Lorde "Yellow Flicker Beat" parody - "Hallows' Trick-Or-Treat"

Listen to "Yellow Flicker Beat" here

 

 

[ghostly “Wooooo” background vocals]

 

You dress DC, I go Marvel
Superman and Storm
Once it’s after dark and foggy
Then thrills will unfold

 

Fake blood, brains and guts
Some spooky fleshless bones
Red seeping stains clot
With dire sounds of moans
and shrieks

 

Costumes abound
Bonfires in the night
Sweet confections are our hope
We’re vying for a fright

 

So just cede all of your treats
Or pumpkins will soon hit home
Evil on the streets
In our disguises and torn clothes

 

(A nougat stick? Oooh!)

 

Got lanterns carved
And skulls on your fence
A sign reads “House Of Pain”
(Who gives licorice?)
We’re bleeding lots
The sinister dead walking
Hallows’ trick-or-treat
Starting after dark

 

A quiverin’ heart
No jolly Christmas cheer
Limbs severed into parts
For a touch of fear
A wily sprite creeps up in a
Bed cover fitted checker sheet
Marching through your yard

Loud screams ensue
The night forest has eyes
Hope the kiddies don’t drown
From razor blades at bobbing time

There’s some creeper stalking me
Blood dripping from a Screech Owl
Oujia boards and shrieks
At our old neighbours’ porch light

 

We’re on an Indian grave of feathers
And we’ve prayed for spirits risen
Candy's stocking up, chips and gum
Which eff-wit gave a gingerbread treat?

 

(Some soda pop? Oooooh!)

 

Fresh tissue scars
Long spiderweb strands
You’re dressed up as Bruce Wayne
I’m the Wicked Witch
We’ll feed for months
On sugar bars
Fed from marshmallows, Snickers treats
Chocolate strawberry tart

 

Pentagram star
A bloody viscous smear
Black leather and a sharp
Metal butcher’s spear
Some eyeless guy
Freak out from the dead walking
Hallows’ trick-or-treat
Starting after dark

 

[Owls hooting ‘Hooo! Hooo! Hooo!’]

Deliciousness
Breadbasket full of sickly sweet
Fructose, salt and carbs

[Ghosts howling ‘Booo! Wooo! Wooo!’]

Maliciousness
Dread, horror, gallows, chicken meat
Eat, eat, eat

Ughhhhh…

 

 

 

 



"Sheikh It Up" - Taylor Swift "Shake It Off" parody

by Nib Oswald

 

Go, Islamic state!
I’m hopping on your plane
We must keep away
From the evil gay
Our food has too many dates
We take a break to pray
For five times a freaking day
Then find sheep to slay

No wet solution?
Cleanse with dry ablution
Fluid-based jurisprudence
Purify
Best bring tissues or some Wet Wipes

 

Cause our prayers we will pray, pray, pray, pray, pray
And a Bay’ah we will say, say, say, say, say
Zaydi to a Sunni sheikh, sheikh, sheikh, sheikh, sheikh
Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up!
Alaykum when I wake, wake, wake, wake, wake
Call Jihad for Allah’s sake, sake, sake, sake, sake
‘rabian sun makes me bake, bake, bake, bake, bake
Bacon? Nup! Sheikh it up!

 

A woman we will beat
For walking down the street
Their hijab makes a screen
So they’re never seen
We’re chanting as we stone
Another lewd rape victim ho
She Hadd it coming, yo
Snubbed when he proposed!

It’s such a nuisance
Frequent daily douchings
To purge our sin pollutions
Can’t drink wine
And we fast from the dawn to night

 

We think Abraham was great, great, great, great, great
Our creator did create, -ate, -ate, -ate, -ate
Gabriel’s new Hadīth faith, faith, faith. faith, faith
Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up!
No shaving of our face, face, face, face, face
Laud Muhammud with our praise, praise, praise, praise, praise
Bábí the Quranist way, way, way, way, way
Quaker? Nup! Sheikh it up!

 

Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up!
Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up!

 

Durka durk!
Just think, while you’ve been fretting in your crowds
Lighting up fires, starting riots in the streets of the world
You should have been slitting throats that eat… pig… meat!

