Wednesday, December 23, 2015

40 Big Dick Problems

For all my tripods getting tangled in their ipods...
#1. Your dick has a birthday two days after yours.

#2. The self-retracting tape measure kinks under its own weight before you get to accurately record your length.
#3. She only ever asks for a threesome with a Sherpa.

#4. Sneezing violently after a shower so you have to spend an hour untangling yourself from the ceiling fan. 

#5. When her moans sound all weird from the Doppler effect as she goes up and down your shaft.
#6. People always laughing at your cock-knee accent.

#7. Having to sit awkwardly at an angle in your train seat so your morning wood fits along the hypotenuse of the carriage.

#8. "Unexpected item in baggage area."

#9. Accidentally scaring other men at public urinals when you shake after a pee and it makes a loud whipcrack sound.

#10. Concealing an erection by tucking it up under your Double Windsor knot.

#11. Lifetime ban from the putt-putt golf course.

#12. When you pass out naked at the beach and the Google Maps Car happens to be driving by and inadvertently documents the gradual sunburn of your foreskin as your penis slowly unravels and is carried down the coastline by the tide.

#13. A blind chick rolling on a ribbed condom mutters "TL;DR". 

#14. Having to shell out for an Extra Large popcorn bucket when you see Fifty Shades of Grey in the cinema.

#15. Itchy socks.

#16. Having to tape two selfie sticks together for sexting.

#17. Suing the amusement park for bodily harm because the sign only said 'Keep hands, arms and feet inside the ride at all times'.

#18. When the bus doors close too quickly and you end up having to pay full fare as your bell-end takes a tour of the city back to the depot. 

#19. The gravitational pull of the moon causes slight curvature to the left. 

#20. When you take twerking lessons but every time you start to rapidly undulate your hips you take off around the room like a helicopter. 

#20. Revolving doors. 

#21. Your penis keeps making a loud decrescendo gurgle noise like a Giggle Stick as you struggle to pass a kidney stone.

#22. Absentminded motorists reaching out when you’re standing at a petrol pump filling your car. 

#23. Causing a petrol station fire when your Prince Albert piercing sparks up against a drainage grate on the ground.  

#24. When you stuff up your over/under coiling technique halfway through and end up fumbling with a huge knot at the urinal later. 

#25. Even yo mama has to stop and reach for lube.

#26. Watching an Asian bj video, you appreciate the phantom limb sensation that amputees experience. 

#27. Getting an xray but the lead apron isn't long enough so they have to park a lead-lined truck in the room. 

#28. When your dick floors the accelerator in a small car and you do a mad burnout so everyone thinks you're overcompensating but really no your dick just massive and can’t really fit properly inside a small vehicle.
#29. Constantly being affected by several different time zones of morning wood. 

#30. Some idiot with a camera crew tries crawling into your urethra for an Eaten Alive special.

#31. Finding Size US14 Shoes but that's only a UK Size 13.

#32. All your children fall out prematurely and have to be re-inserted with expanding foam.

#33. Lawnmowers.

#34. Every time you go in for a physical, the nurse calls for backup on her walkie-talkie.

#35. Having to tape a potato to your scrotum and say 'Sorry for the long post' every time you fuck a 9gagger.

#36. Your bae keeps overfeeding you to acquire more safety padding.

#37. When you suggest a stretch hummer for prom night and your date gets pissed off because she thought you were referring to the limousine.

#38. Having to stand all alone atop the podium of a three-legged race.

#39. When you double-knot your shoelaces.

#40. Tourists keep posing in front of you like they’re propping you up.

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