Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Typical Day Of A Teenage Girl In The (18)90s

In response to: http://www.buzzfeed.com/amandamarsh/the-typical-day-of-a-teenage-girl-in-the-late-90s-96ht


1. Wake up at the rooster’s crow, attend to milking the cows and breastfeeding baby brother.

2. Empty chamberpot  into town water supply.

3. Begin heating bathwater.

4. Breakfast: buckwheat –a-bix with two teaspoons of cocaine, fresh glass of absinthe.

 5. Line up the boning of your corset with the indentations made in your flesh from previous day's corset.

6. Scold the scullery maids for incorrectly tying up bodice and leaving a needle in chemisette. Laugh away a timid enquiry as to whether slavery has been abolished in this state yet.

7. How many wives does it take to change a what?
This never happened with our candle chandelier, you know!
Sorry, sir. Yes, of course, sir, how silly of me. Thank you, sir.

8. Sneakily hang picture of Dorian Gray on cellar wall. He is sooooo handsome. Well, for the 'gay 90s' anyway.

9. Rain or shine: you’ll always need your parasol!

10. Still can’t decide on job application… prostitute or stenographer? Prostitute or stenographer? Gah, the choices...

11. Tut all the pretentious hipsters waiting in line for the latest periodic table of elements to be released from the general store. They release a new update to one of those every fortnight!

12. Woohoo, found an empty voting ballot dropped on the ground! Always handy to carry around a spare sanitary rag.
13. Try pedalling one of those new ‘bicycle’ gizmos around. Experience multiple orgasms whilst going over cobblestones; spend five weeks in psychiatric institution being treated for hysteria. 
14. Seventeen tomorrow? Argh, midlife crisis!
15. Take photograph of home baked lunch, to share with friends. Legitimate sepia filter.

 16. Daughter mistakes laudanum bottle for throat tincture…
Sigh, there’s another grave to add to the burial plot of progeny outside.

17. Weave a ‘Team Dracula’ quilt.

18. Peep in on husband doing jury duty at town court. The Accused is found guilty of first degree contraception and aggravated witchcraft.

19. Send suggestive telegraph to rich extramarital suitor, along with a racy silver nitrate albumen print of one exposed ankle à la'50 Shades Of Grey'.


20. Waltz around ballroom to the latest hit from the wireless: Topcoat Gingham Style!

21. Drain chicken urine into a saucer and fetch more leeches to assist doctor in exorcising poor papa of his typhus demons.

22. Brush teeth over garden to provide the petunias with some blood and bone.

23. Have lukewarm bath before bed.

24. Die in sleep from dysentery.

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