 

Catholics, Baptists and infidels
Should follow my God
Or see Jahannam gates
And to Abdullah in the chair of a Mullah, say a prayer
Persia, Yemen, Gaza, Babylon, we’ll take, take, take

 

*loud Adhan plays through loudspeakers*

 

The Israelis we’ll fillet - Oy vey, vey, vey!
And the Atheists we’ll flay, flay, flay, flay, flay
Pagans we’ll decapitate, hey, hey, hey, hey
Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up!
Large craters detonate, bang, bang, bang, bang
Stringing up each Western race, hang, hang, hang, hang
Papacy we’ll decimate, shank, shank, shank, shank
Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up!

 

Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up!
Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up! Sheikh it up!

 

 

 

Frances Abbott seems pretty academically void of merit to me

To add fuel to an already crackling fire, I've dug up a little indicator that Tony Abbott's middle daughter Frances Abbott is clearly not the brightest of the Abbott sisters, and was thus obviously offered a secret scholarship by Whitehouse Institute because her ATAR wouldn't have gotten her anywhere special based on her actual academic merits. (Find me anyone else in the state who has managed a $60,000+ scholarship from nothing more than a Band 6 in Art as a display of 'merit'.)

LOUISE ABBOTT (Monte Sant' Angelo Mercy College)
2006 HSC Band 6 results:
- Ancient History
- English Advanced
- Studies of Religion

BRIDGET ABBOTT (Monte Sant' Angelo Mercy College)
2010 HSC Band 6 results:
- Ancient History
- English Advanced
- Studies of Religion

FRANCES ABBOTT (Monte Sant' Angelo Mercy College)
2009 HSC Band 6 results:
- Visual Arts

It has been suggested that Frances was planning on undertaking a Bachelor of Design at a competing design school, Billy Blue. The academic requirements of this course are an ATAR of 64.
I'm really struggling here to fathom how a private school girl who attended Mont Sant' Angelo Mercy College (which has an ICSEA rating of 1176 and an average $20,500 annual fee) whose father was the established opposition leader at the time on a salary of about $200,000 (later boosted up to $360,000) and who only managed one Band 6 result in her HSC would be considered in need of, or deserving of, over $60,000 in scholarship.

The Whitehouse Institute website proclaims that they do not "... currently offer scholarships to get into the Bachelor of Design" and will only offer scholarships for study "...during the academic year to students who have formally commenced their studies and show exceptional ability and dedication."
However, the fact that Les Taylor, Chairman of the Board at the Whitehouse Institute and frequent financial supporter of the Liberal Party in the tens of thousands of dollars, approached Frances Abbott with the offer of a scholarship at the institute, and they then went out of their way to phone Ms Abbott four times in December 2010 to arrange a meeting for February 2011 to offer her a scholarship then and there, stinks terribly of a 'gift' to me.

The Abbott government's recent Budget has been lambasted for lowering the income threshold for HECS repayments by 10%, increasing interest rates on loans, and removing the cap on university fees which opens them up to exorbitant costs.

It is all well and good to make young Australians pay through the nose for their education when your own daughter is having her future spoonfed into her mouth with fine silverware.

Christopher Pyne's C-bomb CENSORED out of Australian Parliament Hansard transcript

A Hansard is a verbatim transcript of parliamentary debates, used in many Commonwealth nations to officially record the words and actions of its politicians. By having these available on public record, governments are held accountable for what they say and do whilst engaged in parliamentary discussions.
Society has moved forward from the elitist British government system of secrecy within the House that was in place up until the late 1700s, and we now keep the parliamentary actions of our elected officials transparent and hold them accountable for their behaviour.
A Hansard thus acts as an objective, official means of keeping record of what is said, when, and by whom.
Or does it?

There was recent hubbub today surrounding Education Minister Christopher Pyne for referring to an Opposition member as something-other-than-his-official-title during live debate.

Whilst Christopher Pyne insists that the word he called Opposition Member Tony Burke was ‘grub’, video of this moment portrays a rather clear delivery of certain consonants and vowels arranged into a certain different 4-letter word.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TsNL3uBw1g

 

 
Having rewatched the footage several times over, it appears that Christopher Pyne has obviously confused voicing his velar stops, struggled to properly enunciate his alveolar approximants and fumbled the correct formation of a bilabial stop.

Perhaps a visit from Geoffrey Rush would be in order...

And even if our Member for Sturt did call an Opposition Member a ‘grub’ (which he didn't) during a parliamentary debate, this is still very rich coming from someone who had already spoken out in point of order several times during the afternoon's debate for people not using appropriate parliamentary language in the House:

May 14th 2014, 2:02PM
Christopher Pyne makes a point of order when the Opposition call out Joe Hockey for lying.

