Sunday, July 7, 2013

The 10 Worst Baby Names For Prince William & Kate Middleton's New Royal Baby

As expectant mother Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, draws ever closer to the day of childbirth for her first born (apparently due on July 13th. Great, as if having to share my birthday with my baby cousin wasn't bad enough...) the world turns its attention to the inaugural naming of the child.

Following a Queenly letters patent in January 2013 announcing that the child would claim the style of 'Royal Highness' regardless of gender (traditionally a title only reserved for a first son), Willie and Kate have decided to keep the sex of their child unknown until after birth. Hence, names for boys and girls are up for grabs in the betting stakes for what nominal title shall be bestowed upon the future Prince or Princess of Cambridge.

Listed below are some names that really shouldn't be chosen:

#1. McQueen
Named both for the commercialised global response to any British monarch’s birth, and also for Alexander McQueen, who designed the revered bridal gown worn to the Royal Wedding by Kate Middleton. (And, more importantly, the dress that Pippa Middleton wore, too.)


#2. Alopecia
An hereditary title. Hair apparent? Hahaha.
('s an 'heir apparent' joke, guys, come on. Get with the monarchical lingo.)


#3. Mary-Jane
Many Duchesses have been named Mary over the past few centuries. However, babysitting weekends with Uncle Harry may result in a bit too much Pass-The-Dutchie for little Mary-Jane.


#4. The Prince Formerly Known As Artist
You’re supposed to be a symbol of dynastical tradition and unity amongst the commonwealth realm; not a symbol on the door of one of those new politically correct public restrooms.

#5. George Arthur Philip Edward Louis Albert Elizabeth Charles Richard
Sticking with the royal tradition of cramming in as many dead relatives’ names as possible into the title of one’s latest progeny.

#6. Mercedes
No matter how I begin this sentence, you know it will segue into a horrible Princess Diana reference.

#7. Daenerys
“I am Daenerys Buckingham of House Windsor, of the blood of old Hanover. I am the royal daughter, true heir to the throne of the sixteen sovereign states, and I swear that those who would cause me harm will die screaming.”
“Uh, yes, welcome to Papua New Guinea, Your Highness. Thank you for joining us today in celebration of our 50th year of independence."

#8. Nukem
 Then he would grow up to be Duke Nukem! 10-year-old me believes this would be totally worth it.

#9. Elvis
My brain hurts trying to imagine Prince Elvis, son of the King, meeting Prince Michael Jackson, son of the King of Pop, who previously married the daughter of Elvis, The King.

#10. Nuclear Waste Canister
Solely for the inevitable 2030 tabloid headline:
Exclusive pics: topless Nuclear Waste Canister leaked!
Until then, you've gotta admit that growing up with the name 'Nuclear Waste Canister' would still be pretty damn sucky.

Swag Hashtag Yolo
With a birth that commemorates an era ruled by Honey Boo Boo, North West, and the fall of human civilisation as we know it, Swag Hashtag Yolo would be a perfect symbolic name for the future heir to the Crown, embodying the times of our world as any true nepotistically-chosen leader of millions should.











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