS because the fat fuck couldn’t stop rollin’ 
But now he’s all slimmed out and has begun to segue
Into a muscly frame, although he’s always skipping Leg Day
So single, Tinder chicks fear he’ll give their fingers malaria
Google ads won’t even bother… “New Pringles In Your Area”

Remember that one time you blazed up a doobie, yeah
To find that it was laced with all of your friends’ pubic hair
No wonder in bed you can’t ever score any
When you get to a girl’s bush, you’ll suddenly yell out “420!”
That micropenis makes you a perpetual bachelor, dude
Surgery failed, you stuck your dick *inside* the catheter tube
Now your fellow law buddy is someone you’ll be sharks with
How many firm heads did Sam have to blow to get you that clerkship?

Who is this arrogant twat? Was his selection an error?
Matt’s brother must have come along as his professional carer
You couldn’t find a dumber drummer than Blundell
Music and gym are like his women: cow belle or dumb belle
Law Rev is offbeat jokes, not for you to play offbeat 
The only future you have with drumsticks is at KFC
Your drooling is our spirit level, you’re such a mouth breather
I don’t mean to be short… but then again, you didn’t either

The stork dropped you to your mother’s arms and obviously missed her 
Wannabe Barrister, but works two jobs as a Barista?
He also works with men’s suits and at wedding receptions?
It doesn’t take a Psych degree to peg his sexual preference 
You haircut is short now, but once it starts to get hairy
Your style is inspired by There’s Something About Mary
Matt told me he’s a homophobe but loves Coke and Chocolate
Clearly that was a mistake, you love to choke on cock a lot

He oozes character like pigshit in a slop squalor
Pays top dollar for his shirts with the popped collar
Prowls the nightclubs each week looking for a thirsty whore
He's like a Hobbit that was born and raised in Jersey Shore
What a vile asshole, Matt is not a spunk to admire
Looks like Shia Laboeuf was laundered and got shrunk in the dryer
He can't reach a high five any time he jumps for joy
This Christmas he'll be dressed up as The Little Drummer Boy

Great, another fucking brown guy doing Law at Macquarie
He thinks he’s such hot shit - why, because you always eat curry?
You can’t be a barrister, man, your name would embarrass ya
Midylan Balachandran Q.C. sounds like a Star Wars character
How’d you get past our refugee embargo, bruh?
Midy came here as cargo and now works at Cargo Bar
He’s trying to shred, hits the gym to make those gains
But has an empty head, he’s got protein shake for brains

This douche thinks of himself as a pussy destroyer like Shiva
Got a thing for white chicks, what’s that called, Marshmallow Fever?
He’d rather get with Princess Peach than Princess Jasmine
Just looking at Top Deck chocolate brings him to orgasm
He loves them blonde women like Cindy Sherman
This Hindi jerk would put a bindi onto Bindi Irwin
He’d Save the Last Dance for a white bride to come
He’d burn his face with acid for a shot with Heidi Klum

That vanilla flavour, how he wants to cut a slice
Instead of Old Spice he sprays himself with Pumpkin Spice
Acts black, raps with snapback caps from his thug roots
Sets up traps on his lawn full of Starbucks and Ugg boots
Midy lagged behind every dance of the Law Rev show
Too busy checking out the chicks’ butts in the front row
Constant braggadocio swagger, it makes girls weary
He’s got all the allure of Raj from Big Bang Theory

This Sri Lankan wanker did musicals? No surprise
I’ve seen the photos of you in da club, pashing guys
Always stuffing turban fabric down your undies
Shot dead as a barrister would be a death as thug as Gandhi’s
He’s a goonacologist, a pro at the box wine
They’ll yell “Just do it, prick!” on the suicide hotline
Midy would reincarnate as an imitation pearl
The only chance he’ll ever get to be on a Caucasian girl

Saed’s as much a charm talker as the mould in his cumsock
He always cuts a red wire on his morning alarm clock
This guy looked like a Thunderbird when dancing on stage
Hey, who freed Borat’s retarded brother out of his cage?
Your poor father facepalmed once he saw what he had sired
The doctor held you up to name you and your mother just Sighed
God robbed you of smarts, and looks? He took those too
You studied Orthodox but still look like a hooked-nose Jew

