Nib Oswald Video Showreel 2015

Mac Law Rev 2015 Rap Roasts

 *All roasts were written at the approval of those who should have known better

DAPHNE

Daphne’s short and a wog, I don’t know which to ridicule more

It’s been 2,000 years since Greeks cared for Political Law

Got a Cypriot nose, Cretean chin and Maltese eyes

Zucchini breath, olive oil skin, and feta cheese thighs

They say her carpet matches the drapes, they both look Persian

Get her drunk and she’ll re-enact her first fuck as a virgin

Daphne is so damn short, she longs to have a man touch her

Gosh, was Sasha Grey squashed in an industrial can crusher?

Your physique is godly, from Bacchanalian enjoyment

Behind the LUNA PARK sign, it’s KRAP ANUL employment

You should switch your job to a café as a waitress who waits

With that face, I doubt you’ll ever hear the breaking of plates

She gets no dates, and for prune lovers that’s just a mockery

Her poor Mama will spend the next decade dusting crockery

Can't keep a man, Daphne must be broken-hearted

Her Papa kicks them down her cooch, yelling “This is Sparta!”

You used to shoplift shit because you were too pov to buy it

Why even try, all those condoms now have long since expired

In school, you drew hearts on each and every Geo essay

Handing them to your teachers Mr Pim and Mr Estay

My god, the lengths this loser will go to just to get nailed

She flew to Perth to lose her virginity… and still failed

She joined “My Big Fat Greek Wrestling” on Grindr

The closest thing she’ll get to a wedding, men ran a train behind her

Can you please shut the boring mouth that you speak with?

Nobody wants to hear your crappy Daphne the Greek myth

Your phobia of rotten mould has gotten old

Have you forgotten? Your Yaya is a terracotta mold

This bitch needs tweezers for that Nick Giannopolous brow

You wake up looking like Effie from Acropolis Now

Daphne trims a goat beard in her pubes for a prettier puss

A pity it won’t stop the smell from your Shitty Anooss

ED

This bonehead exudes an air of totally dumb slowness

Not even Google could name me a notable trombonist

Ed is awful at strings, has no rhythm as a percussionist

But has years and years of practice pumping his fist with puckered lips

He’s cool and suave? Ha ha ha. Nuh-uh, bruh

The theme tune for his penis is a “Wahhh-wahhh-waaahhhhh”

Look at his face, damn. Must be swollen from all the mace, man 

He’s one fake tan away from that orange fucker in Space Jam

How many cuffs to the head dislodged your brow forward?

We knew you’d perve on cast, so wrote lines to allow for it

He plays that brass soul like a pompous arsehole

Oswald is gonna shoot this loser from a grass knoll

Check out his girlfriend, the poor thing has been stuck with a dud

His eyebrow piercing’s the only time she’s fucked by a stud 

She must be the most experienced scream faker

She wakes up naked, sees you, and wishes she chose Team Jacob

Photos of you with your bae are a girl’s worst fears

You’re like Jesse James and Sandra Bullock: The Early Years

At a luncheon when on a date, you’re munching food off her plate

Even Pacquiao agrees this cunt is straight punching above his weight

They hide this gargoyle up the back of the bandstand

You should ask Maddy to donate her jawline for a transplant

Your hustle is skimpy, muscles are wimpy, plus you look gimpy

Feel the Os burrrrn, Edward, I’ma rustle your jimmies

EMILY

I can’t believe I got a roast request from Emily Ward

This chick’s more rough around the edges than an emery board

Giving up shots would be your only shot to get into heaven

You’re like Amy Winehouse… except she lived to see 27

Every weekend promoting lingerie at Hellfire Club?

Not since Jared have we seen such perverted sex with a Sub

You were engaged at 15? I don’t mean to be indignant

But you’re not meant to shout “Prude!” when watching 16 And Pregnant

Protip: when you go out to hit the dance floor at The Ivy

Don’t literally hit the dance floor so hard that you need an IV 

This maniac’s insane, smacked her brain and left her back in pain

When she broke her spine falling from so high on crack cocaine

She’s always swirling higher than a kite when twirling fire

At night she masturbates with heat gel and a curling iron

You hit puberty and had all your body hair lasered off of you?

You’re hospitalised so often, they named Emily Ward after you

Eating you out is like kissing a leper’s pet cobra

She’s discovered the best hangover cure… never get sober 

Wearing knee-high boots in her kitchen whipping the cream

Got bored and left 50 Shades of Grey ripped at the seam

Is it crystal meth clear that this lewd bitch is a crude wretch?

Even Saed begged you to wear more clothes in the nude sketch

Your sexual partners need a hazmat suit for quim squirtin’

Your biopic will be directed by Courtney Love and Tim Burton

You’ve wrecked your nostril so bad it can now go down on a bloke

I can’t tell if your spine, your wallet or your dreams are more broke

Your bestie’s got lung cancer from all your secondhand smoke

Shit, Maddie’s veins are itching from all of the secondhand coke

Did your folks treat infant colic with alcoholic gin?