May 14th 2014, 3:04PM
Christopher Pyne makes a point of order when the Opposition call out Tony Abbott for lying, and tells the Speaker of the House how she should do her job.

 May 14th 2014, 3:14PM
After a prolonged personal rant aimed at Opposition Leader Bill Shorten, our ever-so-professional and elegantly-eloquent Education Minister says (something?) to make Mr Shorten call out “Madame Speaker!” that Mr Pyne then withdraws...

WAIT, WHAT? IT’S BEEN CENSORED OUT.

THE OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT HANSARD OF THE MAY 14TH 2014 PARLIAMENTARY DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES HAS NO RECORD OF CHRISTOPHER PYNE SAYING ‘CUNT’.

Those Mullifucks!

According to the official Parliament House website,
“Hansard is the name given to the edited transcripts of debates in the Senate, House of Representatives, Federation Chamber and parliamentary committees.”
Oh, edited indeed.
So nice of you to censor out the word ‘grub’ for our precious civilian ears.
Wouldn’t want to know about what kind of things our politicians are actually being paid to say as professional representatives of our nation’s interests or anything...

Here’s a quick fixer-upper for you, courtesy of the Fourth Estate (me in my underwear at a laptop), just to keep you bastards honest:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How does Christopher Pyne get out of a sticky cunt situation?
He withdraws.



Official Parliament House Website:
 http://www.aph.gov.au/Parliamentary_Business/Hansard

 Hansard for May 14th 2014 (pdf file, 150 pages)
http://parlinfo.aph.gov.au/parlInfo/download/chamber/hansardr/40c69b08-1375-4362-8f90-6bf646a9cada/toc_pdf/House%20of%20Representatives_2014_05_14_2432.pdf;fileType=application%2Fpdf


Nib Oswald is a media student dropout who enjoys cleaner piñatas and getting arraigned in court.

Shirley Temple: another celebrity victim of natural causes

On February 11th, 2014, it was announced that legendary silver screen performer Shirley Temple had sadly passed away at the ripe old age of 85, from natural causes. 

 

Being naturally blonde from a young age
was an earlier indicator of the tragic natural
life that she would come to live in later years. 

The all-too-familiar scenario of a natural death continues to cast a dark shadow over the lives of famed 1930s and 40s film stars; from Katharine Hepburn to recent victim Joan Fontaine, whose penchant for a natural lifestyle was all too publically acknowledged. For a ‘natural talent’ such as Shirley Temple, whose professional career began at the tender age of 3, the devastating spiral from young Hollywood starlet to Disney company board member, congressional candidate and international US ambassador clearly took its toll over time. The troubling result of such a living is evidenced in her mortal vessel progressively ageing in temporal synchrony along with the calendar years that passed by in regular chronological intervals.

 

Even in her twilight years, Temple could be seen
in broad daylight, allowing natural ultraviolet
radiation from the sun to ravage her zoetic flesh.

Hollywood responded to the natural causes of Temple's death with heartfelt condolences. Several celebrities posted to their online accounts about the tragedy with a flurry of saddened sentiment:

“So sad to lose such a talent to such a hopeless lifestyle choice.”
commented Courtney Love on her website blog, followed by a link to a Naturopathy Addiction helpline. 

“Totes devo natural causes claim another bright star.L will hit the club hard tonight n down several of you in your honor @ShirleyTemple.”
tweeted Lindsay Lohan, from halfway down a busy Los Angeles highway.

“It seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in.”
announced Shia LaBeouf during a red carpet premiere of Nymphomaniac, speaking from under a large Flappy Bird mask that engulfed his head.

 

The global media coverage of Shirley Temple’s naturally-caused death also brought along with it a public outcry, which inevitably accompanies such morbid news. Thousands took to Twitter to voice their concerns that publicised reports regarding the natural lifestyle of a Hollywood screen icon may influence children of the 1930s generation who idolise Shirley Temple as a role model.

“Um, I do not feel comfortable discussing a natural cause of death

with my HIV-positive grandfather…” wrote one dissenter, RockClimbLyf92.

Another online blogger, Neknomin8Plankr  added:
“Plz stop focusing attention on those who live out a natural lifespan.
It always ends in heartache when they are killed.”

Similar sentiments were shared by hundreds of respondents on a popular “R.I.P. Shirley Temple” Facebook tribute page: 

 

“Why are we reporting on the death of one naturalist when there are thousands of other octogenarians dying from natural causes every week?”