You’re thin as a pole, did no-one stock halal at the snack bar?
Say grace before you swallow, holler “Allahu Ackbar!”
Saed’ll do the Harlem Sheikh and call “Salaam alaikum!” 
He keeps trying to radicalise, but Islam won’t take him
Just entering this country was a bit of a gamble
You’ve had so many cavity searches, they split the enamel
Got sand in your flannel pantaloons and grit in your sandal
Got circumcised so you don’t have to wipe the shit from a camel

You’re so pesty, Saed… go and drink some pesticide
Turn your back, Saed… we’d rather look at your backside
You eat hummus, Saed… and commit public homicide
You smell like a sewer, Saed… contemplate suicide
You could eat Vegemite pie and still be unAustralian
You goddamn Jordanian/Albanian/AfghanIranian
This loser first entered here through Border Force
Then used it as his pickup technique… Bored her, force

His bedroom is so empty it can’t even get ghost haunted
The FBI homepage is the only time this guy will feel Most Wanted
Women can’t bear to touch his face with even one finger
They’ll bin their phone rather than swipe left on his photo for Tinder
How’d you manage to score that hot vegetarian chick?
You turned her straight to meat, she fled for some Aryan dick
You look like a Yugo salesman with the tracksuits you wear 
Bin Laden’s inheritance had so many grandkids to share

What more can I say about this guy’s tanned figure?
I’d make a celeb joke, but can’t name a single famous sandnigger
With that facial hair you’d be more at home in Cuba 
Your sex life took a sudden plummet with the rise of Uber
Chicks sprint away halfway through you buying them a mint frappé
Dude, stop hitting on women at the Lindt Café
As President of the Comedy Soc, your funny’s dried up
You got fried, there’s egg all over your face… Sunni Saed up

Sam is so white that this camera flash made his skin start peeling
I can't tell his pale face from the bright lights in the ceiling
Hitting up the library cuz he Straight Outta Austen
He must be Sam Thor... cuz it looks like Sam Thor's ten
I should report Maddy because you're underage
Either that, or she has a secret fetish for Ellen Page
Deficient in iron, vitamins, calcium and potassium
Sam's the understudy stunt double for Tommen Baratheon
His wrists are covered in scars that spell out the word EMO
I never knew that chick from The Fault In Our Stars survived chemo
I'd like to roast him more but his life is such misery
He's constantly spitroasted already like a pig at a rotisserie

The ultrasound technician said “You should abort this plan;
Check his organs, ma’am, Sam Thorsten anagrams as Shortest Man.”
You’ve barely descended one teste, please
What kind of parents name their kid with initials that spell out STDS?
I guess it runs in the family, you’re all prob’ly thick
I mean, your uncle is a Spoonerism for Nobbie Dick
You cop more abuse than Dobby with that purrty mouth, boy
Like Draco Malfoy stuck a fleshlight into an Alf toy

Sam looks like a Muppet fashioned from a cumsock puppet
When his father pumps a fist straight up it like a piston poppet
Stuck in the Venn Diagram of backne, anaemia
Hypoglycaemia, leukaemia and teen girl bulimia
You twig, you should be fully bulkin’ instead of sorely sulkin’
Your only protein’s from mouth open like Macaulay Culkin
What is your ancestry, Albino Irish?
You’re 2 topknots and 4 black cocks inside ya away from Miley Cyrus

I bring the gangsta beef, you rap like a lady’s queef
Maddy’s sick of getting her pubes snagged up in your baby teeth
Your bae is nagging that your shagging always leaves her gagging
You picked a Pom because you thought she’d really like teabagging
I can’t imagine how it makes your bird feel
When she hangs with you and Manny and always ends up third wheel
I hear you’re trypophobic; afraid of tiny holes
That’s why you’ll only fuck the gaping cuntflaps of a slimy moll