You look like somone robbed a bargain bin to cosplay Harley Quinn

I can’t believe you make a living as a children’s clown

You’d cause less trauma locking all the doors to burn the building down

How does the saying go? ‘Absinthe makes your heart grow sombre’

Coroner creeps wanting something kinkier ask for your number

A labyrinth of sores, your genitals have minotaurs

The inner walls are all torn raw, by 24 you’ll have hit menopause

Your sexual preference is “peg dykes and choke gay guys with piss”

You make sniffer dogs go “I’ll need a fucking pay rise for this...”

What have you become? It’s like in future we exhumed your mum

Healthy Harold’s heart breaks every time you spew more shrooms and cum

GEN

Gen’s slight, thin white with a 5”10’ height 

Enright dresses up for Halloween as a pen, right?

Why do you study Law to try and be a nerd of knowledge

When you’re a student from out bogan west at Cerdon College?

Your pregnant mother had a safety net for her cooter, yo

Because you were constantly slipping out of utero

Gen’s in the Thinness Book Of Records as starvation champ

Did you escape from an Olsen Twin concentration camp?

She needs photoshop to look like a big-boned stocky chick

You played Joe Hockey? You’re more like a hoe / hockey stick

You gave me onions every night to be chewed

Talk about typecast… you always get others to eat your food

Gen has a giraffe dad and a stick insect for a mother

You and Satya were a perfect 10… standing next to each other

One finger held your nipples in the nude skit, without any slipping

When dudes put the tip in you, it’s called skinny dipping

It’s like a can of silly string when she poops

She joined Emily’s troupe, using Fruit Loops as hula hoops

Genevieve will soon receive a shirt from Communitychannel

Just don’t spin with joy or you’ll weave yourself into the flannel

Most folks get upset when they get shirty

Gen just collects tee shirts no matter how tattered or dirty

She'd slip through a noose hung up from the gallows clean

But still gets hung up from a tree branch every Halloween

IMOGEN

Finally, I can give it to Imogen without the lay-by

I’ve known her since she was yay high - she’s still yay high

Check that stumpy physique, her milkman must be a pygmy

You’re like Penrith… always at the side, wishing you were Sydney

Her crazy brilliance keeps fermenting into lazy stillness

She’s got the eyebrows of a Greek off-fleek Maisie Williams 

It looks like two caterpillars fucking whenever you frown

Sandy Hook was the second-worst school tragedy in Newtown

I’d bet you went down a slide as a child and the ride blocked

Took so many cocks to the head it’s now always side-cocked

It doesn’t count as studying a Bachelor of Psych

Having bachelors jump out of your window yelling “Psych!” 

Stop blaming your double chin on glandular fever

Guys wear abrasion-resistant gloves to handle her beaver

How loosely she’ll strut, talk smut and try seduce with her butt

I was 0% surprised you’re playing Lucy The Slut

She needs to calorie count all the semen in her stomach

Sneaks boys in her room because they won’t be seen with her in public

Phalluses stab her like several daggers into one scabbard

Even Wikipedia says “There were four members in Abba” 

At Forever 21, she berates and bemoans

How the name accurately refers to her weight measured in stones 

People describe your style as “Lamb Dressed Up As Mutton Chop”

You are what you eat… guess that explains your muffin top

So basic, you’d use vertical video shooting your porn

Plays trumpet because Imogen loves to toot her own horn 

Middle Child Syndrome worse than D.W. from Arthur

It’s awkward whenever you start off a prayer with “Our Father...”

For Happy New Year, Sydney chewed my ass, drunk on scotch

Honey Honey, later your face was buried into my crotch

Mama Mia, all this action with the Abbas, what is this?

I’ll inevitably have a threesome with the twins for Christmas

JACKIE

Jackie wanted a roast too, to feel part of the circle

Maybe work on your awful accent attempt at Angela Merkel

Aged 12, in a bathroom you first started pashing with men

Your relationship standards have only gone downward since then

You love Saint Petersburg like Princess Anastasia

But aint your mum from Asia? Stick to Memoirs of a Geisha

She only learns Law, because daddy says it earns more

To pay for surgery... your cheeks are like a hamster burns ward

This bitch is always so late, we wait an eternity

Putin saw her nose and fled town to avoid paternity

Plus you’re a coeliac; can’t even eat a freaking crouton

So spent your childhood eating glue instead of eating gluten

That’s why today she’s such an ignoramus, half brainless

Wait, how are you gluten intolerant when you’re half Danish?