“Shirley Temple left behind three children, why don’t you think of them before glorifying her selfish lifestyle decisions as some kind of tragedy? #naturalcauses”

“How many more people have to die from this before congress will do something?”

Whilst the numbers are still unclear, medical doctors suggest anywhere between 6 and 7 million people die each year from natural causes over the age of 70, a figure which accounts for over two-thirds of deaths in developed nations. It has been documented that a human being partaking in a natural lifespan will experience either cardiovascular disease, cancer, dementia, chronic obstructive lung disease or diabetes, in 100% of cases.

Shirley Temple’s cause of death could therefore possibly be seen as a glaring symptom of a society that embraces a natural life, without considering the inevitable dire consequences that occur from the associated habits and behaviours of usual, common or normal everyday practices.

What have we done.
WHAT. HAVE. WE. DONE?!

As the sparkling star of Bright Eyes, with a childish exuberance and vitality that audiences enjoyed worldwide, Shirley Temple was destined to eventually burn out after decades of frictional, gravitational, chemical and genetic decay to her body, indicative of a time spent existing naturally within our Earth’s atmosphere whilst partaking in a natural life.

If there is anything to be learnt from the Shirley Temple’s timely demise, it may be that it is time for our governments to finally listen and act upon calls for legal euthanasia in our health care system, so that we can finally put a stop to the exponentially growing number of lives claimed by natural causes each and every year.

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nib Oswald is a media dropout who spares the right time to write in his spare time.
This is a satirical comment on the media treatment of Philip Seymour Hoffman's recent passing; apparently I need to spell these things out to people.

Top 10 Moments of 2014

Oh, boy, what a year it has been. Why, it feels like barely days ago that New Year's fireworks were christening the skies with optimistic splashes of colour, noise and chemical fragrances and resolutions were being extemporised by humanity in communal inebriation.

But now that the dust has settled on another year, let's take the time now to look back at and reflect upon the highs, the lows, the twists and turns of the Top 10 Moments of 2014: The Year That Was (so far).


#10. LATVIA JOINS THE EUROPEAN UNION, SWAPS LATS FOR EURO

 Tsk, what happened to you, Latvia?
You used to be all about the mires, cabbage-stuffed salmon and
Baltic ennui. You've chaaaaanged, man.




#9. THE PHRASE 'POLAR VORTEX' ENTERS EVERYONE'S VOCABULARY

Basically an extension to the rule of the Coriolis effect, in which
everyone's toilet in the Northern Hemisphere get frozen over with
ice and can't swirl in any direction.




#8. PAKISTANI STUDENT AITZAZ HASAN STOPS SUICIDE BOMBER

Selflessly sacrificing his own life to stop a suicide bomber
from entering his school, teenager Aitzaz Hasan tragically
reminded us all that those of the next generation who say
"YOLO" the least deserve the sentiment the most.




#7. CHINA EASES OFF ONE-CHILD POLICY

Mass panic ensued as the government announced that
"every family in China can now go nuclear."




#6. JUSTIN BIEBER: RETIRED

"He is retard? Is very nice you allow him eat at table."
-Borat




#5. EVERYONE NOW KINDA "MEH" OVER THE WHOLE NSA THING

Considering the amount of shit we let a phone app get away with
in accessing our personal information, this aint really a biggie.




#4. DOGECOIN SURPASSES BITCOIN; SPONSORS JAMAICAN BOBSLED TEAM

Such internet.




#3. GOLDEN GLOBES AWARDS NIGHT WAS PRETTY GOOD I SUPPOSE

Idris Elba failed to win in either of his nominated categories for
Best Actor in a Motion Picture, or Best Actor in a Miniseries/TV movie?
SCANDAL.




#2. PUTIN BANS GAY PROPAGANDA FROM SOCHI WINTER OLYMPICS

Boycott? As in boy cot? Aha! More gay propaganda aimed at our children!
Why can't you just let all the muscly guys in spandex lie on top of each other
as they ride a phallic sled downhill without all this gayness interfering?




#1 PROTESTERS IN KIEV PROTEST UKRAINE'S NEW ANTI-PROTEST LAW

That's gotta be, like, entrapment or something, right?

2013: A year reviewed in 50 Facebook statuses

In reflection of the year that was, and in self-indulgent endorsement of my snappy topical wit over the past 12 months, here are some of the Nib Oswald funnies of 2013 in order of non-particularity:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 ...