The Farce Side Cartoons 2006-2009

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

8

 

 

 

 

How to *really* spot a paedophile

Recently, news.com.au journalist Candace Sutton posted a report outlining the warning signs for identifying your local neighbourhood paedophile.

With decades of experience under her belt covering cases of sex offenders as a crime reporter, and having worked in the NSW prison system for six years studying cases and interviewing psychologists and experts in the field of sex offences, her knowledge was soundly conveyed with professional research and insight to outline specific physical characteristics and behavioural traits that denote paedophilic tendencies.

 

For example, alarm bells should start ringing if any of the following suspicious characters sound familiar to YOU in your everyday life:

-  an ‘everyman’
- a relative who is charming
- a married adult male, who works anywhere from unskilled work up to corporate executive
- someone whose friends might also be sex offenders
(*Emphasis on that ‘might’, people!)
- someone who is bisexual, or prefers only boys, or prefers only girls
- someone who likes infants and toddlers, children between six and ten years old, or "tweens" and
young teenagers up to the age of 16
- a sport coach, camp counsellor, bus driver, daycare worker, dance school teacher or band leader
- “a Boy Scout leader, church or secular youth worker”, (though keep in mind that “Australian parents should not comfort themselves with the notion child sex offences… are confined to likely suspects such as Boy Scout leaders or Catholic priests.”)
- someone who has photographs of children who are fully dressed
- a father, stepfather, uncle, grandfather or live-in boyfriend
- someone who gives children gifts
- charming, attractive men with social graces
- respected community members

 

Have *YOU* seen any raging perverts like this in your area?

Most people would have some difficulty in thinking of somebody they know who fits one or more of these highly precise descriptions, which is a sign of just how difficult it can truly be to spot a kiddie fiddler in your vicinity. Perhaps we must cast our net wider with some slightly more vague and equivocal criteria.

As mentioned before, having sexual interest in anyone up to the age of 16 is a clear indicator of a paedophile. With this in mind, we should take into consideration the age of consent laws in countries around the world.

Map courtesy of the International Sex Offender Registry.

It would be racist to assume that children in one area of the world develop any physically or cognitively different to any other child in the world, thereby justifying a lower age of legal competence for consenting to a sexual act. Hence, it is an objective scientific observation to deem any government supported by its national citizens with an age of consent below 16 to all be paedophiles. (Why, these age of consent laws are usually drafted up by a national panel of educated experts in the field, passed through legislative scrutiny by government and then adhered to by the general public who elect their ruling representatives. Only paedophilic citizens would see no need to protest the age of consent laws in their country being under 16, as suggested by the professional assessment of news.com.au journalist Candace Sutton.)
 
For example, take the country Spain. In 1999, Spain had a national age of consent of 12.
This was on par with other nation states such as:
Angola
Aruba
Brazil
Curaçao
Mexico
and Vatican City.

Thankfully, the child-molesting Spanish people raised the age of consent to 13, slotting them alongside:

Argentina
Burkina Faso
Comoros
Japan
Niger
and South Korea, on the chart of perverted nonce nations.

(Note that Japan is the third most powerful developed nation on Earth, with a GDP of $5.1 trillion and average life expectancy of 83.5 years old. This isn't some backwater underdeveloped despot nation in the middle of the desert, but a reflection of the elite, empowered system of paedophilia that proliferates throughout our international communities.)

Going further, if we take into consideration nations with an age of consent of 14, we can now also incriminate the paedophile-filled borders of:

Albania
Austria
Bangladesh
Bosnia & Herzegovina
Botswana
Bulgaria
Burma
Canada
Cape Verde
Chad
Chile
China
Colombia
Democratic Republic of the Congo
Ecuador
Estonia
Germany
Hungary
Italy
Lichtenstein
Lesotho
Macedonia
Madagascar
Malawi
Montenegro
Paraguay
Peru
Portugal
San Marino
Serbia
and several states in the USA on technicality.

Moving on to countries with a perverse age of consent of 15, we can now expand our base of identified paedophiles as anybody living in:
Cambodia
Costa Rica
Czech Republic
Denmark
France
French Polynesia
Greece
Honduras
Iceland
Jordan
Kiribati
Kuwait
Laos
Monaco
North Korea
Poland
Romania
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
Sint Maarten
Slovakia
Slovenia
Solomon Islands
Sweden
Syria
Thailand
Turkey
Tuvalu
or Uruguay.