Everyone’s concerned at the questionable dates you’re attracting

Your stupid Julie Bishop lines are the epitome of method acting

You and Alvin the Chipmunk would make an attractive pair

Though the Russian lover in you prefers a man like a massive bear

In bed she lays there flaccid, bare, with a spastic stare

This basic bitch is a walking advert for Activewear

You look like Renée Zellweger sucking a lemon

Sex tourism doesn’t usually involve fucking the Kremlin

You were named after Jackie O’Nassis… not ‘cause you’re that sweet

You always blow the head off the guy next to you in the backseat

JESSICA

Jessica wasn’t sure if she wanted a roast or not

Typical ________ number of ______________ is a lot 

You ____________________ voice of Todd Flanders

Then ______________________ as George Brandis

________ figurines _________ manga collection

Her natural habitat ___________ fantasy section

_____ facepaint _____________________ clearance?

_____________________ back home with your parents

Her kitchen sucks ____________________ soup aroma

____________ legal postal address _______ Supanova

All those _____________________ broken the walls

____________ marital aid _____________ Pokémon balls

She __________ wig glue ____________ curly extensions

Wearing ___________________________ furry conventions

_______ corset whalebone ___________ structural threading

_____________________________ Sheridan luxury bedding

As a child _________________ white gryphons

________ boyfriend ___________ height difference

______ costume _______ crossbow__________ wearable scabbard

____ Sister Mary Patrick__________________ terrible habit

What a fucking __________ lactation stains _______ gag reflex

This whorish _______ Chewbacca suit ______ shaggy sex

___ cuntface _____ lynches war vets ____ cordless ____ execution style

______ kitten limbs _____ and does it all with a smile!

MADDIE

Kleenex has made a fortune selling Maddie tissues

She’ll badly misuse aged care volunteer services for her daddy issues

Named her car Harvey, like it were alive with a dick

I don’t wanna know how you ever learnt to drive with a stick

Your mother was still teenaged when she was expectant?

You yell out “Ma’s on the teevees!” watching 16 And Pregnant

She studied Law whilst raising four kids with no father?

You’re just like your mum… lawyers get nowhere without a firm partner

No cough you’ve ever had could be described as ‘chesty’

You’re such a lazy fuck, your boyfriend of 5 years shagged your bestie

Your nickname is from your teddy bear, Jessica Robin?

Or from robbin’ stores for ecstasy popped in your dresser, sobbin’?

You still sleep with a stuffed toy, to salvage enough joy

To bear how each fuckboi shoots and leaves like some bok choi

Your pussy is infected with cobwebs of neglect now

You’re the only checkout chick that no guy ever checked out

Your life’s in shambles, it’s a bit of a gamble you can’t even handle

Your sister shaved her head for cancer and sells vegan candles?

She’s making television, making a living… she’s eleven

You’re in the shadow of a sibling who’s just four foot seven!

You chaperone Emily with ironic sobriety

All your dad’s chronic smoke has left you with chronic anxiety

Threw up violently, dressed as Hermione from Harry Potter

The local glory hole greets you weekly with “Welcome back, Cotter”

You may as well get neutered like your two cavoodles

Caricatures are the only time sketchy dudes should give you doodles

So cantankerous, we can tell to date her is horrid

NASA launched a rover to photograph that craterous forehead

Photoshopping each selfie won’t improve a thing, don’t endeavour to

You’re not bad at telling when guys are flirting… they just never do

You look like Madeline Zima got MPB from facelifts

Stumbling home drunk, you’d get friendzoned by a rapist

MADDY

Oh, you want another mock rap? Girl, shut your cock trap

…and with a chin like that, you’d need a jockstrap

This bird is from the UK

She's the type to play croquet and pronounce 'bucket' as 'bouquet'

You talk like Keira Knightley with a speech impediment

And look like the botched result of a bleach experiment

So much eyeliner you’d think Hermione copped two shiners

Your eyes are blacker than your family of coal miners

You must have Annie and Oliver as an ancestor

Why do you date a stick like Sam if you love ManChest huh?

You two anthropomorphise Kermit and Miss Piggy

Do you have the proper permit to be this ditzy?

All that peroxide must have seeped into your dopey skull

Who glued Alfred Hitchcock’s nose on the face of Sophie Dahl?

So sad the Spice Girls kicked Pumpkin Spice out the spice team

Hey look, it’s Reese With 'er spoon and a tub of icecream

When she isn’t in the kitchen like a mothering cook

She challenges herself mentally with a colouring book

Beware her demon side, Madeleine will give you evil eye

If you so much as hint that her chin compares to Stephen Fry

Diplomatically answers haters with a regal response

You’re like the walking embodiment of Legally Blonde

We loved that couple costume where you wore nothing but leaves

How funny, you went with Sam dressed up as Adam and Steve

MANNY

Manny piles every hummus tub into his cart at the deli

You’ve got the smug shit-eating grin of Martin Shkreli

An epidural must’ve given Adam Brody’s twin neural harm

The deformed foetus got dumped off at a Dural farm

He'll torrent porn because ladies find this fella abhorrent

It doesn’t help he has the face and arms of Mélanie Laurent

An annual tally of pussy you get amounts to a granule

Your sex drive is handled like driving a car… Emmanuel

American Psycho can’t do a manic grin like Manny can

We panic when he laughs, it’s like a Goosebumps DJs mannequin

A short fuse in the embers when you’re losing your temper

If they run out of tzatziki, you’ll start abusing your vendor

He’s such a shitty cook he’ll butcher a dinner disaster

There’s only so much feta you can add to vinegar pasta

Yells “Hold me back!” but nobody will when he faces blokes 

What should be held back are all of your dad’s racist jokes

Your heritage is from Greece, the mother country Hellene 

Your diet also was Grease, you found it Hell to be Lean

Manny was such a chubby baby, with a body so swollen

He was immune to SIDS because the fat fuck couldn’t stop rollin’ 

But now he’s all slimmed out and has begun to segue

Into a muscly frame, although he’s always skipping Leg Day

So single, Tinder chicks fear he’ll give their fingers malaria

Google ads won’t even bother… “New Pringles In Your Area”

Remember that one time you blazed up a doobie, yeah

To find that it was laced with all of your friends’ pubic hair

No wonder in bed you can’t ever score any

When you get to a girl’s bush, you’ll suddenly yell out “420!”