Sam loves eggs, bacon and grits more than South Carolina
His juicy lips are blood red cuz his mouth is a vagina
He wants a job in business as some income taxman creditor 
For now, he’s just employed as jailbait on To Catch A Predator 
His knees are knobby, his nose is snobby, his name is Dobbie
When she’s out of toothpicks, Maddy will just give Sam a gobby
Psycho, I’m liable to go Michael, take your pick:
Cera… Cera… Cera… fuck this prick

Now I’m sari… like your wardrobe of culturally racial clothes
But you must have a separate birth certificate for your facial growth
Satya looks like Lebron James mated with Ice Cube
Check his cousins; he’s the only family member with nice boobs
Satyajeet is the kind of name for a taxi driver
A tech support operator, or a Black Sea Tiger
His biceps are huge, you’ll always find his arms full of cake
And the rest of the time he spends alone, charming the snake

The techniques that he uses to try and get chicks is silly
Not even Indian girls will fall for “Netflix and chilli”
He’s less than single, like a snick that clips the wicket
Satya’s never bowled a maiden over… in life, or cricket
Such a lack of girls, you’d think that he bats for the changed side
His folks began a Kickstarter to raise dowry for an arranged bride
This dumb guy repels chicks like a Slumdog cum pie
Birthing this fugly motherfucker even turned his Mum-bai

Satya is civil, he's hardly your typical darkie          
Well-dressed, eloquent, member of the Liberal Party
Has a wardrobe full of Versace and Nazi cufflinks
A Gadaffi hat and can’t ever seem to wear enough Lynx
Enunciates the Queen’s English like a damn Tudor
But when he’s nude, appears to look more like the man Buddha
Pity the magic carpet ride he offers a co-ed he likes
She’ll end up wishing she instead slept on a bed of spikes

This chick’s a battleaxe, I bet she packs a purse hatchet
Hillary Clinton had a clone child with Nurse Ratched
A hidden adder is less sinister than Sydney Abba
She’ll strap a dagger to her dildo as a kidney stabber
Her eyes, they glint as child friendly as a fire chimney
Why, our Sydney has the same hairstylist as Myra Hindley
She’d take on Boudicca, riding to challenge her barebutt
And still maintain her Let Me Speak To The Manager haircut

I hear she’s wild and savage in the sack like Jungle Book
If your name is Sydney, why do you rock the London Look?
That gap between your front teeth sure must stress your gum ridge
This sadistic bitch is twisted as Professor Umbridge
She takes no bullshit, like a cactus without fertiliser
Vagina drier than an iron miner tryin’ to squirt a geyser
She’d find a hornet nest in her panties erotic
Look, Target Lady forgot to take her antipsychotic

At school she wore braces and used exfoliating cream
Emanating steam with a grating scream in the debating team
She’d be a soccer mom if only she had decent ovaries
The only time she sees fresh eggs is in her weekly groceries
The malice blaring from her braless, scary, callous stare
Makes any fella with a phallus swear off chicks, like Alistair
Underwear she’ll takeoff quicker than Tigerair from tarmac
Only the Lighthouse Theatre has held more members from Dramac

When it comes to direction, Sydney is astutely quite bossy
She’s one Heil Hitler away from Abba-salute-ly a Nazi
Make just one Jew joke and she’ll go psycho completely
We’ll be actual grandparents by the time we play Mikael and Deidre
Those biceps make it look like every suit has shoulder pads
Her style is 80s, to appeal to her friends’ older dads
Not having to hear dad jokes? Most would find that marvellous
Was Maddie’s middle name after you ‘cuz you’re both fatherless?

When Simba fled Mufasa, Sydney’s heart just cracked in two
Better hit fast forward in How To Train Your Dragon 2
About to mention you’re a Cancer sign? Don’t dare to try
She’ll chant “I’m Sydney Abba. You killed my father, prepare to die.”
It’s like water under the Bridge of an empty Harbour
Her favourite character in Toy Story was Andy’s father
Daddy’s gone and we’ll never get to see him back
About the closest thing she’ll ever get to being black

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