Do you know anybody from any these countries?

Do you know anybody who has visited any of these countries, thus arousing suspicion of intended child-fucking tourism and supporting national paedophilic industry?
Moreover, do you know anyone who follows a religion?

- The Catholic Church, inhabiting the Vatican State, still follows an 1889 Zanardelli Code that states the age of consent is 12 years old.

- In 2008, a Saudi court refused to annul the marriage between an 8-year-old girl and a 58-year-old man, due to customary laws regarding sex after marriage.

 
-This year in Yemen, an 8-year-old bride was raped to death by her 40-year-old husband on the night of their arranged marriage after the Yemeni government dropped age of consent amendments in 2009.

Never sheikh your baby.

 

Indeed, the age of consent in decades past was considerably lower than contemporary times.

- 13^th Century Europe had a customary age of 7 for marriage, with some 2 to 3 year olds being married during the period.

-Italy and Germany enacted the first age of consent laws in the late 16^th Century, with an age of 12.

-17^th Century American colonies considered marriage for girls under 12 to be ‘normal’, with a standard age of 9 considered acceptable.

- The 1791 French Constitution set the age of consent at 11, with Portugal, Spain, Denmark and Switzerland similarly setting a minimum age to have sex between 10-12 years of age.

- During the mid-19^th Century, ages of consent between 10 and 13 were commonplace in Western countries.

-The US state of Delaware still had the legal age of 7 in place in 1895. There are 3 American people living today who were born before then. THEY ARE PAEDOPHILES.



God, what *is* it with 110-year-olds?

Most countries today only raised their age of consent laws in the latter half of the 20^th Century.
If you know someone born in the mid-20^th-Century, THEY ARE PROBABLY A PAEDOPHILE.

PAEDOPHILE IS AN ANAGRAM OF ‘HAILED POPE’, ‘A HID PEOPLE’ and ‘PIPED A HOLE’.

DO *YOU* KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS PEOPLE?!

THE WORLD. IS. PAEDOPHILES.

 

 



Limp Bizkit parody - "Freddy Should Go"

To the tune of 'Ready To Go' by Limp Bizkit (feat. Lil Wayne)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyAAwCu-Lu4

 

 

 

[INTRO]

Go check your prostate!

Who is this?! (Limp what?)

They’re such… old… news!
Old farts! (Shut ‘em up!)
Boo! (Oh god, turn it off!)
Tell Freddy to quit!

 

 [CHORUS]
They said Limp Bizkit wouldn’t suck anymo’

They said the whole lame group would stop with each terrible show
We think that men in their forties should not go on tour

Your act is kitsch, as you jump around sweaty and old

Looks like your mosh pit is an elderly home
You shouldn’t headbang or you’ll pop your back, crackin’ a bone

A bristly chin from that paedophile beard that you’ve grown
And now we wish that this old bloated Freddy would go

Yeah, Freddy should go. Yeah, Freddy should go

You’re filthy rich, call it quits now and head on back home

Start getting more toned, by shedding a stone
Keep out the fridge and please don’t do Nu Metal no mo’

[VERSE 1- FRED DURST]
Fat, eating chocolate starfish hotdogs
Give those finger paints back to Lady Gaga
That's right it's Freddy D, the chubby-head emcee
You know this chump should have quit back in 2003 (Oh!)

What a group of schmucks, straight outta Jacksonville

Such a rip-off paying twenty bucks for Three Dollar Bill
Your clothes are looking tight, you sure you’re eating right?

Look like a walking lump of biscuit crumbs and cellulite

Still you linger on, when Linkin Park has died
This mic fiend’s getting plumper, lay off the pumpkin pie

You had your moment, guys. The 90s passed us by

Yet still you gobble-up customers to suck ‘em dry (Pay up!)
Damn, you jumped the shark hard. Zoolander and Eminem?
Zach Galifianakis called - he wants his hobo look back, man

You’re still in stock? Where’s your latest album sold?
Oh, it’s on the shelf, hiding underneath the mould

  

 [CHORUS]
They said Limp Bizkit wouldn’t suck anymo’

They said the whole lame group would stop with each terrible show
We think that men in their forties should not go on tour

Your act is kitsch, as you jump around sweaty and old

Looks like your mosh pit is an elderly home
You shouldn’t headbang or you’ll pop your back, crackin’ a bone

A bristly chin from that paedophile beard that you’ve grown
You know we wish that this old bloated Freddy would go