That micropenis makes you a perpetual bachelor, dude

Surgery failed, you stuck your dick *inside* the catheter tube

Now your fellow law buddy is someone you’ll be sharks with

How many firm heads did Sam have to blow to get you that clerkship?

MATT

Who is this arrogant twat? Was his selection an error?

Matt’s brother must have come along as his professional carer

You couldn’t find a dumber drummer than Blundell

Music and gym are like his women: cow belle or dumb belle

Law Rev is offbeat jokes, not for you to play offbeat 

The only future you have with drumsticks is at KFC

Your drooling is our spirit level, you’re such a mouth breather

I don’t mean to be short… but then again, you didn’t either

The stork dropped you to your mother’s arms and obviously missed her 

Wannabe Barrister, but works two jobs as a Barista?

He also works with men’s suits and at wedding receptions?

It doesn’t take a Psych degree to peg his sexual preference 

You haircut is short now, but once it starts to get hairy

Your style is inspired by There’s Something About Mary

Matt told me he’s a homophobe but loves Coke and Chocolate

Clearly that was a mistake, you love to choke on cock a lot

He oozes character like pigshit in a slop squalor

Pays top dollar for his shirts with the popped collar

Prowls the nightclubs each week looking for a thirsty whore

He's like a Hobbit that was born and raised in Jersey Shore

What a vile asshole, Matt is not a spunk to admire

Looks like Shia Laboeuf was laundered and got shrunk in the dryer

He can't reach a high five any time he jumps for joy

This Christmas he'll be dressed up as The Little Drummer Boy

MIDY

Great, another fucking brown guy doing Law at Macquarie

He thinks he’s such hot shit - why, because you always eat curry?

You can’t be a barrister, man, your name would embarrass ya

Midylan Balachandran Q.C. sounds like a Star Wars character

How’d you get past our refugee embargo, bruh?

Midy came here as cargo and now works at Cargo Bar

He’s trying to shred, hits the gym to make those gains

But has an empty head, he’s got protein shake for brains

This douche thinks of himself as a pussy destroyer like Shiva

Got a thing for white chicks, what’s that called, Marshmallow Fever?

He’d rather get with Princess Peach than Princess Jasmine

Just looking at Top Deck chocolate brings him to orgasm

He loves them blonde women like Cindy Sherman

This Hindi jerk would put a bindi onto Bindi Irwin

He’d Save the Last Dance for a white bride to come

He’d burn his face with acid for a shot with Heidi Klum

That vanilla flavour, how he wants to cut a slice

Instead of Old Spice he sprays himself with Pumpkin Spice

Acts black, raps with snapback caps from his thug roots

Sets up traps on his lawn full of Starbucks and Ugg boots

Midy lagged behind every dance of the Law Rev show

Too busy checking out the chicks’ butts in the front row

Constant braggadocio swagger, it makes girls weary

He’s got all the allure of Raj from Big Bang Theory

This Sri Lankan wanker did musicals? No surprise

I’ve seen the photos of you in da club, pashing guys

Always stuffing turban fabric down your undies

Shot dead as a barrister would be a death as thug as Gandhi’s

He’s a goonacologist, a pro at the box wine

They’ll yell “Just do it, prick!” on the suicide hotline

Midy would reincarnate as an imitation pearl

The only chance he’ll ever get to be on a Caucasian girl

SAED

Saed’s as much a charm talker as the mould in his cumsock

He always cuts a red wire on his morning alarm clock

This guy looked like a Thunderbird when dancing on stage

Hey, who freed Borat’s retarded brother out of his cage?

Your poor father facepalmed once he saw what he had sired

The doctor held you up to name you and your mother just Sighed

God robbed you of smarts, and looks? He took those too

You studied Orthodox but still look like a hooked-nose Jew

You’re thin as a pole, did no-one stock halal at the snack bar?

Say grace before you swallow, holler “Allahu Ackbar!”

Saed’ll do the Harlem Sheikh and call “Salaam alaikum!” 

He keeps trying to radicalise, but Islam won’t take him

Just entering this country was a bit of a gamble

You’ve had so many cavity searches, they split the enamel

Got sand in your flannel pantaloons and grit in your sandal

Got circumcised so you don’t have to wipe the shit from a camel

You’re so pesty, Saed… go and drink some pesticide

Turn your back, Saed… we’d rather look at your backside

You eat hummus, Saed… and commit public homicide

You smell like a sewer, Saed… contemplate suicide

You could eat Vegemite pie and still be unAustralian

You goddamn Jordanian/Albanian/AfghanIranian

This loser first entered here through Border Force

Then used it as his pickup technique… Bored her, force

His bedroom is so empty it can’t even get ghost haunted

The FBI homepage is the only time this guy will feel Most Wanted

Women can’t bear to touch his face with even one finger

They’ll bin their phone rather than swipe left on his photo for Tinder

How’d you manage to score that hot vegetarian chick?

You turned her straight to meat, she fled for some Aryan dick

You look like a Yugo salesman with the tracksuits you wear 

Bin Laden’s inheritance had so many grandkids to share

What more can I say about this guy’s tanned figure?

I’d make a celeb joke, but can’t name a single famous sandnigger

With that facial hair you’d be more at home in Cuba 

Your sex life took a sudden plummet with the rise of Uber

Chicks sprint away halfway through you buying them a mint frappé

Dude, stop hitting on women at the Lindt Café

As President of the Comedy Soc, your funny’s dried up

You got fried, there’s egg all over your face… Sunni Saed up

 

SAM

Sam is so white that this camera flash made his skin start peeling
I can't tell his pale face from the bright lights in the ceiling
Hitting up the library cuz he Straight Outta Austen
He must be Sam Thor... cuz it looks like Sam Thor's ten
I should report Maddy because you're underage
Either that, or she has a secret fetish for Ellen Page
Deficient in iron, vitamins, calcium and potassium
Sam's the understudy stunt double for Tommen Baratheon
His wrists are covered in scars that spell out the word EMO
I never knew that chick from The Fault In Our Stars survived chemo
I'd like to roast him more but his life is such misery
He's constantly spitroasted already like a pig at a rotisserie

The ultrasound technician said “You should abort this plan;

Check his organs, ma’am, Sam Thorsten anagrams as Shortest Man.”

You’ve barely descended one teste, please

What kind of parents name their kid with initials that spell out STDS?

I guess it runs in the family, you’re all prob’ly thick

I mean, your uncle is a Spoonerism for Nobbie Dick

You cop more abuse than Dobby with that purrty mouth, boy

Like Draco Malfoy stuck a fleshlight into an Alf toy

Sam looks like a Muppet fashioned from a cumsock puppet

When his father pumps a fist straight up it like a piston poppet

Stuck in the Venn Diagram of backne, anaemia

Hypoglycaemia, leukaemia and teen girl bulimia

You twig, you should be fully bulkin’ instead of sorely sulkin’

Your only protein’s from mouth open like Macaulay Culkin

What is your ancestry, Albino Irish?

You’re 2 topknots and 4 black cocks inside ya away from Miley Cyrus

I bring the gangsta beef, you rap like a lady’s queef

Maddy’s sick of getting her pubes snagged up in your baby teeth

Your bae is nagging that your shagging always leaves her gagging

You picked a Pom because you thought she’d really like teabagging

I can’t imagine how it makes your bird feel

When she hangs with you and Manny and always ends up third wheel

I hear you’re trypophobic; afraid of tiny holes

That’s why you’ll only fuck the gaping cuntflaps of a slimy moll

Sam loves eggs, bacon and grits more than South Carolina

His juicy lips are blood red cuz his mouth is a vagina

He wants a job in business as some income taxman creditor 

For now, he’s just employed as jailbait on To Catch A Predator 

His knees are knobby, his nose is snobby, his name is Dobbie

When she’s out of toothpicks, Maddy will just give Sam a gobby

Psycho, I’m liable to go Michael, take your pick:

Cera… Cera… Cera… fuck this prick

SATYA

Now I’m sari… like your wardrobe of culturally racial clothes

But you must have a separate birth certificate for your facial growth

Satya looks like Lebron James mated with Ice Cube

Check his cousins; he’s the only family member with nice boobs

Satyajeet is the kind of name for a taxi driver

A tech support operator, or a Black Sea Tiger

His biceps are huge, you’ll always find his arms full of cake

And the rest of the time he spends alone, charming the snake

The techniques that he uses to try and get chicks is silly

Not even Indian girls will fall for “Netflix and chilli”

He’s less than single, like a snick that clips the wicket

Satya’s never bowled a maiden over… in life, or cricket

Such a lack of girls, you’d think that he bats for the changed side

His folks began a Kickstarter to raise dowry for an arranged bride

This dumb guy repels chicks like a Slumdog cum pie

Birthing this fugly motherfucker even turned his Mum-bai

Satya is civil, he's hardly your typical darkie          

Well-dressed, eloquent, member of the Liberal Party

Has a wardrobe full of Versace and Nazi cufflinks

A Gadaffi hat and can’t ever seem to wear enough Lynx

Enunciates the Queen’s English like a damn Tudor

But when he’s nude, appears to look more like the man Buddha

Pity the magic carpet ride he offers a co-ed he likes

She’ll end up wishing she instead slept on a bed of spikes

SYDNEY

This chick’s a battleaxe, I bet she packs a purse hatchet

Hillary Clinton had a clone child with Nurse Ratched

A hidden adder is less sinister than Sydney Abba

She’ll strap a dagger to her dildo as a kidney stabber

Her eyes, they glint as child friendly as a fire chimney

Why, our Sydney has the same hairstylist as Myra Hindley

She’d take on Boudicca, riding to challenge her barebutt

And still maintain her Let Me Speak To The Manager haircut

I hear she’s wild and savage in the sack like Jungle Book

If your name is Sydney, why do you rock the London Look?