Yeah, Freddy should go. Yeah, Freddy should go

You’re filthy rich, call it quits now and head on back home

Start getting more toned, by shedding a stone
Keep out the fridge and please don’t do Nu Metal no mo’

  

[VERSE 2- LIL WAYNE]
What the fuck is up?
Uh, fuck, my words cuss a lot
I’m gon’ spit some swag, then clutch my crotch
Snort crack from a trashbag, much disgust

C’mon. Bucks! Bucks, bucks in the six figures
Concert double-charge so we’ve sold plenty more tickets
Schmucks! Suck up all this Limp Bizkit
Now we’re rich making lots as your spend your millions
Uh, and it’s easy to be rich, yo
See, if a teen’s white, take that kid’s dough
You’ll blow up from show spots where ya spits flow
Then make a music video with nymphos

Yeah, do hip-hop, if you’ve flopped
I’ll take Limp Bizkit money, until they get dropped

So just Keep Rollin’, ‘til you’re head hurts

Let’s stack up more plaques milking Fred Durst

[CHORUS]

They said Limp Bizkit wouldn’t suck anymo’

They said the whole lame group would stop with each terrible show
We think that men in their forties should not go on tour

Your act is kitsch, as you jump around sweaty and old

Looks like your mosh pit is an elderly home
You shouldn’t headbang or you’ll pop your back, crackin’ a bone

A bristly chin from that paedophile beard that you’ve grown
And now we wish that this old bloated Freddy would go

Yeah, Freddy should go. Yeah, Freddy should go

You’re filthy rich, call it quits now and head on back home

Start getting more toned, by shedding a stone
Keep out the fridge and please don’t do Nu Metal no mo’
 

[VERSE 3]

So Wes is quite the artist, with ink and brush mascaras

Doesn’t paint a picture, he paints colours up his armpits
Gotta do my house chores, then I’ll mow my damn lawn
My lifestyle after forty’s rather dull and quite the bore
I was a rock god, now zero albums sell
I should buy a beard comb, it really smells
Yeah, I’m old and getting round as my belly swells
Shit, my pants ripped, hope I brought another belt

[CHORUS]

Limp Bizkit, get the fuck out the door

They said your whole lame group would stop with each terrible show
We think that men in their forties should not go on tour

Your act is kitsch, as you jump around sweaty and old

Looks like your mosh pit is an elderly home
You shouldn’t headbang or you’ll pop your back, crackin’ a bone

A bristly chin from that paedophile beard that you’ve grown
And now we wish that this old bloated Freddy would go

Yeah, Freddy should go. Yeah, Freddy should go

You’re filthy rich, call it quits now and head on back home

Start getting more toned, by shedding a stone
Keep out the fridge and please don’t do Nu Metal no mo’



A brief comparison of the Australian Coalition vs Labor party

(* Foreword: I did not vote for either Coalition or Labor in the 2013 election. Senate choices were made below the line and jumped between parties based on the experience and policies of individual candidates.)

Today, Tony Abbott's government cabinet was announced, presenting the Australian public with the front bench that will be serving in the House of Representatives for the next 3 years. Numerous portfolios were dropped from previous government arrangements, including:
- Science
- Energy
- Climate
- Youth
- Early Childhood
- Aged Care
- Status Of Women.

Newly implemented was a minister of Border Protection (Scott Morrison) and Health Minister Peter Dutton will also double as minister for Sport.

Early criticisms have already arisen regarding the ratio of women to men in the Coalition cabinet, outer ministry and parliamentary secretaries; tallied at 1:18, 4:7 and 1:11 respectively (6:36 in total).

Let us compare these ratios to the Coalition and Labor ministers that Australia was voting for mere weeks ago:



Ha. Interesting, that.

Game Of Thrones Explains How To Vote

I wrote this a few months back, but still feel it is as relevant as ever with the election date only weeks away now.