That gap between your front teeth sure must stress your gum ridge

This sadistic bitch is twisted as Professor Umbridge

She takes no bullshit, like a cactus without fertiliser

Vagina drier than an iron miner tryin’ to squirt a geyser

She’d find a hornet nest in her panties erotic

Look, Target Lady forgot to take her antipsychotic

At school she wore braces and used exfoliating cream

Emanating steam with a grating scream in the debating team

She’d be a soccer mom if only she had decent ovaries

The only time she sees fresh eggs is in her weekly groceries

The malice blaring from her braless, scary, callous stare

Makes any fella with a phallus swear off chicks, like Alistair

Underwear she’ll takeoff quicker than Tigerair from tarmac

Only the Lighthouse Theatre has held more members from Dramac

When it comes to direction, Sydney is astutely quite bossy

She’s one Heil Hitler away from Abba-salute-ly a Nazi

Make just one Jew joke and she’ll go psycho completely

We’ll be actual grandparents by the time we play Mikael and Deidre

Those biceps make it look like every suit has shoulder pads

Her style is 80s, to appeal to her friends’ older dads

Not having to hear dad jokes? Most would find that marvellous

Was Maddie’s middle name after you ‘cuz you’re both fatherless?

When Simba fled Mufasa, Sydney’s heart just cracked in two

Better hit fast forward in How To Train Your Dragon 2

About to mention you’re a Cancer sign? Don’t dare to try

She’ll chant “I’m Sydney Abba. You killed my father, prepare to die.”

It’s like water under the Bridge of an empty Harbour

Her favourite character in Toy Story was Andy’s father

Daddy’s gone and we’ll never get to see him back

About the closest thing she’ll ever get to being black

Remembered In Shame

Disgraced sporting heroes. Hollywood scandals. Trainwreck socialites.

In honour of all those  celebs who put the 'in' in 'infamous', here is a parody of Fort Minor's hit 'Remember The Name'.

Celebrity? Heck no

There are loads of you

Whose public rep had a falling out

 You should quit, yo

It’s like dancing Left Shark, BP with their spill

Lack of consent in Bill Cosby’s Netflix and chill

SNL Ke$ha, Whitney with cocaine

Every blundered event reason you surrendered your fame

Mike! From champion of a heavyweight fight
To the bite of an ear, spending weekends beating his wife

Everybody liked Cady Heron Lindsay Lohan

But snorting up crack got her locked in the clink when she’d grown

A drunkard… when on the road, pedestrians in jeopardy

The pressures of celebrity left Rip Torn destroyed

Those paparazzi naked Bieber pics went up

Tweets of Anthony Weiner’s foul white dick was enough (That’s gross)

Caught with heroin, ecstasy, to Michael Phelps’ large bong

Pedalling drugs and steroids helped Lance to keep his Armstrong

Went from that soccer movie to criminal psychopath

Amanda Bynes ended up in a straightjacket with spinal taps

Kim Kardashian’s wealth, came from videoed sex

Paris Hilton filmed one herself, Suri Cruise will be next

Caitlin Upton became a joke when telling her botched speech

From cancerous shaved fraud to pederast archpriest

Each defendant contends guilt - gerbil up one’s rear?

Richard Gere to Britney Spears, who spiralled downhill

Poor Martha Stewart was another of arrested dames

And a murder rap on OJ Simpson’s record maimed his acclaim

Date wack Phil Spector, get put in a hearse

Date Mel Gibson, cop a load of colourful slurs

Plus Busey abuse, Ike Turner then Rihanna got messed up

When sworn to the truth, Oscar Pistorius confessed? Nup!

This is 10% schmuck, 20% guilt
15% crying over milk that’s been spilt

5% pressure, 50% blame

And 100% reason you’re remembered in shame

At Ashlee Simpson’s live gig, her lip-synching died on the mic
Yeah the jig was up on the spot, so she jigged on outta the light

And that nutter Shia Labeouf has quite clearly flipped off his block

The type women look at and cringe, he’s rabid - give him a shot

Grave fears vaccinating? Patients may misdiagnose
Ask that wreck Jenny McCarthy when she’s hosting her shows

Whether you’re caught for a crime, or swear when tweeting a quote

Celebrities must jump the ship or go down with their sunk boat

Plaque… with handprints on the Hollywood Walk?

In the limelight, under the spot, wait for your status to drop

Is awfulness a product of your fame? Lacking in acumen

Jay Z’s image besmirched when Solange Knowles was smackin’ him

Kony was a goof, it got mocked and got spoofed

And Michael Richards’ n*****s got a prompt bombardment of boos

 (Booo!) Timberlake flashing Janet Jackson’s wonderful breast

Was berated like every music act who’s culturally dressed

The Third Reich should not be Harry’s costume attire

And Tiger Woods will cheat with wood, on-the-back nine

Polanski , Rolf Harris, R. Kelly’s paedophile crimes
Subway had to erase Jared from all their footlong signs

A flood of punchlines hit twitter for celebs in a bind

The audience will watch and see your peak and decline

You’ll get martyred, mocked and then scorned by the whole of mankind?

You’re sick of it, consider retiring and be reclusive

Tara Reid’s nip and tuck, Mary-Kate with pills
Fifty Cent can't pay a single dollar of bills

Oprah’s wide measure, Miley on that chain

Started off as a bright spark but you extinguished your flame

This is 10% schmuck, 20% guilt
15% crying over milk that’s been spilt

5% pressure, 50% blame

And 100% reason you’re remembered in shame

Yeah, you’re fired
Life is over, try a new job

Bye, your career
Can Sheen flop?

16 Rainbow-Filtered Facebook Photos You Won't See Today

The US Supreme Court today ruled 5:4 in favour of legalising same-sex marriage across the nation.

In response, many citizens have blown up Facebook with celebratory profile pictures filtered with a spectrum-striped rainbow flag. Several variations of Tony Abbott images have been employed to comment on Australia's lagging behind the rest of the world in the area of marriage equality.

Here are a bunch of images you probably won't be seeing people throw up today, in homage to the hallowed institution and historic tapestry of marriage which homosexual couples are now becoming a part of:

1.

One Kenyan lawyer has offered 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats 

for 16-year-old Malia Obama's hand in marriage. Another man has offered 500 cows. 

Who can put a price on chivalry these days? 

2.

Tsk, the signs were all there if we'd only just adjusted our monitors.

3.

"The fundamental bedrock principle that [marriage] exists
between a man and a woman... and that its primary principle role during
those millenia has been the raising and socialising of children..."

-Hillary Clinton

4.

It's like arranged, on your wedding day
It's like a free bride, when you've already paid

5. 

 #LoveWins

6. 

It's important to maintain the sacrosanct traditional roots of marriage.

7.

Rainbows are the symbol of mature consenting adult love. 

8.

 Marriage: bringing Avril Lavigne and Nickelback together
via a legally-documented bond of lifetime unity.

9.  

9 being the age of the betrothed child bride Aisha
when she was first fucked by the Prophet Muhammad. 

10.

 Nothing screams holy sanctity of marriage like
Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage to Kris Humphries;

prior to marrying Kanye West. #KKK.

11.

Did you know the USA has a 53% ratio of divorce to marriage each year? 

12.

Polygamy is an aberration unto the Lord.
Polygyny, however, is totally kosher.

13.

 Skittles called it years ago.

 14.

Marriage: become a statistic! 

15.

Marriage: a gateway drug to MORE MARRIAGE! :D

16.

Cheers to marriage equality!
Red-orange-yellow-green-blue-violet weddings for all!

8 Hot Tips On How To Woo Taylor Swift

8 HOT TIPS ON HOW TO WOO TAYLOR SWIFT

Taylor Swift, with her golden honey locks, adorable anime chipmunk chin and carefree demeanour (yet rocking a fierce eyeliner gaze that can punctuate coquettish flair from 100 yards) is a world-renowned pop star who seems forever cursed with a perpetual string of relationship failures.

 

Despite dating several hotshot celebrity names, our beloved starlet never seems to settle for longer than a few months before spreading her wings to seek greener pastures and catchier melodies about aforementioned breakup subject matter.

However, by analysing the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s numerous romance songs, Average Joes just like YOU will be able to garner some insight into the mind of the most eligible bachelorette on the planet and use this information to court her more effectively into a stable long-term relationship.

Behold: 8 juicy strategies on how to win over Taylor Swift, based on subliminal hints she has scattered throughout her albumography.

#1. SHOW HER THAT YOU HAVE EYES

Taylor Swift is rather fond of the proverbial windows to the soul, with frequent mentions of eyes found throughout her song lyrics. Although blue and brown eye colours have caught her fancy, it is evident that green eyes are her clear favourite, so ensure you flash her those emerald gems whenever possible, Potter.

By synchronising your blinking patterns with hers, you will also maximise the amount of time you spend together with uninterrupted eye contact.

Get me with those green eyes, baby

- Sparks Fly

Didn't you flash your green eyes at me?

- Wonderland

Green eyes and freckles and your smile

- Everything Has Changed

Cory's eyes are like a jungle [Jungles are green! –Ed.]
- Stay Beautiful

Something in his deep brown eyes
- Superman

Blue eyes

- State of Grace

Your beautiful eyes stare right into my eyes

- Beautiful Eyes

Keep your eyes open

- Eyes Open

Your eyes still shined like pretty lights

- Mary’s Song (Oh My My My)

Your eyes light up when you smile
-  Invisible

#2. ARGUE WITH HER AT 2AM

Our dear Taytay is a bit of a night owl and apparently loves talking well into the early hours. Indulge her nocturnal tastes with arguments, feuds and embittered conversations which will inevitably lead to a furious cathartic purging of emotions via angry sex, prior to apologetic makeup sex directly afterwards.

2.00AM, who do you love?