Edit: GetUp! has a Game Of Seats video out now, check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFOU1F5Cmpg
(My writing brief was to try having Game Of Thrones characters explain the Australian preferential voting process in a rap, so it may get a little convoluted. Perhaps try the official website for a simplified overview: http://www.aec.gov.au/voting/How_to_vote/Voting_Senate.htm )

 

So you want to vote for Senate and the House Of Reps?
Better grab a notepad and write down these easy steps
And before you have completed your electoral sheets
Spread the word on how to vote by tweeting hashtag #GameOfSeats
 

Got a Federal Election set for the 7th of September
Every adult citizen must vote, regardless of race or gender
When you’re numbering your ballot preferences, remember
Like Theon Greyjoy, every box must be filled by a member

 

 

The House of Representatives
Tends to be quite argumentative
Independents, Libs, Nats, Greens, Labor
Find them all on your green paper

 To ensure pure authority

Gotta win absolute majority
Fiddy ‘Cent plus one. Half, plus a head
The least popular has their ballots spread

To the nominee numbered as the second preference
If no winner has made up the difference
Keep repeating, round after round
Until a clear victor is found
 

So don’t think your vote goes to waste
Even if your first choice hasn’t placed
Take it from this royal midget
Brother, you don’t want to miss a single digit

 

 

Upper, Lower, in the House
Time to turn this party out
People, choose your chamber elites
And change up the names in this Game of Seats
Hit the booth and vote, forsooth
From old to youth, uphold the truth

 

Now hold your horses, people, wait one minute
I’ve yet to get to voting-in the members of the Senate
For in parliament of Canberra, it must be understandable
 The government is bicameral (and hence not eunuch-ameral)
 

 

So whilst Lower House majority is insurmountable
The Senate has power to keep their actions accountable
Every bill, they can choose to amend it
Or deny, block supply, and end it
Not be locked into soulless hypocrisy
Of hollow party policy, democracy defended

 

 

Imagine, a PM ruling with an iron fist
With power over both Houses - you know what a tyrant is?
If the Senate majority is the party ruling
There would be no opposition numbers for fair duelling

Such a government could suppress any voice that’s unsavoury
Pass bills without challenge, such as Work Choices slavery

No prevention of Intervention, Asylum Seeker Detention
Or contention for ending the Disability pension

 

So to counter this possibility, the best defence is
First, be sure of your party's chosen preferences
You can vote above the line, adding just a 1 is fine
Or below you must go every row - every member, a number you must assign
 

 

The system is preferential, each transfer vote has potential
To have swing that is influential, so your numbering is essential
There are 76 Upper House positions
States vote in 12 (territories, 2 politicians)

 

Thus, we tally up the number of the formal votes they’ve won
Divide it by the number of Senate posts, plus one
Then we add one to THAT number to determine the Quota
So ta keep the playing field even, we ask each voter
To keep in mind which major party would win seats in the Senate
By votes transferred on by a minor party or Independent

 

 

And who would benefit from quota surplus transferred to others
Which could smother Senate numbers with one ensemble of brothers
There are many House bannermen for the Wolves and the Lions
And so too, your Senate members will each have an alliance
 

 

From the Carers to Democrats, to the Shooters And Fishers
Vote for Sex or for Hemp or for Socialist politicians
For 6 years they will keep in check even the best minister
I wish Westoros had a system more like Westminster
Keep your government modest, just make one lasting promise
Vote your Senate in wisely and let’s keep those bastards honest

 

Upper, Lower, in the House
Time to turn this party out
People, choose your chamber elites
And change up the names in this Game of Seats
Hit the booth and vote, forsooth
From old to youth, uphold the truth

So I Lost My First Rap Battle

 

After many years of procrastination, I finally coughed up US$15 and entered my first online rap battle tournament. Having been familiarised to the 'scene' as pretty much 99% of the world was solely through Eminem's 2003 film 8 Mile and from there dabbling with the hoards of other white text emcees who like writing words that rhyme good, to following the battlerap successes of Australians Justice, Anecdote and 360 a few years back on the US scene, I stepped up to the online mic arena where one must spit dem phat lyrics over a dope beat.

 

And apparently did terribly.

Yeah, you did terribly bad
Your expression now is unbearably sad
3-1-3!

I hesitated in making this response, until a Canadian rapper friend randomly commented
"First four lines end in 'nobody'. WHAAAAT." which were my sentiments exactly, and hopefully others will recognise how poorly crafted my opponent's battle rap actually was.

I consider myself a rather decent rapper. Every single verse I have written since 2003 has been polysyllabic. From the hundreds of thousands to millions of lyrics I've written over the past decade, you will not find a single song parody or rap that does not have at least two rhymes per sentence, and rhyming two to seven sounds at a time. (I'm fucking brilliant, is what I'm saying.)