- Enchanted

It's 2.00AM in my room

- I Wish You Would

2.00AM, riding in your truck

- Mary’s Song (Oh My My My)

It’'s 2:00AM and I'm cursin' your name

- The Way I Loved You

I remember that fight, 2.30AM

- Mine

4.00AM, the second day

- Come Back… Be Here

#3. A ‘J’ NAME IS JINXED, BUT THERE IS NO ‘I’ IN ‘BREAKUP SONG’

 Taylor Swift has dated the following J-name lads:

- Joe Jonas

- Jake Gyllenhaal

- John Mayer

This trend suggests a subliminal annoyance with anyone afflicted with a ‘juh’-sounding name, considering none of those relationships has worked out.

(The whole Triple-J debacle recently was additional salt in the J-shaped wound.)

Furthermore, her other ex-boyfriends include

- Taylor Lautner

- Connor Kennedy

- Harry Styles

- Zac Efron
Out of 76 letters in these names, note that the vowel ‘i’ does not appear once. By process of elimination we can therefore deduce that the letter ‘i’ is Taylor Swift’s Achilles Heel, for you to come along and dot with a loveheart.

We already know of Taylor’s affinity for ‘eyes’, so she will surely go for a name peppered with ‘i’s. 
Did you see what ‘I’ did there?

Aye, captain.

#4. HAVE LONG, VOLUPTUOUS  HAIR

Sorry baldies, but TSwiz is totally enamoured by lush locks of keratin spilling out from one's scalp; praising the trait in several of her ballads. Hit up the Rogaine aisle quicksmart if you want to have any chance of winning over her heart by going to get your weave did.

You got that long hair, slicked back
- Style

I like the way your hair falls in your face
- Jump Then Fall

Run your hands through your hair
- Fearless

To the fella over there with the hella good hair
- Shake It Off

#5. LAUGH AT HER JOKES

Taylor is such a hoot, you guys! Oh boy, does she crack the funnies. 

Show her how much you appreciate her comedic genius by giggling, cacking it, guffawing and chortling at all the right moments. You know, moments like that time she, uh… … ahhh…  just… … … haaa, just *sooooo many* whimsical moments, y’know.

That girl, I tell ya. What a wit.

Your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard 
- Jump Then Fall

I'm the one who makes you laugh 
- You Belong With Me

You throw your head back laughing like a little kid 
- Begin Again

I hear your laugh 
- The Best Day

Our song is the way you laugh on the first date 
- Our Song

I could go back to every laugh 
- Come In With The Rain

#6. OR AT LEAST GRIN LIKE AN IDIOT ALL THE TIME

 Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town 
- You Belong With Me

You're tied together with a smile
 - Tied Together With A Smile

You smile that beautiful smile 
- Superstar

Calm my fears with a Cheshire Cat smile 
- Wonderland

I love the gap between your teeth
 - Ours

#7. HER FETISH FOR HEADLIGHTS AND BEING CHAUFFERED

It is a character trait of one TS that she believes in the more traditional gender norms of a relationship, and the stereotypical guy with a flashy car seems to toot her horn, crank her engine and… inject fuel lubricants… into her… carburettor? Look, I catch public transport, okay.

Ensure you wax up your hood, buffer your boot, polish your hubcaps and stock up that backseat with plenty of pine tree air refreshers for all of the vehicular action awaiting you when taking Tay out for a night to paint the town Red. (Red was the name of one of her albu- you know what, forget it.)

You come and pick me up, no headlights
- Style

Two headlights shine through the sleepless night
- Treacherous

Headlights pass the window pane
- I Wish You Would

He opens up my door and I get into his car
- The Way I Loved You

Drive out of the city, away from the crowds
- Wildest Dreams

Grab the keys and we drive and drive
- The Best Day

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car
- Our Song

You're in the car on the way to the movies
- Never Grow Up

So baby, drive slow
- Fearless

We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
- All Too Well

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street
- Red

Now it’s big black cars, and Riviera views
- The Lucky One

Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?
- Out Of The Woods

You never let me drive
- Picture To Burn

So I drive home alone
- Teardrops On My Guitar

#8. COMPLIMENT HER DRESSES AND LIPSTICK

Taylor takes particular pride in her refined vintage look, so make sure you notice when she rouges up her lips and dons the latest frock that will soon have her Instagram followers frothing at the credit card for purchase.

This commitment will inevitably result in many hours a week spent watching her try on different outfits, which means plenty of time watching her changing out of these outfits in between you humming “Yeah, that’s nice. Yeah, that looks good. Yeah, that works. Yeah, I liked the other one better…” before you can go out to the local café for a morning coffee.

I hope you think ‘that little black dress’
- Tim McGraw

And that little black dress
- The Other Side Of The Door

You’ll pick out a white dress
- Love Story

The girl in the dress, cried the whole way home
- Dear John

Spinning like a girl in a brand new dress
- Holy Ground

With you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
- Fearless

Standing there in my party dress
- The Moment I Knew

You'll remember me standing in a nice dress
- Wildest Dreams

You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore
- Clean

Red lips and rosy cheeks
- Wildest Dreams

I got that red lip classic thing that you like
- Style

In red lipstick with no one to impress
- The Moment I Knew

#9. BE LORDE

Let’s face it, Lorde has managed a longer-lasting monogamous relationship with Taylor Swift than any man has managed.

Ellas before fellas!

[Though we all know Beyoncé makes the greatest life partner of all time. OF ALL TIME.]