After my previous YouTube account was deleted, taking with it my 120 or so subscribers, I started again from nothing and have since managed to clock up 465,000 views on  my Die Antwoord parody, 85,000 views dropping a rap on Letters & Numbers, 58,000 views for a Hilltop Hoods parody that they retweeted and posted on Facebook and 10,000 views apiece for my Linkin Park and Eminem parodies. Considering I barely had 60 subscribers at the time I would like to think these views come from people sharing what they find with others because there is some sense of quality content being enjoyed there.

Anyhow, to this rap battle, and a little critique from inside the mind of Nib as to why I am completely at a loss as to why I am at a loss here. When you are paired up with an opponent for a rap battle, your disses and punches and jokes should be related to that person. You can wax lyrical as much as you want about being so dope, and how you fucked your opponent's mum, and they're gay, and gonna get beat up in the alley after the show... but that arbitrary expendable waffle could be aimed at anyone and copy/pasted into any battle.
A truly talented emcee demonstrates their spontaneous creativity and rhyming skill by being able to make their jokes uniquely relevant to their opponent. If they have a lisp, you make lisp jokes. If they are wearing a raincoat, you make I Know What You Did Last Summer jokes. If their name is SuperFly you make fly swatting jokes and references to kryptonite. Your badass bravado about skilleting them with a fisherman's knife and strangling them with fishing rod wire is completely irrelevant if their name has nothing to do with fishing and they aren't a fisherman by trade. Similarly, dropping ad hominem 'you're a sissy faggot/ dumb bitch loser' lines will get you quickly booed off stage as audiences soon outgrew these lines a decade ago.

Furthermore, bloody well put some effort into rhyming. Rap thrives on lyrical wordplay, puns,  polysyllabism and internal rhymes to maintain 'flow' and sets it apart from your Dr Seuss, Shakespeare or bushman ballad. Weak writing loses you points in my books no matter how cool your gritty DMX vocals are.

With this in mind, I post the below two analyses of my first rap battle, being as objective as possible here in my criteria, and question how the hell I unanimously lost in this scenario:

SugaBezy




*

Nib Oswald

Lorde 'Royals' parody - Royal Baby

To the tune of 'Royals' by Lorde.:

https://soundcloud.com/nib-oswald/lorde-royals-parody-royal-baby

 

 

They’re gonna print my likeness on your cash
When they bequeath my role as king, I’ll be ruling
Soon I’ll have found my own princess
Once I’ve worn the crown
The royal family

 

(Yeah, every day is like:)
Royal wreaths, grand dukes, sittin’ on the oak throne
Long reigns, gold crowns, sashes that are silk sewn
Grosvenor Square
We’ve got a battleaxe for our Queen
(We rule the Commonwealth!)
Mattress stack gets piled up on a green pea
Horse reins, Ireland, Harry smoking hashish
Rightful heir
My poor father’s losing all his hair

We’re the sovereign royals (Royals!)
Polo on a prized stud
A formal tux to eat my lunch
You slave away to make a crust
I shall be your ruler (Ooh-err!)
You can call me King Gee
This baby will rule
(O’er you and you and you!)
For the Windsor dynasty

 

Our London tower is stacked with gold
We hunt for foxes in the rain with our Corgis
I’ve got a sceptre, orb and ro-o-o-o-obes
My bloodline is rich
Your peasant life is crummy

(My every butler brings:)
Roast beef, roast goose, drippings and roast mushrooms
Champagne, boars, trout, pheasants with my gilt spoon
Millionaire
I dive in caviar for a swim
(We’ve got the governance!)
Bristol, Cambridge, highness on your 5 pence
Sirs, Dames, Knights, Lords, titles of a fresh prince
We all sneer
You weren’t brought up in a house of peers

 

We’re the sovereign royals (Royals!)
Pippa’s got a great butt
Our coat of arms really kick arse
With lions, unicorns and such
From the line of Tudors (Nudists!)
Flashing bods obscenely
We’ll show our Crown Jewels
(Crown Jewels, Crown Jewels, Crown Jewels!)
We love royal scandal, see

 

Stone of Scone
Oakwood throne
Rose!
We wipe with mink in our latrine
My pram is more a limousine
Noble folks
Opal clothes
Bows!
Kate Moss will be my new au pair
When you’re brought up on this high a chair

 

We’re forever your royals (Royals!)
Pardon me, like Thomas Blood
But it’s deluxe being your boss
My coronet with shiny cross
Life is so luxuriant (Lucre!)
In Westminster Abby
This baby will rule
(O’er you and you and you!)
In the royal monarchy